057 - Jesus Is Enough Through Every Circumstance (with Annie Fernandez)

LISTEN TODAY:

Click Here to Listen on Apple Podcasts
Click Here to Listen on Spotify

The Surrendered Birth Stories Podcast is available anywhere you listen to podcasts. You can also scroll to the bottom of this page for an embedded podcast player.

SHOW NOTES:

Can you trust God when you’re not getting pregnant? Can you trust God with loss? Can you trust God when your body is breaking? Can you trust God having babies very close together? The question in any and every circumstance is, can you trust God? Hear how Annie and her husband had to navigate all of these circumstances and more throughout the journey that they’ve been on as God has created their family, and if they were indeed able to trust God!

Want to connect with us? Have a question?
Shoot us a DM at @surrenderedbirthservices on Instagram, and give us a follow while you're there!

TRANSCRIPT:

Annie: The coolest thing for me about labor and like part of why it like gets me so excited is because there's just this intimacy with the father and like, just like the communion with the Lord. Like I have never seen Jesus face so clearly as I did when I was having my babies, like. Labor is just like this incredibly spiritual experience.

Like, and I think that like that is his intention. And that is his design. Like when we walk into a place of like surrender and be like, Jesus, I can't do this without you. Like, this is hard. I'm not going to be able to do this without you, but I'm going to surrender to your plan. And it just, it just becomes like communion with Jesus.

Kayla: I'm Kayla Heeter, follower of Jesus, wife and mother of five children, Christian childbirth educator and doula, and your host of the Surrendered Birth Stories podcast, where we share God centered birth stories, evidence [00:01:00] based birth education, and our pursuit of surrendering our birth plans to God. Let's get started.

Good evening or good morning Or good afternoon. It's evening for me. That's usually when I end up recording these Intros because I always like to do it, you know currently we record the episodes pretty far in advance But then the actual intros I try to record like right before they come out. So everything's up to date and current Um, speaking of, we just got back from the beach, which was wonderful and quite the adventure.

Um, if you weren't aware, North Carolina had a little tropical storm come through this past week on the coast and we happened to be at the beach. Now thankfully we were at the northern part of the Outer Banks. We were all the way up, um, in Corova Beach, um, north of Corolla, like right before you hit Virginia.

[00:02:00] Where the wild horses are and where it's just sand, um, so we didn't get like the insane monsoon feet and feet of water that the, um, southern beaches did in North Carolina, but, but we did get, uh, A good deal of rain. So that was, that was definitely interesting. The streets that weren't really streets, because it's just sand, um, ended up flooding and which didn't bother us while we were there because we were just, you know, like going to the beach and going to the pool and hanging out.

But when we were trying to leave, that is the interesting thing about being on the beach. all the way out and up there when there are no actual roads and it's all sand and the beach is the road. The road is the beach. And so we were trying to leave. Our checkout was at 10 and it was, um, high tide was at like 10 30, but it was, the water was even higher than usual.

And so we were trying to leave [00:03:00] and there was just, we couldn't get past this, um, one part on the beach. So we had to go. to the back roads because the tide was too high. So we go on the back roads and the back roads are flooded. And so it's like, Oh, what are we going to do? And I legit was like, Oh man, we're going to be here like all day, which, Hey, you know, great.

We'll be on the beach all day. That'd be awesome. But we like had things we needed to do when we got home and we had church the next morning. So it was just, you know, We need to get home. So instead we kind of, we took a while to make a decision about what we were going to do. But then we figured out, mind you, we're in two cars because you have to have a four wheel drive to do this.

And there is no four wheel drive car that we, you know, have that will carry all of us together. So we're split between two cars. So I'm just like nervous as all get out trying to follow my husband. Um, out of this pond that felt like we were in because you don't know how deep the water is. So [00:04:00] like him and Milo are jumping out and like rolling up, you know, their shorts and stuff and trying to see how deep this water is.

And do we try to go through it? Do we not? I mean, we only had one of our cars, um, that was ours and the other one was somebody else's. So it was just, it was, It's nerve wracking. And I told my husband, I said, if you could have promised me and told me that we're going to get out of here safely, that everything's going to be fine and nothing's going to happen to the cars and nothing's going to happen to us and it's all going to be fine, then I probably would have seen it more as an adventure because in order to get out of there, we definitely need to do some very adventurous things.

Man, I tell you, while I was in it in the moment, I was not, I was not in a good place. My blood pressure was really high. My heart was racing really fast. I was just nervous we were going to get stuck, you know, and all the kids are in the car and all of our stuff is in the car and I'm like, I'm nervous that water's just going to like start pouring [00:05:00] in or that like we're going to be trying to go and we're going to get stuck and someone's going to be coming up behind us and hit us.

Like, I don't know. It just, lots of things, but anyways, thankfully, um, we kind of got. We were like going around trying to go on the edges and not go through too deep of water and then we got to this place where we're just kind of stuck and there was no like the roads we were on were not on any map like they were just like it looked like some sort of um like four wheeler Like course or track or something that you would go like on a four wheeler and, and we were in cars, you know, like with our kids.

So it was just kind of crazy. And this truck finally, we came, he came up to us and I could see my husband talking to him and I was like, Oh, praise Jesus. Cause I was praying the entire time, like, Jesus, please get us out of here, please. And so this truck came and he showed us. This random path out that was definitely not on a map and definitely did not look like roads.

They were not roads. It was like we were driving around and [00:06:00] over these little random mounds between bushes and water. And it was crazy. Anyways, I'm sure my husband had a blast because it definitely looked like some sort of, you know, four wheeler course, but, um, it was, it was nerve wracking to me, but we made it out.

We made it out. We fared a lot better than a lot of other people did who were at the beach this past week. So. Um, we got out, but we stopped like 10 times on the way home because of, you know, five kids. It was a lot of stopping, but we eventually made it back home, um, last night and we came home. Sorry, I'm realizing this is like, A very long intro.

I'm just, like, updating you on life, but we came home to the most amazing surprise. So, you know, you normally get home from vacation kind of stressed out because the house is usually a wreck because we left in such a hurry and, you know, there's so much laundry to do and unpacking and everyone's tired and hungry and needs to go to [00:07:00] bed and we got to find all this stuff and it's just stressful, but this was, like, the exact opposite of that.

We have an incredible small group who we all meet on Monday nights, every Monday night, everyone comes over and we hang out, um, all night. It's great and it's just, you know, we're doing life together and, you know, sharing our struggles with each other and praying with each other and helping each other and laughing with each other and getting advice from each other.

It's just, you know, it's wonderful. Well, they did. some sneaky things while we were out of town. We came back and our entire house was deep cleaned, head to toe. Like, I'm talking, it's never been so clean. Like, the scrubbing that must have, that had to have taken place in order for this to happen. The amount of time that it must have taken.

I mean, head to toe, deep clean, but not just that. There was like new stuff everywhere. So for us, like in the season of life that we're [00:08:00] in right now, if something breaks, we just. Don't replace it. We just move on unless it's like an absolute like must have we just move on So the lamp breaks we just don't have a lamp anymore, you know And the trash can breaks we just keep using it even though it's not functioning like we just I don't know but they had Replaced all these things, like a new doormat at our front door and new lamps and, um, uh, a big new trash can and new rugs and new mats and just, I mean, it was, it was amazing.

Like we were just like in shock and all, uh, we have this giant whiteboard we use for homeschooling and well, and just for daily life and it's so dirty all the time and like so stained and it was like almost. Perfectly white. It was incredible. I'm like that would have taken a week alone just to get that like scrubbed down and then guys We my husband started a like a [00:09:00] low key like bathroom remodel a few months ago He was like peeling wallpaper and That kind of stuff off and then it just sort of stalled out because we got really busy, lots going on and it just looked like that.

There was no mirror on the wall. Like it was just, it was just like we start, you know, you know, one of those house projects that you start and you just don't finish. Well, they finished it. They came in. And remodeled our bathroom for us. They painted it, they scraped down the vanity, painted the vanity, got our all new hardware, new faucet, um, new vent cover, new like just little decor, mirror, like all these things.

It was incredible. They legitimately remodeled our bathroom for us while we were gone. I'm talking like these people, they don't make, you know, God does make better people than this. It's like the amount of blessing. That occurred like we were just so floored and our kids they're [00:10:00] running around. They're like, oh my gosh, that's amazing Have you seen this so cool?

