052 - Wielding Faith to Overcome Fear (with Natasha Davidson)

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SHOW NOTES:

Hindsight is always 20/20, and we are blessed that God allows us to learn things through our experiences to help make changes for the better next time. Even though there are some things that Natasha would choose to do differently in her next birth experience, God was right there with her through her entire journey and gave her the peace that comes with His presence. During pregnancy, labor, and postpartum, with the help of counseling and the Lord, she was able to combat her anxiety and fear with truth and trust. Listen today as Natasha shares her sweet story of her son’s birth. 

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TRANSCRIPT:

I work at a church, and so I had a volunteer that was going to handle some of my work while I was on maternity leave.

And I was talking to her, it was a Sunday night, I was talking to her, I was on the treadmill walking from my gestational diabetes, and we're on the phone, and I've got tons of energy, and I'm like, don't worry, Christine.

I'm like, I'm going to be there on Sunday, like a week from that day.

I was like, I'm going to be there.

You won't even have to, like, you want to take over anything.

And then she was like, okay, maybe, and then I went to the labor that night.

Hi, and welcome to another episode of Surrendered Birth Stories, Birth Stories, Birth Education, and the Pursuit of Surrendering It All to God.

Let's get started.

Hey, everyone.

Another late night here at the Heater household.

My big kids are leaving to go spend the week with their grandparents in Georgia tomorrow.

So just finishing up some last-minute laundry and packing.

And I had the pleasure of teaching a birth class tonight, the one that we're filming for our upcoming online course, actually.

So that was really fun.

That was our fourth week of that.

We've got one more week to go.

And got, you know, kids down, finished pumping.

And here we are.

Time to record the intro for this week.

So I hope your weeks are off to a great start.

I wanted to go ahead and read our review of the week.

We've been doing that here for a few weeks now.

Nick Nick Sip says, Addicted in the best way.

Finish the first three episodes in two days.

Can't wait for more.

Surrendered Birth Stories is so positive without sugarcoating the tough emotions and real challenges that come with birth and early motherhood.

Highly recommend.

Thank you.

And I think that was an earlier review from when we launched last year, which I'm so grateful for.

But it's never too late to write a review.

We're coming up on our one year anniversary, and we would love to get some more reviews for the show.

So if you could please leave a review, just scroll down.

It's really easy on Apple Podcasts.

You just scroll right down, and there's a thing for you to click right there.

It just says, leave a review.

So just click on that, and you can very quickly and simply type up a review.

And we would love it if you could do that.

It would get this show in front of more people, and then maybe I will read your review.

Speaking of our one year anniversary, that is coming up in two weeks, which is crazy.

It's just only two weeks away.

It would have been a whole year since we launched this podcast.

And as a part of that, we are doing a giveaway actually over on our Instagram page, which is called Surrendered Birth Services, not just Birth Stories, because we do offer, you know, child birth classes and birth tool services as well.

So it's the link is in our show notes for the Instagram page.

And be on the lookout because I will be launching that giveaway later this week.

So keep your eyes peeled, it's coming together.

We have a last few details we are organizing for that giveaway.

I'm super excited about it though.

I hope you guys will all enter and share it, and hopefully one of you will win.

Now let's get into this week's episode.

Hindsight is always 2020, and we are blessed that God allows us to learn things through our experiences to help make changes for the better next time.

Even though there are some things that Natasha would choose to do differently in her next birth experience, God was right there with her through her entire journey and gave her the peace that comes with his presence.

During pregnancy, labor, and postpartum, with the help of counseling and the Lord, she was able to combat her anxiety and fear with truth and trust.

Listen today as Natasha shares her sweet story of her son's birth.

welcome to another episode of Surrendered Birth Stories.

I am your host, Kayla Heater, and today I have Natasha with me.

So, Natasha, can you go ahead and introduce yourself?

Tell us a little bit about you and your family and your life so we can get to know you a little bit.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, my name is Natasha and I'm married to AJ.

We've been married for nine and a half years, and we have one son.

His name is Henry, and he just turned one in May.

And yeah, I'm just excited to be on here, honored to be on here.

Can't wait to share my story.

Well, great.

Well, let's get into it then.

So tell us a little bit about getting pregnant then.

Was that something that you guys had planned?

Was it something that just happened?

Tell us the story behind your pregnancy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I was sick for most of my 20s and didn't know if I was going to get better and be able to try to have kids.