Like it was so funny so we'd legit feel like we're on a home makeover show like that we just like came home and it was just done and It was like being on An episode of hometown or fixer upper or whatever like it's just it was so cool. So I'm sorry. I legit took nine and a half minutes to tell you guys all of that the facts of our beach adventures and then of our amazing welcome home and it wasn't just that the people these amazing people um they Not only did all that while we were gone, but then when we got home, they brought us dinner so we didn't have to cook or clean.

They helped us unpack our cars. They helped us unpack our stuff. They put, like, everything away. They started our laundry. They helped my husband clean out the car, like, vacuum all the sand out of the cars. Like, I mean, This, above and beyond, above and [00:11:00] beyond, above and beyond, incredible. Could not ask for better people.

Like, these people are amazing. So, shout out to my small group. Specifically, shout out to Tammy and David, because I know that was most, mostly you guys. You guys are literal angels on earth. And, uh, I, I'm just, we are blessed and praise Jesus for, thank you Lord for using your children to bless your children.

Okay. Maybe that was the longest intro I've ever done, almost. So let's, I was going to say a couple other things, but I think we'll just save it for next week, guys. Let's just save it for next week. Okay. And next week is awesome because my friend Jennifer is going to be sharing her story next week. And.

It's going to be great. So tune in next week for the rest of what I was going to share this week, plus Jennifer's amazing stories. But enough about next week and all my [00:12:00] adventures from this past week. Let's talk about today's episode. Can you trust God when you're not getting pregnant? Can you trust God with loss?

Can you trust God when your body is breaking? Can you trust God having babies very close together? The question in any and every circumstance is, can you trust God? Hear how Annie and her husband had to navigate all of these circumstances and more throughout the journey that they've been on as God has created their family.

Welcome to another episode of Surrendered Birth Stories. I am your host, Kayla Heeter. And I have Annie with me today. So Annie, I'm going to have you introduce yourself. Tell us about you, your family, your life, what it [00:13:00] looks like.

Annie: I am Annie Fernandez. Thank you so much for having me. I have two kiddos, um, our side with me.

I have miscarried. So I have one already in Jesus arms. Um, I have very close babies. My babies are only 13 and a half months apart, which is lots of fun. Um, so my oldest is not quite two yet. And my youngest is headed towards his first birthday. So right now, They are both on the move and very busy, so our day is just a lot of trying to entertain very intelligent children and keep them busy, which is, is just, is the sweetest blessing.

It is such a delight.

Kayla: Uh huh. Okay. So when is, um, you said one's about to turn one, so when's his birthday?

Annie: So my daughter will turn two in September and then my son, who's younger, will turn one in October.

Kayla: Wow. That's so cool. Cool. Cool. [00:14:00] Yeah. I have a son who's going to turn one in October as well. Okay.

October, boys. That's fun. It is. Well, I am so excited to hear these stories. Let's start then at the beginning. So let's start with your first pregnancy. Tell us the story of how that all came about.

Annie: Okay, so, um, the story of all of that actually starts a lot sooner, um, around the age of 16. I started to have super irregular periods, a lot of, um, just really heavy bleeding and, um, abnormal pain and all of that kind of stuff.

Um, going on and so through doctors visits and all of that, it's some cysts were found. They started talking about endometriosis very young. I started to have a lot of leg pain and all of these different symptoms. And so the, the primary narrative started to be. It's going to be very hard for you to get pregnant.

Like we're not [00:15:00] saying it's fully infertility, but this is going to be a challenge if this is something that you want. Um, and there was always a very like heavy push to like, we can figure this out. You just need to go on birth control. Like. And then just deal with it was kind of like where it ended up and I decided not to do birth control.

I didn't want to imbalance hormones that were already in balanced with a chemical versus what my body was. Trying to regulate on its own. And so that was just kind of my reality, um, for, through my late teens and into my early twenties. Um, and so when my husband and I got engaged and, and as we were dating and everything too.

I was open and honest with him about it. Like, this is something that I am dealing with. There's a good chance that we might not have kids. Are you okay with that? And so that was always a conversation we were having and also something [00:16:00] that we were just constantly praying about. And so we decided that it was in the Lord's hands.

And so, um, we were going to hold it very loosely. It was going to be something that we were just going to keep with open hands, um, and not necessarily pursue treatments for, um, we were just going to see what the Lord did with it. And so, When we got married, we decided that we weren't going to try any kind of birth control.

It was kind of a, we're not actively trying to get pregnant, but we're also not actively trying to prevent pregnancy, and we're just going to see what happens. And so The first year of marriage, we just didn't get pregnant, but we were trying not to keep like too much weight in it or hold any, like to add stress to it or anything like that.

So I was trying not to obsessively take pregnancy tests because I already had irregular periods. Um, [00:17:00] but. It was still hard not to like, okay, I'm late. I gotta go take a pregnancy test because I definitely always wanted a family. Like I definitely wanted children. But, um, every time we prayed about it, the Lord just continued to tell us to trust him.

And so, um, into our second year of marriage, that started to be something more of like, okay, let's like, try to be like more intentional about this. Let's see what we can do. And. Still just a lot of negative pregnancy tests, um, which got to be very frustrating, but The continued conversation with the Lord, like he just kept impressing on us that like, we weren't supposed to pursue any kind of treatments and we were just supposed to let it rest in his hands.

And so I come from a really big family. I have seven sisters and kiddos have been, uh, my heart's desire. Since I was really young. And so, um, my husband kept saying like, if it's just you and I, like, I'm good, we're going to be good. Like we can trust the Lord to [00:18:00] this. And I did trust that, but there was still that grief in my heart of like, I want to have a baby, you know?

And so into our third year of marriage around May timeframe. So we got married in January. So we're like halfway into our like third year of marriage. And around the May timeframe, one of my little sisters actually came to me and was like, had a dream. You were pregnant. And then I was talking to the Lord about it.

And he said, you're going to get pregnant this summer. You're going to get pregnant. You're going to have a baby. And that was very overwhelming to me at that point. I was like, I had kind of started to settle into like, this isn't something that's going to happen to, for us. And so there was, that was very hard to hear.

Like, how dare you say that? Like, You're not in my shoes. You don't know what hope does to someone like in this position. And do I talk to the Lord a lot about that too? There was a lot of like wrestling with that, um, and praying about [00:19:00] it. But in August of that year, I did get pregnant. Um, and so I was thrilled, like, obviously my husband and I were like, so excited.

Um, And we just decided to hold on to that news for a minute and like process through that and not long after that I actually ended up miscarrying, um, and so there was a lot of a wrestle of you gave me this hope like just between me and God of like you gave me this hope and Now you took it away from me again.

And like, now I'm that much more heartbroken. Like, how could you do this to me? Um, and the, like the first thing that he said to me was like, but I fulfilled my promise, which was true. Like he had said, like, you are going to get pregnant. And I did. And so there was, there was this rest, [00:20:00] um, that came through all of the grief as well, that like, no, but he is good and faithful and he's kind, like in the midst of all that he asks us to hold, he's kind.

And so, um, there was just this piece as my husband and I walked through this journey of grief and of kind of trying to like, settle back into like. If our only baby that we have is one that rests in Jesus arms, uh, we're going to be okay, like that, that's going to be okay. Um, and so we learned a lot about just the heart of the father through that process.

Like there's always more depth. To Jesus to be found and everything that we get to walk through. And so, um, my family obviously was very grieved for us as well. And just this, it was a process of grief that we all got to walk through. And so around Christmas time, they all like. very intentionally [00:21:00] were covering me in prayer.

Um, and we like spent time as a family, like praying over Tony and I, and then our anniversary was in January. So that was our, um, third and fourth anniversary. Oh my goodness. I don't remember. Um, I think it was our third anniversary that we went to Charleston for a little trip. And the whole time we were there, I felt terrible.

And I was like, I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant, but I was like, I'm not going to take a test while we're gone. I can't do that. Like, I'm just, nope, not going to do it. And so, um, we got back and I like took a test the first morning we were home and it was positive and we were just thrilled. We were just beyond excited.

Kayla: And your family had just prayed over you the month before?

Annie: Yes, they prayed for us the month before. But even with that, there was a lot of fear because it was our second, like, [00:22:00] I was very nervous that the Lord was going to ask me to hold grief once again. Um, and so there just was, even through that, just a lot of surrender and a lot of just trusting that what he has for us, regardless of what it looks like, is always for our good and always has the intention of making us more like him, you know?

And so that was the start of A very, very brutal pregnancy. And so my mom had pretty bad morning sickness. So I assumed that, you know, the first like six to eight weeks would be rough, but I lost over 20 pounds just in my first trimester from being so, so sick. And then it like never went away.

So

I threw up every single day until the day I had her, [00:23:00] which that in itself, it was such a rough, a wrestle because when you're physically ill, it just, it feels like suffering.

And so I, I knew that I was carrying the fulfillment of a pro a promise from the Lord. And it just felt like we just hit so much adversity through that process. Like every which way. Um, so from severe HG and then I developed, it was pregnancy induced tachycardia. So like my heart rate would just randomly spike and I could not get it down and I Like with blackout, I blacked out multiple times during my pregnancy.

I was no, I was no longer allowed to drive, um, because of how sick I was. And my husband travels for work, so I would have to move in with my parents while he was traveling. Um, and. I could not [00:24:00] shower unsupervised because I had passed out in the shower before like

Kayla: wow

Annie: It was so So challenging like every little bit of just like trying to get something in my system Was work I had to go into the hospital multiple times just for Fluids because I couldn't keep fluids down um It was quite the process.

Um, and then at 24 weeks pregnant, I started bleeding. Um, and so that again, I was like, all right, like it was a whole process of like, I'm going to be thankful for this life as long as I have the privilege of carrying it. Um, but if the Lord takes her from me, I'm gonna, I'm gonna learn to walk and surrender in that too.

Um, and so I was in the hospital at 24 weeks. Um, and then again at 31 [00:25:00] weeks, um, both times them being like, all right, you need to prepare to like, have your baby, like, we need to prepare for a baby's arrival in some way, shape or form. And. Both of those times, the song, um, gratitude, the Lord brought that song to mind.

And that was like on repeat in my mind. And so he just, there just was this closeness and this intimacy and this place of like the Lord holding me. In a place of gratitude for whatever he had, um, and whatever he asked us to hold. And like at 31 weeks, we were looking at a baby that was going to have to be in NICU for a long time if she survived.

And so, Whatever that looked like to there just was over and over and over again throughout her pregnancy There was just this tug of like do you trust me? Like do you trust me to be a good and kind father and do you [00:26:00] trust me to like be who I say? I am you know and in that there also is like this press of like I need to know who he is Like I need to know deeper levels of my father's heart To know what I'm like, what I'm releasing up my own into his hands.

And so, um, if you don't know who you're communicating with, if you don't know who is holding you, like how can you actually rest in a place of like surrender, like true surrender. And so honestly, I think that is like what my whole pregnancy with her, like ultimately taught me is that like, Our relationship with the father and what that looks like and how we walk through that like Ultimately, everything is like about diving deeper, like finding more of his heart because the more pieces of him that we uncover as we truly seek him, like he says, like, if you seek me, you will be found by me.

And so in choosing to seek him [00:27:00] and find him, there is more. ability to like just release those things to him because he is good and he is faithful and he is kind and there is a peace in that. In knowing that who you are surrendering to and who is asking you to trust him is actually trustworthy,

Kayla: you know?

Yeah. So what ended up happening with the bleeding? Did they find the cause of the bleeding or like what was, what was causing that?

Annie: No, so they didn't end up finding the cause of bleeding. They said, sometimes this just happens during pregnancy. It can like, honestly, I felt like it was just spiritual attack and more undermining of fear, um, because they were like, well, like I bled until we got to the hospital and then it like slowly started to slow down.

Um, but I was also having contractions, uh, which. Was also because I was so dehydrated. So that [00:28:00] was like the other thing, because I couldn't keep fluids in my body, just kept like basically panicking and trying to go into labor. Um, and so they kept me on fluids, um, in triage. So I was completely alone. Like they didn't ever, they didn't have space to transfer me to a room.

So I was alone in triage for. A lot of hours, and they just would occasionally come in and check and see if I was still bleeding or if it was slowing down, if they could find baby's heartbeat, um, and so it was just a lot of waiting and praying and worshipping on my own as I waited for them to tell me if I was okay to go home or if we were just waiting for a baby to arrive.

Kayla: Wow. Was your husband with you during that or was that when he was out of town? Um, Um, both times

Annie: he was out of town at 24 weeks, so as soon as he knew he was like trying to get [00:29:00]home, but because they didn't, they didn't have a room for me, so they kept me in triage both times. I, he couldn't have come back with me either time.

Kayla: Wow.

Annie: So it was a lot of just me and the Lord talking a lot about what was going on.

Kayla: That sounds like it. You know, knowing that you'd wanted a family for so long and waited a long time in, in order to have this baby growing inside of you, did you have any sort of an idea of how you wanted your birth to go or what you wanted that to look like?

Annie: Yes, so my mom has had all eight of us unmedicated and so I grew up hearing like you can do this like you can have a baby unmedicated. This is what your body was built for, like the Lord designed it for a purpose. And so going into it, I knew that I wanted to do unmedicated. Because of all of my [00:30:00] health issues prior to getting pregnant, I had just had a lot of in and out of the hospital, um, most of them being negative experiences.

And so I was like, I do not want to be in the hospital. Like, I was anti hospital birth, didn't want any part of it. I Get so stressed and anxious in the hospital setting. Um, and so I was avoiding that at all costs. Um, so we, after I found out I was pregnant, I, I was already going to a birth center, um, just for my GYN care.

And so we decided that was what we were going to do. But about 16 weeks into my pregnancy, they actually like switched all their staffing and. No longer did on site births. So like you had to go to a hospital Oh, so I was like right in the middle of all of that.

Kayla: Yeah, and

Annie: then We decided the like the next closest one [00:31:00] or the next option for us was um towards Jacksonville Which was like close to a two hour drive.

And based on how I was feeling, I was like, I do not want to be in labor in the car for that long.

Kayla: Yeah.

Annie: So I was trying to find a new OB in our area. I decided just to settle into Fayetteville. Like it's close, it's accessible. We'll just go from there. And like, no one. Would take me because I was like so close to halfway through my pregnancy.

They were like, we don't have any openings. I was just having like the hardest time getting anyone to like see me. Wow. So, I called a doula. So the lady who delivered my youngest sister, My name is Dorothan and she lives in the area. She delivered my youngest sister for my mom and then she helped, well, she was the doula for my mom and then the doula for, um, one of my older sisters as well for her first baby.

So I called her and I was like, I don't have an OB. [00:32:00] I don't know what's going on, but I know I'm going to need help. Like, Well, you take me on as a client. And so she honestly ended up being a complete lifesaver. Like she was the best thing that ever happened. Um, we met for coffee. I was 20, like two weeks pregnant at that point.

And she was like, Oh, you have HG, you're anemic. Like you think this is pregnancy mask, but it's actually because you are anemic. So she like immediately came in with like. This is what we're going to do. We're going to try to help you. And she just became like the best resource for me. Any little thing that happened, like she was our first call.

Um, and so like when I started bleeding, she like helped me determine when to go into the hospital at 31 weeks, I was like, Going into labor. I was having contractions every two minutes my husband was gone and like, so I called her and I was like, I dunno, what's going on? And she's like, okay, this is what we're gonna [00:33:00] do.

And so she was just immediately like a resource and a lifesaver for me.

Kayla: Wow. I have goosebumps. 'cause it's like she got to doula for your mom, she got to doula for your sister, and now she's dueling for you. Um,

Annie: that's so cool. Yes. And it's just one of those God things too, because she. Because she knew our family and she knew my mom, she also had a good idea of like labors.

And so there is some genetics that go into like how you deliver a baby. And so like how my mom like carried and delivered her babies. She already had some like history of that too. So that was really helpful going in to my, uh, labor and delivery. And she, she really was just like completely heaven sent.

She was like the best resource ever. Yeah. So.

Kayla: Well, it sounds like it. Yeah. That's amazing. So did she end up helping you find a care provider then?

Annie: So she had a few suggestions. We tried to get through those and [00:34:00] nobody would take me, so I ended up on like a rotating OB schedule at a hospital out in Hope County.

Um, because some of their doctors provide care at the hospital that I was going to be at, kind of always seeing an OB. Um, and about six weeks before I delivered, there was one doctor who I just loved. He wasn't usually on call at the hospital I was going to, but I just loved him. So I wrote down his name and I sent it to my prayer group.