So the Lord definitely was very faithful, and he healed my body in a lot of ways in my mind too.

And so we moved to North Carolina from Illinois because we wanted to try to have kids.

My husband's family had moved down here about eight years previous, and we knew that we'd probably need their support.

And so we moved down here and just kind of started our life over.

It was pretty crazy just moving across the country.

But yeah, moved down here, and then we had been here about a year, and then decided to start trying.

And yeah, I had one pregnancy that was like three months before I got pregnant with Henry and lost that baby really early.

I think it was technically called a chemical pregnancy, but I still consider it a loss.

And yeah, and that was really hard.

I had kind of anticipated at least having one miscarriage.

My mom and I are genetically similar in a lot of ways, and she had several miscarriages.

She had like six or eight miscarriages.

Yeah, and so that was something I was very familiar with, and so I had anticipated it, but also it was still just like really hard and devastating.

And but I felt like, I don't know, just like I needed to try to get pregnant again right away.

So we waited like I think like a month or two months, and then tried again and I got pregnant with Henry.

So the two times that I've tried to get pregnant, I've gotten pregnant, which has been a gift.

Yeah, when I found out I was pregnant with him, I was very excited and also just very nervous.

That that will be like a theme throughout most of my pregnancy story, as I had a lot of anxiety and was just like really afraid of losing him, honestly, just was really scared and excited and hopeful, but also just really scared.

So was there anything else during your pregnancy that made you nervous or anxious, or was it just the fact that you were thinking about the possibility of losing another baby?

Yeah, I had some kind of like weird pregnancy symptoms.

I had a cyst, I'm trying to think what it was called, a polyp.

I had a polyp on my cervix that would occasionally cause some like light bleeding.

And so that would always just kind of freaked me out a little.

And then I had a lot of pain.

I had like, my uterus was very sensitive.

So like I had Braxton Hicks starting at like 20 weeks and they were like really intense.

So I just had like some kind of weird pregnancy things that were like, I don't know, I think they maybe kind of perpetuated it.

But in my mind, a lot of it was just like a state of mind.

There was just like a lot of fear that was like consuming me.

So did you try and do anything to combat that fear throughout the pregnancy?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I had been in therapy kind of on and off through my 20s.

And so I got back into therapy.

I saw a counselor and it was great.

It was, I mean, I love counseling.

I feel like I'll probably be in counseling on and off most of my life.

But it was great to be able to process and for her to kind of like push back on some of those fears and just remind me that feeling isn't always reality.

And yeah, well, that's great.

Yeah.

So beyond your thoughts and your emotions and some of those weird symptoms you were having, were there any other highlights for your pregnancy?

Did it go pretty smoothly?

How did it go?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I was thankful.

I was pretty nauseous for about 20 weeks.

I can't remember exactly when it ended, but I didn't throw up at all, which is like a huge, I hate throwing up.

So I was so thankful.

But now it's like kind of funny.

I was like super gaggy.

Like anytime I opened the fridge, I would gag.

It was kind of funny now, but at times it was sucky.

And let's see.

The anatomy scan was a huge highlight for me.

We found out the gender at that scan.

So we found out that he was a boy.

And I don't know, it just like became real to me and getting to see all his fingers and his toes and even his spine.

I remember that just being so just amazing that my body was building this baby.

It was just so cool.

I was so proud of him already.

I was just like, my son, so excited.

Can't wait to meet you.

And up until that point, I feel like I was kind of disconnected and it just didn't feel real.

And then when I kind of got to see what he looked like and found out he was a boy, and yeah, it was just so fun.

That anatomy scan is always really fun.

Finding out the gender.

If you hadn't, I know some people start to find out the gender now like immediately, like right away.

Yeah.

It's like they find out they're pregnant and within a couple of weeks, they know what the gender is.

I know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Everybody kind of has a different way that's good for them.

This was perfect for us.

Yeah.

It was a gift for me.

It was like an answer to prayer in a lot of ways.

And yeah, it was just really cool.

So what did you do for care during your pregnancy?

Who did you go to?

Like what kind of care provider did you seek?

Yeah.

So I wanted to find a midwife.

I've always been a little crunchy.

And so I was like, I'd like to find someone that can support me in that and won't be like butting heads with me the whole time if there are certain things that I don't want to do during pregnancy, and especially during labor.