And I was like, Okay. Prayers for labor. I need this guy. Can anyone, you know, really present about this for me? Um, the other thing with my, like at that point in pregnancy, they were, they had started talking about like my birth plan and everything like that. And I really was surrendered to like, I just want my baby to be healthy.

Like I, I know a lot of people say that, like, I just want, you [00:35:00] know, healthy baby. And at that point I was like, no, I just need my baby to be healthy. Um, and they were like, we are not sure that you can do this. Like your body is so physically depleted. There's like almost no chance you're going to be able to do this without an epidural.

There's very minimal chance that you're going to be able to do this without a C section. What? So because of my tachycardia too, they weren't sure how much that was impacting Emi and like her hurt and what was going on with her. So, but I would like, I was just, I couldn't keep anything down. So I was like frail.

And They were like, I, we just don't think that you are going to physically be able to like handle labor. Like, I, we don't think your body is going to be capable of doing this. And so there was just a lot of fear and, and my body doesn't respond quickly or well to local [00:36:00] anesthetics of any kind. So I was also like trying to like get past the fact that like, I might be able to feel.

A C section in some degree and that was like terrifying to me as well. So, um, there was just like a lot of fear leading up to like labor and delivery and they were saying like, there's no way you're making it past 36 weeks. Like, that's our goal. We are at when I was in at 31 weeks. They were like, we are just trying to get you to 36 weeks and then like.

If that, that will be a miracle. Um, but like you need to prep for baby that early.

Kayla: So that was like, because they thought that baby was going to come early or because they wanted to induce you because they thought you couldn't get enough nutrition in to sustain.

Annie: Because they thought baby was going to come early because at 31 weeks I was like in the hospital and labor and completely by the hand of God.

My contractions stopped and they sent me home without my water breaking. And so that was like, that was [00:37:00] what I was hearing. That was the narrative around birth. I was just

Kayla: terrified. Had you taken any classes or read any books or anything like that?

Annie: Yes. So I had, I had taken a class. And I am so sorry I didn't write down the name of it, so now I can't remember.

I will send you the name of the class that I took. It's okay. Was it like in person or online? It was online. Um, it was spiritually based. There was the element of like God's plan for birth. Um, and how he designed it and then also just like the walkthrough birth coping mechanisms and, um, just the process of birth and all of that, like stages of labor, all of that kind of stuff.

Um, so it was a wonderful resource. So I had done all of that and I was like prepped on that side of things. Um, but I was still just hearing everyone say like, You're probably not gonna, you're probably not going to be able to do this, so, um, which was [00:38:00] terrifying to me. So I was due on September 2nd, the first week of August, so I hit 36 weeks, and I was sitting on my couch being very fearful, and, but also just being open with the Lord about it, and, so I'm an artist, and he visually just painted this place, Like for me of labor and delivery of like perfect peace.

Like there was just rejoicing in peace. Like that was what he like visually gave me. And I still didn't know like all the steps of what it was going to be. Like, it wasn't like he was like saying, no, you're gonna, you're going to have this baby without a C section, but there just was. This, like, such a solid confirmation that his hands were all over this, too.

And so regardless of what it looked like, he was going to be present in the room. And in that, like, he is the Prince of Peace. [00:39:00] And so there was going to be peace and there was going to be joy. So fear had no place. And the same morning, he spoke the exact same thing to my mom, who was planning to be in my labor and delivery.

And as a mom was scared for me, like was fearful of what this was going to look like and how was she going to support and help through this too? Like this was new ground for all of us, you know, but on the exact same day, like, so she called me and she's like, this is what the Lord told me. And I'm like, yes, confirmation.

Absolutely. Like, this is exactly what he's speaking to me too. Um, so that was the first week of August. We were on. Baby watch because everyone was saying baby's showing up at 36 weeks and on the night of September 1st I had my first like real intentional like early labor contractions again. So for the month of August, I had almost nothing.

No [00:40:00] contractions, no signs of labor, like nothing. And I was able to eat a little bit. I was still throwing up, but I was actually starting to be able to like hydrate some and eat. Um, and then September 1st, I went into early labor. The day before your due date. The day before my due date. Wow. I made a list that morning that the Lord told me like peace and joy.

I made a list of specific things I was praying for. One of them being that my doctor who was not my doctor was present in the hospital. And another thing I was asking for was less than 12 hours of labor. Um, because I was so physically depleted. I was like, I just don't know. 12, like more than 12 hours seems like a lot, but going into a first.

Your first labor and delivery that is very rare

Kayla: a short labor.

Annie: Yeah. Yes. So, um, I went to bed that evening with like some contractions and discomfort and stuff and I was like I'm just gonna I [00:41:00] was really trying to keep it in a place of like just not gonna get my hoops up like I'm not Gonna psych myself out and then you know be disappointed in the morning when I'm still pregnant like We're just going to, we're just going to rest in this.

So I went to bed and I woke up just past midnight, um, with just like a lot of cramping and kind of discomfort. And one of my older sisters is a nurse and she was working night shifts. So I shot her a text and I was like, I think I might be in labor, but I'm not sure. Also, my husband is. In school right now.

So he was still upstairs doing homework, so he had not gone to bed yet. So I was downstairs in our bedroom, just like, you know, trying to figure out what was going on. And so my sister was like, well, try to get in bed, see if you can go back to sleep. And if you can't then call door Sam. So I, that was our doula.

So. I laid back down and that lasted for [00:42:00] like all of five minutes and I was like, no, I can, I am not comfortable. Like I'm not doing, I'm, I'm not able to do this. And so I got back up and I turned on some praise music. I shot door Santa text and was like, Hey, like this is what's going on. I think I might be in like very early labor.

Um, and our plan was, so I wanted to avoid being in the hospital for as long as possible. So our plan was. Drive to my mom's house first because she was 15 minutes away from the hospital. So then we had like the option of like Longer labor time, less time in the car, further into labor, and so, um, and that, or to Dorothan's house, again, because she's super close to the hospital, she's been doing it for years, so she can, she has a good idea of like, alright, your contractions are this close together, this is how you're acting, that kind of thing, might be time to move, kind of thing, so.

So my mom was like, you, you might be in labor, but this could be, this could be hours or days, [00:43:00] like, we're, we'll see, we'll see where it goes. Um, and so I labored a little bit. I like filled my tub, just trying to get comfortable. Um, I wasn't uncomfortable, like super uncomfortable at that point, but just trying to like pay attention to like, What was actually going on with my body and everything like that.

Um, and I texted my husband and I was like, might be time to put some real pants on, like we might be, so, um, he came down and then he gave door Santa call and she was like helping me move through a couple of different positions just to see what that would do to the intensity of contractions. And she was like, okay, well, based on what I'm hearing, like, Let's do a deep squat like let's try one really deep squat And so I like walked out into my living room and did one deep squat and immediately threw up and she's like might be time to move like Location and so I [00:44:00] drove we drove to my mom's house and my mom had like set up a birthing suite in Two of her bedrooms downstairs in the bathroom, all of this stuff, like she was ready for like however long it was going to take.

We literally never even went inside. We, I stayed outside on, like, I was determined to like stay standing or on my feet, like as much as possible through labor. That was just where I was most comfortable. And so we stayed outside and it was like, I think it was like three or four in the morning at this point.

And my mom was like, Oh, okay. Yeah. You're actually in labor. Like when she saw me, she's like, okay, yeah, we're in labor. A baby's coming. All right. So she and my husband were like behind me, like talking about what to do next because my doula was in another birth. So we were deciding, trying to decide what to do next.

And I was in my mom's driveway and just worshiping the Lord, honestly, like I looked up and the sky was completely clear. Full of stars, like, [00:45:00] um, and the verse that the heavens declare, his glory came to mind. And so I was just like, me and Jesus were just hanging out, like we were just doing work together.

And I think that's like the coolest thing for me about labor. And like, part of why it like gets me so excited is because there's just this intimacy with the father and like. Just like the communion with the Lord. Like I had never seen Jesus face so clearly as I did when I was having my babies, like labor was just like this incredibly spiritual experience.

Like, and I think that like that is his intention and that is his design. Like when we walk into a place of like surrender and be like, Jesus, I can't do this without you. Like, this is hard. I'm not going to be able to do this without you, but I'm going to surrender to your plan. And it just. It just becomes like communion with Jesus.