So I had several friends that had delivered through an office here and really like we were raving about the midwives.

And so I contacted them.

Actually, I had started with a different provider.

Actually, I'm remembering that now too.

I had started with a different provider.

And I don't know, I didn't feel like I connected with her.

She had kind of some responses in those first couple meetings with her that like I didn't feel like she maybe would be as sensitive to me as I needed during that season.

And so, yeah, so I switched.

It was like a group of three midwives.

And so it was like I rotated through them, but there was one that I connected with a lot and she was ended up being the one that delivered Henry.

So yeah.

It's wonderful.

Yeah.

So then going in to labor, then the end of your pregnancies, drawing near, how far along were you when you went into labor?

And what was that like?

Did you go into labor naturally?

Were you induced?

Tell us, tell us about that.

Yeah.

So I had every intention of going in to labor really late.

I assumed I'd probably be like past 40 weeks, 41 weeks.

I was like, I also found these midwives because I knew that they would let me go to 42 weeks.

They like would force me to get induced at 30 at 41.

If everything was okay.

And so I was like, okay, I'm probably going to go late.

Everybody goes late.

Their first pregnancy.

And then now looking back on like some of the interactions I had with my midwife, like at like my last appointment, I think she maybe knew that I was going to go into labor.

But I ended up going to labor five days early.

Yeah.

And so it was really funny to I, I work at a church and so I had a volunteer that was going to like handle some of my work while I was on maternity leave.

And I was talking to her.

It was a Sunday night.

I was talking to her.

I was on the treadmill.

And yeah, because I forgot to mention I had gestational diabetes too, which added like a whole other element.

But so I'm like on my treadmill walking for my gestational diabetes and we're on the phone and I've got tons of energy.

And I'm like, don't worry, Christine.

I'm like, I'm going to be there on Sunday, like a week from that day.

I was like, I'm going to be there.

You won't even have to like, you want to take over anything.

And then she was like, okay, maybe, and then I went to the labor that night.

So yeah, yeah.

And my water broke at 2 a.m.

I got up to pee and kind of like leaned over to grab some toilet paper.

And then it was crazy.

Water was just like gushing out of me.

And I was like, I don't think that's pee.

Yeah, when it gushes like that.

So you probably hadn't had any symptoms before that then.

No, my stomach was like kind of upset on that Sunday.

So I guess I went into labor early Monday morning.

So that Sunday, my stomach was kind of upset.

I was really hungry.

I had a lot of energy, like some of those kind of signs that people talk about, but I didn't know.

Like there was no contractions or anything.

My contractions started about two hours after my water broke.

Okay.

Well, that's good.

Yeah.

Because sometimes after, you know, if your water breaks first, it can take a really long time for contractions to start.

So that's great.

They started pretty soon after.

Yeah.

I was really thankful.

Were they like pretty close together when they started, or were they like spaced out early labor type stuff?

Yeah.

It was very typical early labor.

It was like 30 minutes or more apart.

Like I remember the first one starting.

So if I wouldn't, my water broke at two, and then I think it was around four.

I remember starting to feeling like kind of some cramping, like a more intense breast and hip kind of feel.

They didn't start getting really close until much later on that day.

So I tried to go back to bed after my water broke, and was trying not to wake my husband up because I'm like, my husband's going to need to sleep.

So I got like a puppy pad out because we have puppy pads.

So I got a puppy pad out and I put my like postpartum diaper on and I was like, I'm just going to go back to sleep on the couch, I guess.

And then I accidentally woke my husband up and he's like, is everything all right?

And I was like, well, yes.

And also my water just broke.

So then we were like wide awake and it was 2 a.m.

So did you end up staying up the rest of the night?

Pretty much.

Yeah, I think I maybe slept like another hour.

I ended up like getting out of bed at like 8 or 9 a.m.

And I think I maybe got like an hour to sleep that whole time since I was just nervous and excited.

And I just wish I would have slept.

And hopefully next time I'll be able to.

Yeah.

I say that about my first labor story too.

I wish I would have gone back to bed.

It's hard to do.

So you are starting to have contractions.

You're in early labor, your water's already broken, you're at home.

Did you have any kind of vision or plan for your birth?

Like, was there any certain type of birth that you wanted?

I assume you were birthing at the hospital.

Yeah.

So what did you want it to look like?

Yeah.