So I was just like fully in, like literally just looking at Jesus face, like every single contraction, [00:46:00] like Brian, like right here, like this, this was me and Jesus. And it's just profoundly humbling. Like it was just, it just was the privilege of being able to birth my baby and experience Jesus like that, whatever the next few hours held, like that was where I was at at that moment and just profoundly grateful for it, you know?

And so, um, Through all that, like, my mom and my husband decided we were headed to my doula's house, and so we moved again. We were back in the car, moved to my doula's house, and we labored there for a few hours, and as we What, your doula who was at another birth? Yes. So we met her at her house. We waited just long enough for her to be like, okay, I'm headed home.

You can either meet me at the hospital, or you can meet me at my house. And I was like, I'm not, I'm not ready to be in a hospital yet. So we moved to her house and I got out of the car at her house and the [00:47:00] birds were starting to sing and the sun was starting to come up. And so it was just like this breath of fresh air.

Like, okay. It was kind of like a reset, like, all right, we're good. Let's let's keep moving. So she was like, we're not, we're not. I don't think we're close to transition yet. I was feeling some discomfort. Um, so it seemed like Em was like a little bit cockeyed. So she was like into one hip a little bit too much.

So we went through some positions to help her get shifted and move down some. And honestly, I will say this like a thousand times, having a doula, Is that's like my first question to anybody who's like, what's the best way to prep for labor? Like get a doula, like they aren't there for you. Like they are there for mama.

And, but there's just so much wisdom that comes with them too. It's like, they can like, Dorisanne can like see how baby's sitting and what needed to be done. And she has like the strongest hand. So my husband was very [00:48:00] helpful and very supportive. But. I'm just, I just think other women with you in birth, like there's just, there's just power in it.

Like it was, it was just incredible. And so she helped me get baby, like moved down. And, uh, we felt like we were making like decent progress. And so she was like, all right, I think it, I think it might be time for us to head to the hospital. I fell asleep in the car on the way to the hospital. Like I was getting to a point of being like so depleted and, Really like I was like starting to turn gray, which was part of the reason we decided to like head to the hospital.

I couldn't keep anything in my stomach. I was throwing up. So we got in the car and I literally fell asleep between every single contraction, which like, for some reason, the car rides were, that was like a point of anxiety for me. Like, I don't want to be stuck in a car and going anywhere in labor. And.

Like the Lord just took care of that too. Like I'd [00:49:00] have a contraction and then I literally would just like lean my head back on the seat. My mom was behind me. So she had her hand on my shoulder. And I would, I fell asleep between contractions. Like, so it was like this nice little like reset. Um, and then we got to the hospital and there was a lot of chaos.

I wasn't allowed to take anyone into triage with me. And so we went in, they checked me, I was at seven. So I was like, great, that is a lot further than I thought I was. Praise Jesus for that. Um, but there's still, it's just like a lot of chaos. They're like trying to get you hooked up. And so I was like really working with the Lord on like, my own anxiety of being in a hospital space.

Um, and they were like, okay, we're going to move you to a room. Like, let's go. Like it's baby time. And they tried to put me in a wheelchair. And I was like, absolutely not. Like, just tell me where I'm going. So I'm like running down the hall. Cause the nurse was like, well, we do [00:50:00] way too small to even support me.

And I was squatting through every contraction, but I needed help getting back up and she couldn't help me get back up. So I was like, I have between this contraction and the next one to get to my hospital room. And, um, but the Lord took care of that too. And I didn't realize that at the time, but I was hitting transition at that point.

So that was honestly was the only time I felt overwhelmed. In my entire, like labor, I walked in and my mom was like, are you okay? And I was like, I just feel overwhelmed, which was literally the only thing that I said, it was the only noise that I made the entire time I was in labor. I told my mom I was overwhelmed and then there was nothing else.

And so he's just immediately fell in that room too. Like my mom walked in, my husband walked in, they both started praying and like inviting the Holy spirit in. And. So peace like immediately fell in there too. And [00:51:00] we did like move through a couple of transitions and stuff. My water still had not broken.

So I was able to be out of the bed still. And they were like, you're like right at eight, they checked me again. You're like right at eight. I think maybe if we. break your water, baby will descend and we'll be good. And so I was like, okay. And I was like prepping for a couple more hours of labor, like through transition, um, and stuff before I could start pushing.

And so we contended to having my water broken. And as soon as they broke my water, like she ascended, they were like, Oh, you're at 10. Like, You can start pushing when baby's coming. And so it was just all like very, very quick, but, um, in a really good way and still very peaceful. And the, another thing I had prayed was less than an hour of pushing.

So I pushed for about 40 or 54 minutes with her and she was born 11 hours and 38 minutes [00:52:00]after I started.

Kayla: After your little first contraction.

Annie: So, um, before noon, um, on September 2nd, exactly on my due date, uh, 40 weeks. And it just, it was incredible, completely unmedicated. Like everything that they said could not happen happened.

And then right before I had my baby, my doctor who I had paid for walked into the room and Delivered my baby and took care of me like postpartum and everything. And so literally like the Lord just like went through my checklist and was like, just reminder, like I'm good, you know? And, uh, it was, it was just very humbling, but also just.

insanely awesome, like so cool.

Kayla: Wow. That's incredible. You were already in such communion with the Lord in your labor. Like you were already feeling so close with him. And [00:53:00] I totally get what you were saying about being face to face with Jesus and and encountering him in a way that you hadn't in any other season of life.

I totally feel that, like when I'm in labor too, but then to have him answering all those prayers, like down to the details of less than 12 hours and less than one hour of pushing and with this doctor and Like, that's amazing. Like that's to the Testament of the goodness of God. That is incredible. Not that if he didn't answer those prayers that he wouldn't be good, but you know, the fact that he did is just, you know, that much more reassurance in his goodness and his love for you.

And that's amazing. I'm just so thrilled for you, especially after such a hard, hard, hard pregnancy.

Annie: Yeah, it did. It just felt like the Lord, like in, in small and big ways, like reminding, reminding us, like, I am good and kind, [00:54:00] you know, like that is who I am, the essence of who I am is good and kind at, um, yes, we have to do hard things.

Because we live in a broken world and, uh, we have to carry grief sometimes, but in all of that, like, he is still good and kind. And so, um, are you, like, are we bold enough to ask him, you know? And like you said, like, when he doesn't answer, And the way we want, that doesn't mean that he is not good, but when he does, it just is a sweet blessing and privilege.

And I'm so incredibly grateful for who he is and what he, for us through that process.

Kayla: Yeah. So, how was postpartum then? How was breastfeeding? How was the fourth trimester? Which doesn't sound like it was a very long fourth trimester before you maybe got pregnant again. So.

Annie: Yeah, it was not. So, um. My husband and I were talking [00:55:00] about, um, what we were going to do with birth control and all of that kind of thing.

And, um, in talking to the Lord about it, he was like, you trusted me when it was no to children. So do you trust me when there's an option for children? Like this is a two sided coin. And so we felt like we were supposed to just leave that with open hands, whatever that looked like, which was terrifying, especially given the pregnancy I had just had.

So initial recovery was really, really hard. Just from just trying to catch up. Um, from being, like, so physically depleted, I did have some tearing, like, internal tearing that was, um, physically just really hard to recover from, and so that initial, those initial, like, two weeks was, like, really hard on me, um, because you're so exhausted, you're trying to figure out what's going on with you and this tiny human who is now dependent on you for all things, um, But I was also just like so incredibly [00:56:00]thankful to have a baby that, you know, you can, you smell this tiny human who is like tiny and perfect.

And even if they're screaming all of the time, like you just would rip your heart out of your chest for them if that was what was required. And so, um, it was an interesting process of recovery. Um, and again, back to like battling fear, because I was like, I don't think I can be pregnant again. I physically don't know if I can do this, um, again.

Because I was like, labor? No problem. Like, I would do delivery a hundred times again. But I was like, I don't want to be pregnant. Like, I don't know if I can handle being pregnant. And honestly, like finding out I was pregnant again was like completely the Lord's grace too, because I think like, had it been up to me, I don't know if I would have said yes for a while, just because of my own fear.

Um, and I [00:57:00] found out I was pregnant when I was, my M was. five, like five months old, four, four months old, four or five months old. And I was like, she's just a baby. Like she's going to have to grow up and I'm not going to be able to take care of her because I'm going to be so sick. And it was just like this whole mess of emotions, but also just being like profoundly grateful that after being told that we would not be able to have children.

Easily, like, here I was, pregnant again.