So my hope was that my labor would be, and delivery would be as natural as possible.

My goal was to not have any help with medical intervention.

And I was going to labor at that or deliver at the hospital.

We lived like 25 minutes from the closest hospital.

And my mom did home births.

And so I was like open to the idea.

But with it being my first and being far, I was like, I think I'm just going to labor and deliver at the hospital.

So my plan was to labor at home as long as possible, which I did.

I did do that.

So then how did the rest of that day go?

Yeah, so I got out of bed around 8 or 9, and because I had gone in to labor way earlier than I thought I was, I still had a little bit of work left to do, which I don't know if I probably wouldn't do this the same way I did.

But I had like three hours and I was like, okay, I'm going to wrap up my maternity leave plan, sign in my automated email replies, and wrap up a bunch of things.

And so yeah, I just like booked it for three hours.

I just sat on my laptop and just worked, worked, worked, worked, worked.

So my contractions obviously weren't that bad if I was working.

And maybe it was good because it gave me something for my mind to do.

I don't know.

But yeah, so I worked until noon and then I logged off.

And then my midwife wanted me to come in and have the non-stress test done, because my water had broke.

She just wanted to make sure baby was okay.

So that was around two that I came in for that.

And it was great.

The whole like labor process, I felt like the Lord's presence, like I feel like he was, he helped me be aware of his presence, the whole process.

And I just remember like sitting there and having the non-stress test and I'm like drinking cold water, so he'll move.

And I just remember feeling a lot of peace.

My midwife came in and was like, hey, how's it going?

And I'm like, I'm good.

You know, because contractions weren't that bad at that point.

Yeah, so he looked great.

Everything seemed good.

And so she gave me the option to either get checked into the hospital.

I did not want to be checked.

I purposely didn't have my cervix checked because I'd been listening to all these other birth podcasts before and they were talking about the mental game of labor.

And so I purposely didn't want to be checked because I didn't want to have the idea of it's going to take this many hours and have that interfere with my stamina.

And so I didn't want to be checked.

And she was like, that's totally fine.

She's like, do you want to get checked in?

I was like, no, I just want to go home.

So we went home and I labored.

Oh wait, I got food first.

My other goal was to eat as much as possible during labor because I didn't know once I got to the hospital how much they let me eat.

Right.

So, so it's like a Greek restaurant here called Mithos.

Oh yeah.

Wait, where do you live?

I live in Greensboro.

I live in Greensboro.

Really?

I wonder where you're at.

I knew you're in North Carolina, but I didn't know where you're at in North Carolina.

Well, you too.

I knew you were in North Carolina, but I didn't know where.

Yeah.

Well, look at that.

We're both in Greensboro.

Yeah.

We know all about Mithos Grill.

And those chicken kebabs, and there's salad with that dressing.

Oh, yeah.

The pita and the hummus and mm-hmm.

So good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So that was like, I was like, that's a pretty safe meal.

I was like, if I do end up getting sick in labor, it shouldn't be super traumatic if I do get sick with that meal.

And so, yeah, so we went to Mithos, and contractions were starting to get more intense.

I think it was like 4 p.m.

And so I was like in line, and I was at the counter, and the lady was like, are you doing okay?

And I was like, yeah, like, I'm good.

And she's like, when are you do?

And I was like, I'm actually in labor right now.

And she was like, oh my goodness.

And there was like a teenager behind the counter, and he's like, you're in labor right now?

And I was like, yeah.

He's like, that's the coolest thing I've ever heard.

It was so cute.

It was super sweet.

So that was one of the highlights of my labor process, was getting me those.

Because AJ was like, I could just go get it.

I was like, no, I'd rather stay in anyway.

So yeah, and it was a funny story, which was fun.

So yeah, so I ate my meat those.

It was delicious and drove home and then labored for another, it was like four hours at home.

And things were starting to get pretty intense.

My husband was like, we need to go to the hospital.

And I was like, just after the next contraction, just like, just let me get through this one and then we'll go during the next break.

Because I think I had like eight, I think it was like eight minutes maybe in between contractions at this point.

So I was like, I'll get in, you know, I'll get in the car during the next break.

And he just kept saying, come on, we got to get in the car, we got to get in the car.

And then I think it took me a good 30 minutes to an hour before he could convince me to get in the car.

Because I knew once I got in the car, I wouldn't be able to move.