Kayla: Man, two back to back. So, did you know that you were fertile? Like, had your cycle come back after having your first?

Annie: So, I had had one kind of, like, funky ish cycle, but it had been like two months earlier, and it just was kind of, I don't know what's going on, and, um, you're, like, my hormones were still all over the place, and so it was really hard to, [00:58:00] like, track anything, um, and of course they always tell you, like, breastfeeding, like, breastfeeding works, um, which it probably does to some degree, but probably not as they would want it to, um.

So you were

Kayla: breastfeeding the whole time then? Mm hmm.

Annie: Yes.

Kayla: So I was

Annie: breastfeeding the whole time, um, I was still like very much in recovery mode. So it was like, we, it was like very much like tiptoeing into the water kind of thing. Like there was, the chances of me getting pregnant were incredibly low. Um,

Kayla: and

Annie: so,

Kayla: Unless God wanted you to be pregnant and then they were 100 percent high.

Exactly.

Annie: Exactly, which was definitely the case. And so there was, there was an odd mixture of like, really excited and really overwhelmed when I found out I was pregnant again. But the Lord, in all of his kindness, was that pregnancy was not nearly as bad. I was definitely still [00:59:00] nauseous and I was throwing up weekly until I had my son, but not daily.

So that.

Kayla: Wow. You know what? That actually surprises me, but that is amazing. Cause I would, in my experience and in like my logical thinking. we are even more depleted after we have a baby because they sucked all the minerals and nutrients out of us while we were growing them. And then you're breastfeeding.

So you've got more nutrients going out of your body and then you're pregnant again. And so it's almost like you're starting from a deficit while also breastfeeding. And in my mind that would make your next pregnancy harder than the one you just had, than the first one. But that's incredible that you didn't and that just encouragement and hope for women out there who are afraid to get pregnant again.

Listen to Annie's story. It can be done. It can be. That's, that's amazing. So it wasn't [01:00:00] as hard then. I mean, obviously it was still hard, but not as hard as the first one.

Annie: Yeah. It definitely had its challenges. Um, again, my, my husband travels for work, so I was on my own a lot with a small human. Um, but. Yeah, it definitely was a lot more manageable.

Um, first trimester was still like really rough, but I was definitely hit with a lot more exhaustion than, um, just the like sickness. I did develop the pregnancy induced tachycardia again, but it, that too wasn't as severe, um, which I was very, very thankful for. And so it was, it was a lot more manageable and we moved that summer too.

So I like found out I was pregnant. And then we moved, um, but we moved very close and my sister actually moved in right around the corner from us and she has three kiddos that are very young too. So my daughter and her [01:01:00] youngest are very close in age. So there was, there was help right around the corner, which definitely helped a lot through the end towards the end of that pregnancy as well.

But I do think it was just like. The Lord's kindness on that too. Um, and I think sometimes we discredit that in the sense of we know these things about us. We see these things written on paper or the doctors are telling you all of these things and like we can sometimes get too much in our head and like disregard that like ultimately.

The Lord can do daily miracles. And for me, the daily miracle was that I was able to like get up and function and not black out consistently in my pregnancy. And, and I was able to keep some fluids in my stomach and, um, eat lightly most days and stuff like that. So, um, yes, dramatically different. Pregnancy.

Pregnancy still is not my favorite thing, but. Mine either. [01:02:00] Dramatically different pregnancy. Yeah. Creating

Kayla: humans is hard. It is. And when you said, like, I could go through labor a hundred times, but the pregnancy not so much. Like, I feel. The exact same way for me. Pregnancy is the hard part and the labor is the quote unquote easy part.

Yeah, so for this pregnancy then did you just jump right back in with the same doctor that you had been seeing? The one that you lied to ended up delivering your baby?

Annie: No, so he was not available. He, like, he was, he's not a full time OB. Like, he doesn't have an office that I can just, like, go to. Um, so I found another, um, OB locally, um, And then, honestly, though, my first step was, like, I called my doula, like, the day after I found out.

And I was like, um, okay, well, uh, I'm pregnant again, so I'm gonna need you again. And she was like, well, I guess, it must not have been that [01:03:00] bad the first round. And I was like, guess not, because here we are. So, she was actually my first step, because I was like, honestly, regardless of what doctor I have, if you were in the room, like she was my advocate.

She had already been through one of my labors with me. So she not only know, like knew me personally, but also just like knew my medical history and how, um, things that helped me cope and what my preferences were and all of that kind of stuff. So she, um, was my bulldog in the, in the hospital room of, because I didn't want to be like, I don't want to be like tied in monitors immediately and all of that.

So she did. navigate that while also still like adhering to like policies and things that were necessary and everything like that. So she was my first step. Then I found an OB, um, not my favorite OB, but it was more of just like making sure that, you know, baby was looked at and all of that kind [01:04:00] of stuff.

Like keeping, keeping up with that kind of stuff for me, making sure baby was healthy and growing and there weren't any. Like, large errors or, um, things that needed more specific attention.

Kayla: Gotcha. So then, you kind of already told us how the pregnancy went, because you said the second one was a boy. Was he due in October, or did you have him in October?

Annie: He was due October 24th. Oh my gosh, another due date baby. Baby round two. I was like, you know what, if we have more babies, I'm just gonna, we can just count on them coming on their due date apparently. Because I'm two for two. Uh, so yeah, so he was due October 24th. My doula was like, this is gonna be quick.

Like, we're having babies really close together.

Kayla: That's what I thought, as soon as you said. Yeah,

Annie: we already know how fast we're laughing. Yeah, I was

Kayla: like, this is gonna be much, much faster.

Annie: Yes, significantly faster. So she was like, when you think you might be in [01:05:00] labor, come to my house. So, um, My sister lived right around the corner.

So we had like plans for my other baby and doing and everything like that. So my mom was like, I'll just meet you at the hospital. Like we're, I'm not going to chase you guys around. I'll just meet you at the hospital if you want me to be there. So I was starting to feel like maybe like maybe labor could possibly be happening.

My OB had already started talking about inducing me. Cause I was like right towards 40 weeks. And I was like, I'm not going to show up to that appointment if you schedule it, like, sorry. Um, so, um, my doula just had me doing different like exercises and she was like, you can like try drinking this stuff or that stuff or anything like that.

And we almost did that like two weeks ahead of his due date. And then I was just like, I just don't feel comfortable. Like, I don't know, I don't have any peace about this. I'm just going to let it be what it is. Um, And [01:06:00] so we just rested in that and ended up not taking any like measures to try to induce labor or anything like that.

And I like started to feel kind of like crampy on the evening of the 23rd. And I was like, they're like, we're maybe kind of in very early labor, called my doula. And she's like, well, just come this way. Like it's early enough in the evening that if you just go back home, it's fine. But let me just like, see where you're at and what we can do.

And so I was, like, still fine. Like, I was, like, forgetting I was in labor, or between contractions, if you can call them that, like, it was just a very, like, calm process. I was sitting on the birthing ball at her house, just, like, hanging out, laughing, like, whatever. And she was like, Okay, well, let's, let's just go sit on the toilet and see what that does.

So this was at ten, like, ten forty five. Um, and I was like, great, sure. I'm like, whatever. I'm, I'm good with everything. [01:07:00] So within seconds, I started throwing up and she was like, okay,

Kayla: the toilet will do it every time,

Annie: every time. And so we like. Jumped in the car. My water was still intact. We jumped in the car, drove to the hospital, which was like four minutes away.

She barked. I'm convinced she did this on purpose. She parked so far away from the hospital in the parking deck and made me walk and then squatting through every single contraction, which because it was so much fat, there is a train going through my body. Like what is happening? But we like got to triage.

My water broke in triage. They wrapped me in a sheet, quickly moved me into my room, and he was born at 12 24 p. m. So like under two hours of labor. Of active labor, yeah. Yeah, and when I walked into the hospital [01:08:00] room, I was at, they said I was at six centimeters and I was like, Oh my gosh, we still have so far to go.

Like that felt like so far to go based on how long it took me in M's labor. And he was born in like four contractions. Yeah. So very different experience, which honestly I think just teaches you like each labor has something to teach you about yourself and about the Lord and that one too, like, and like.

rush and chaos and like trying to like find peace really in the midst of a storm, um, where the other one was a lot more like this slow steady like build this one was like zero to a hundred like absolute chaos when I remember it but also like that the lord was still just as present and just as intentional and

Kayla: yeah

Annie: and just just as kind you know like he was He was still there and had his hands all in it and, [01:09:00] and so like finding the piece in the middle of like people literally just like running and trying to figure out like what's going on and like it was like, My doula was like, get on the bed, get on the bed.

She was like, you're going to have this baby in my hand. Get on the bed. Onto my hands, like hands and knees on the bed. And they had him, um, that quick. So there was a lot of moments of like, what sounded like noise and chaos in that one that I don't remember from my first, but that like the Lord is still very visible and very present and very, um, Kind and gracious and present, you know, like it was still Jesus right here.

And so, um, it just was, it was really cool to, to feel that like contrast and feel the exact same Jesus in the middle of it, you know, like that we can be in. what may feel like the [01:10:00] valley that is like this very slow progress forward or like the raging storm that is like chaos and noise and everything and that like the gentle consistency of the savior is the same if we're willing to like Keep our eyes on him, you know, like the, the phrase that always comes to mind is like eyes up daughter eyes up, you know, and so just making sure that we don't let ourselves get like hunched over and, and looking at ourselves and keeping our eyes on him and everything else gets really quiet really fast if we're willing to do that.

So yeah, just incredibly humbling. And, um, I got to birth two babies, unmedicated and without any major intervention of any kind, um, for what, like, my physical body was capable of at that point and that, like, supernatural strength that the Lord gave me for [01:11:00] both was just, it's just humbling and I am profoundly grateful for it.

Kayla: Did your mom end up making it?

Annie: She like, she ran in right at the end and we, I'm not actually sure how long exactly we were in the hospital room before the baby arrived. I think it was like maybe seven contractions ish. We had like, Gone to the bathroom once and then when I walked out of the bathroom, I like barely made it to the end of the bed.

So she arrived somewhere in there, but I don't recall when. I just know that she was there when I had him on my chest. Yeah. So

Kayla: yeah, I'm, I'm not sure. How did your postpartum go with him? Postpartum

Annie: with him was more challenging. I had, um, There were a lot of health things that were going on outside, like unrelated to pregnancy that added some [01:12:00] stress and everything.

And so, um, where the first, my first was like, I feel really good. Like I, I, this is hard and I am tired, but like, I feel great. This one, I definitely like around a month postpartum started to like really suffer with PPD and. That in itself there, I didn't realize there was an element of like pride in my own strength in all of that the Lord brought me through and I was still holding this piece of pride of like Oh, I recovered from pregnancy really well Like and I didn't I didn't suffer with depression like I didn't have postpartum depression which they said was gonna be a really big issue post Emmy's pregnancy my first pregnancy because of Just how physically depleted I was, they were like, you're most likely going to have like severe postpartum depression.

And I didn't. And so with this one to then be like really wrestling with it, it took me a lot to like, [01:13:00] realize that I had a lot of pride that I was holding on to in that and that I needed to release to the Lord as well. And, um, like just let him be enough. And my sister and I were talking and about it and she's like, you know, like the Lord gives us grace for the day and we needed to stop trying to operate outside of that.

Like there is manna for the day. And when we try to operate beyond what he has provided, the bread rots. You know what I mean? And so it's picking up the manna every morning, you know, and starting there and there's grace for the day and letting that be enough and letting him be enough. And even if you are like barely pulling yourself together and keeping the children alive, you know, like there's grace for the day and that is enough.

And so, um, Learning how to rest there when everything in my heart and mind was telling me otherwise, like that this was too hard and I was not doing enough and [01:14:00] I was failing my kids and I was failing my family. And, and I just really getting to a point of like, I don't want to be alive anymore. Like just having this, like heaviness of like, I don't want to be alive anymore.

And the Lord being like, Nope, like grace for the day, like eyes up daughter, there's grace for the day. And, um, And rest there when everything really doesn't feel okay. And relinquishing my pride of like, I can do this on my own. Like thanks for the help and labor and delivery and all of that. But like, I've got this, you know, and like, Nope.

You need me in this too. You need me in all things and I'm going to strip you of your pride and we're going to, we're going to walk through this together. And there is grace for the day. So stop, stop looking at tomorrow because that has its own set of worries, but it also has its own amount of grace and that's where we're going to, that's where we're going to put it,

Kayla: you know?

Yeah. [01:15:00] So how do you feel like you? Came out of postpartum depression. Do you feel like it was a little bit at a time? Like, what did you do? Um, so it was a combination

Annie: of A lot of surrendering to the lord and then also just very practical um Things on like the health side of things so I started taking I was more intentional about taking supplements So like b vitamins magnesium iron Um getting all of like my hormones up and my the vitamins up and all of that You definitely helps.

Um, getting fresh air every single day. I threw the kids in the stroller, whether it felt like it or not. And I went out the door. Um, and sometimes that was just like walking around the block, um, or just being in the front yard, but breathing in fresh air, I think surrounding yourself with outside. really helps in repostering our heart because like the Lord said, like, if you don't worship, then like the rocks will cry out.

And so I think that there is something profoundly [01:16:00] spiritual about like when we force ourselves outside, like creation is singing his praises. And so if we are trying to get our spirit into a place of surrendering and like worshiping and praising the Lord. Like that's a, that's a good place to start.

Kayla: I agree.

Have you ever heard of, um, Sacred Pathways, that book?

Annie: No, I haven't.

Kayla: In this book, there's nine, what do you call, sacred pathways of how we feel like we connect with God the easiest or the most or the best. And when you were talking about going outside and getting fresh air and seeing his creation. I immediately thought of this book and the pathway called Naturalist, which is loving God outdoors and just being able to connect with the Lord the most in an outside space because you are, you're in his creation and you're seeing like what he's made and and just how much that can lift our [01:17:00] souls and our spirits just connecting with his creation.

I just feel like so many things are connecting right now. So with, you know, coming out of postpartum depression, because I feel like I don't have postpartum depression as much as I get very, I don't know if you want to call it depressed, but at the beginning of my pregnancies and then at the end of my pregnancies, somewhere in the middle, I like sort of level out for a But I feel like the beginning and end, I'm just like, in a very low space.

And in my mind, I'm like, I shouldn't be, I'm pregnant. I should be so happy and grateful and everything. But, like you said, being outside is something that helped me so much too, and taking daily walks. And, Have you ever heard of the, uh, Thousand Hours Outside podcast?

Annie: Yes, I have.

Kayla: Okay. I love Jenny and her podcast and everything.

And she's a believer too, which is wonderful, but I will often listen to her podcast as well. I feel like it's not just [01:18:00] great for being outside, but as a mom, I've learned more about You're welcome. Bye. Bye. like child development and parenting from her podcast than I did in school when I was going to school for like early childhood development.

Like, it's just been amazing. And, and she, you know, has five kids and shares about birth and has her midwife on there and stuff. So it's really fun. I know it's a little off topic, but that's like one of my, if not my favorite podcast is probably a thousand hours outside. Okay. So back to you and your postpartum and being outside and feeling like that was helping, you know, lift you out of postpartum depression, just connecting with the Lord.

outside in his creation and, and, uh, yes, like you said, getting your vitamins and supplements and all of those things up, which is extremely important. Cause like we mentioned before, pregnancy really does deplete us of a lot of those essential minerals and vitamins. Where are [01:19:00] you now? We know that your babies are about to have their birthdays here in a couple of months, or maybe by the time this airs, it'll be their birthdays, but I don't think you're pregnant because you're not throwing up right now.

So, so where are you and your husband with that, with surrendering that to the Lord, like what you said before that you were trusting him not getting pregnant and then you were trusting him getting pregnant. So where, where do you guys fall now?

Annie: Yeah. So, um, we are still trying to hold it very loosely. I'm still just.

Kind of a little bit all over the map with hormones and everything like that. So it still is like hard to track everything. I recently miscarried again, um, just probably about two months ago. So my, my second baby, they were going to be about the same, uh, distance apart. And so, um, We are using some birth control, but no hormone based [01:20:00] birth control or anything like that.

So the chance of getting pregnant was still very low and we still ended up pregnant again. And so with that too, holding it before the Lord and asking him, you know, like grace for the day, because I think it's very easy to get frustrated by being asked to like carry grief again, you know? And, um, It was a different miscarrying experience this time around because I was further along.

And so I think that we can, we can do everything in our power. Um, but like ultimately the Lord is the one who like creates life. And I think my husband and I are both right now are just kind of struggling with like, we don't want to get pregnant again because we don't want to experience loss again. And that.

It's not trusting the Lord fully, you know? And so, um, it's not that it's wrong to try to prevent pregnancy and be wise about it, um, [01:21:00] as, as needed for like yourself and your family. But I think ultimately, like the question at the end of the day, it's like, is your heart actually in a place of surrender, whereas the Lord was like, there's more to your family.

There's more to add. Like, are you willing to say yes to that? And so that, that's like where we're at with it right now of just like a conversation with the Lord of like, if you ask more of us, if you, even if my pregnancy is hard again, like the first one, like, um, because there's so many variables that we don't know that are hard to say yes to, but like, do we trust him?

And like, Everything comes down to that and the posturing of our heart, even with the things that we can do in the physical. I was just talking to one of my sisters about this and she was like, You can take certain preventative measures and like that's your fleece before the Lord of like this is where we're at We're trying to prevent this but like ultimately the Lord does create life And so he will he will have his way and I don't mean that in [01:22:00] like like creating fear of like, oh my gosh Nothing.

It's like no pregnancy or Oh, birth control method is solid. Um, but like, I think our whole process of infertility and fertility and all of that has just consistently called back to mind, like, and called into question, like, where our trust is with the Lord, and how openly are we holding our family to him, you know, and it is a daily, daily process.

because there's so many emotions and also like physical things tied to it for just for me and then for my husband being like I want to protect you from this like I watched you literally be at such a point of illness that it was like And like, if I can protect you from that, like I want to, you know, and so it's an ongoing conversation and it is a ongoing, like, where is my faith today?

You know, like, [01:23:00] am I continuing to try and it's not, we don't do it perfectly by any, any means, but I think with this and with anything with the Lord, you just have to kind of check your heart daily of like, all right, I'm, I'm holding onto it this much. Amen. And I'm working on this daily and I'm holding it like 50 percent and being honest with the Lord about that like he did perfection from us because he knows we're never going to achieve it.

Um, but I think if we just continue that conversation with him. Even if we aren't seeing progress in our heart, do we trust that he is the one that's like shaping us? And I think that like, if we are just willing to be honest with him, then he's going to take care of the rest, you know, like letting him know that like, I, I don't trust you with it today.

Like genuinely, I don't trust you with it today. And that's just where I am. But he just requires that we continue to show up, you know, like, step into the throne room. I [01:24:00] think where we start to have issues is when we're like, I don't trust you with this, but also I'm either going to pretend that I do, which is pointless because he sees our heart anyway, or we start to avoid.

And, and we actually create a, a separation from him and, um, with our need to like do it perfectly. And that's not. That's not who he is, you know, like a good and kind father is one that is like when something goes wrong or when you mess up or whatever it is, like, you can trust and be like, Oh, here it is.

Like, here's my mess. Here's where I'm at. Like, I don't know. Like we are, we're allowed to be in a place like, I don't know, or I can't do this or I'm not. Okay. And, um, I think with postpartum depression too, like. That is what I'm learning. It's like a daily, it's a daily thing of like, I don't feel like I have the grace for the day and we always [01:25:00] do, but like our own emotions are so real and so present sometimes, and like just learning to be okay with that, with the father of like, just keep talking to him, you know, like keep the conversation going.

And so. With all of the things going around in our life right now, including family planning of like, I just don't know. I don't know where I'm at with it today. Like I want to trust you and you do have good things for us. And sometimes it's crazy to me that like in all that I've walked through with him, I can still be back in a place of like, I don't trust you with this right now.

Like, you've asked me to carry something I don't feel strong enough to carry. Like, I don't trust you with it today. That he is still willing to like, sit down with us in that space. And be like, I sub daughter, it's okay. Like, it's okay to be hurt. It's okay to, [01:26:00] to carry grief. Just don't turn your face from me.

You know, like in all of the things and in the lessons we can learn and unlearn constantly like there's a reason he referred us like he referenced sheep when he's talking about us. Um, but like if we know his voice that we will continue to follow this voice regardless of like the dumb thing that we just did or the, the reality of like the emotions that we're feeling like.

Ultimately, like he is constantly just calling us home, like calling us to himself. And that is where there's rest, regardless of all the other emotions that are going on, like. I, I'm willing to like, in all my broken mess and my tear stained face, like look up at you. And if I can get myself there, if I can get my heart there, then, then there's going to be grace for the day, you know?

And so, um, I think that's all like, that's [01:27:00] kind of, that's where we're at with all things, all the things that he's asking us to hold and carry right now. Um, I'm just learning to like, stop making a list of like, The things that make sense and the things that I'm holding and the things that I'm dealing with and the things he's asking me to juggle and like, he already knows.

So like, just show up where you're at and get your eyes on him. Like, turn up, look in his face and, and let, let his hand be in all of the other things, but it's, I think it's very similar to Mary and Martha. We, we get caught up in dealing with all of the problems. And we're serving the Lord, we're, you know, we're, we're operating in the things that he's handed to us, but like, he's still ultimately just wants to set his feet like, and taking the time and being intentional to just get there and everything else will be as it should be, even if it is a storm, [01:28:00]

Kayla: you know, thank you for sharing all of that.

I really appreciate just your transparency and your heart and in the wisdom that you just spoke, like, and. the realness of it and the rawness of it. I really, I really appreciate that. Do you have any advice for moms or parents in general when it comes to anything? Fertility, pregnancy, motherhood, labor? I mean, anything we've talked about today, is there any advice you'd give to moms?

The

Annie: biggest, most practical advice is find a doula because she is there for you and It really did make a dramatic difference in my labor and delivery with both of my babies. And so find a doula regardless of what birth you're planning on, like even if you're planning on having an epidural, like, or being in a hospital, a birth [01:29:00] center at home, like whatever your birth plan is, I still think having a doula there is safe.

incredibly helpful because they are there for you and they have done it usually hundreds of times and so to have just the wisdom and the eyes to see what's going on and be a second piece of advice especially if you're like starting labor at home and you're just trying to figure it out first babies you don't know what's going on like So just having a doula was like the best thing on the practical side of things.

Even when I was like, wasn't a huge fan of the OB that I ended up with my second pregnancy. I had, I had my doula, so I actually still was very well taken care of. And I felt like there wasn't anything that was. Unknown or just like kind of out of out of left field at me because I had someone in my corner, um, truly in my corner for me specifically.

So that was super helpful. And [01:30:00] then, um, on the spiritual side of things, like, The Lord, um, plans life and whatever your story is going into birth. I think sometimes we can get caught up on our list of making the perfect list. Cause like my second labor and delivery, that was not what I was planning at all.

Um, but that like, His hand is in all things and there's something to be learned from it. And pregnancy and labor and delivery and motherhood is hard and holy work. And so get in touch with the one who designed it. And there will be like peace and grace for whatever comes of the process of labor and delivery, like as many notes and lists as we can make.

If we choose to stay in communion with the Lord, everything else will be able to happen. to be handled, um, even when it's hard and it's scary and painful, um, or peaceful and calm and [01:31:00]perfect, you know, um, his hand is in all things. So

Kayla: I love it. And gosh, I love what you said that motherhood and all of that is hard and holy work.

Okay. Well, this has been wonderful. I've absolutely loved this and I really appreciate you coming and sharing and well, I appreciate

Annie: the time and the opportunity.

Kayla: Thank you so much for listening to today's episode. You can reach me at Surrendered Birth Services on Instagram or email me at contact at surrenderedbirthservices.

com. Be sure not to miss an episode by hitting the follow button. Also, we'd love for you to leave a written review of the show so that more people's births and lives can be changed by the love of Jesus and the empowerment of accurate birth education. If you really enjoyed this episode in particular, please take a screenshot of it and post it to your [01:32:00] Instagram story tagging Surrendered Birth Services.

If you would like to be a guest on the Surrendered Birth Stories podcast, please click the link in the episode show notes to fill out your interest form. Also, if you're interested in taking my childbirth classes, birth consultations, or having me as your birth doula, Please click on the link in the show notes to take you to my website for online and in person options.

Just as a reminder, this show is not giving medical advice, so please continue to see your personal care provider as needs arise. We hope you have a great week and remember, learn all that you can, make the best plans. and then leave it in God's hands.

Was it intimidating for your husband to marry someone who had seven sisters?

Annie: Um, it definitely wasn't what he was expecting, but [01:33:00] um, I think his main goal was just trying to get past my dad and that he was

okay.