I was like moving a ton during all my contractions.

And I was like, I'm going to be stuck in the car.

And I was also afraid once I get to the hospital, I'm like, this is real.

I'm actually having this baby.

So eight minutes is still pretty decent break in between them.

Did they get any closer together than that before you left?

I know for a while they were sporadic.

I was having four minutes and then an eight minute break.

And I'm trying to remember if that was before we got to the hospital, or if that was like during that time.

Yeah, I don't know, I'm remembering eight minutes, so I'm going to go with that.

Sounds good.

We'll just go with eight minutes.

Okay.

Yeah.

So then when you got to the hospital, now, did they require a cervical exam when you got there, or did they let it fly because your water was already broken?

Yeah, they let it fly.

I had given my midwife a birth plan before, and I had requested no checks unless I asked for them.

And she was great.

She was super willing to accommodate my birth plan and let me be as kind of crunchy and as natural as I wanted.

They also had the hospital, like, I'm trying to think, like, my check-in process was really quick.

Like, they had something already figured out on the back end that we, like, got there.

And, like, my check-in process was super quick.

And so I was able to get up to the room really quickly, and my midwife was already there.

And she was like, I thought you were coming, like, you know, a while ago.

And she was like, I couldn't get her in the car.

But things were intense at that point.

Again, I can't really remember how far I was.

Like, maybe it was, like, six minutes in between contractions.

But things were starting to get more intense.

And yeah, but they were good with the cervical checks.

They weren't, they weren't forcing me to get those, which was great.

So what was it like when you got up to the room then?

What time, I guess, did you get checked in and get up to the room?

Yeah, I think it was about 9 p.m.

at that point.

And they wanted me to have the, like, the IV port.

And I was like, I don't know if I want to do it.

And my husband and my wife are like, just do it, just in case, like, just in case you need it.

So they put it on my hand, but it was like the taped one, like I wasn't hooked up to anything.

Yeah, and I definitely, I would do that the same way again.

Next time, I was thankful that I had it.

And then they got the tub ready for me.

They gave me like a robe, but it was like super scratchy.

So they let me bring my own clothes.

So I was like in like a little black, like onesie thingy that was super comfy.

And yeah, I got in the tub and things were like pretty intense at that point.

I'm trying to remember, I guess I keep saying they were pretty intense.

From the time I got in the car, I was like moving forward, it felt intense.

You left home because they were pretty intense.

Yeah.

So I was in the tub for, it was at least an hour.

And I went from wherever I was, like into transition in the tub.

And so had like all the shakes and everything, and things were like a minute and a half apart.

And what time was that?

Do you remember?

It was around, I think it was 10 or 11.

Okay.

So not too long after you got there.

No.

Yeah, the tub was great.

I still like was moving a lot during my contractions.

And I think I was like starting to kind of wear myself out.

My midwife I think was sensitive to like, physically, I was just getting really tired.

And so she had me get out of the pool.

She wanted me to sit on the toilet for a little while to try to help move him down.

And so I just remember like standing up out of the tub and being like, I felt like the coldest I had ever been in my entire life.

I was just like shaking.

I was shivering so bad.

I was just like, oh my goodness, this is horrible.

And my midwife was so sweet.

I don't know if I was doing something with my arms, but she like gave me a hug.

It was so sweet.

Yeah, so they like wrapped me in a towel, got me over to the toilet and then my temperature was like all over the place.

It was like I was hot, I was cold, I was hot, I was cold.

And I hated being on the toilet.

The toilet was not my favorite thing.

I know that it was necessary, but I did not like it.

The contractions were really interesting to me.

I know that everyone experiences them differently.

To me, they felt like really, really bad period cramps and just like a lot of like pelvic floor pressure.

And that was like made worse by sitting on the toilet, which I know was like, it was probably productive.

But I'll be, yeah, I'll just be interested to see if the Lord brings another child like how I'll handle those things differently.

Like if I'll view the pain is more productive, I feel like I was still trying to escape the pain a little bit.

And yeah, I just wonder if I'll be able to kind of view it differently next time.

So I mean, those toilet contractions, I know they're, they're efficient is what I call them.

They're efficient contractions.

You're doing a lot of work in a short amount of time.

So once you got off of there and you know, the hot cold that is all telltale signs of transition, and your hormones and everything going crazy, causing temperature swings and stuff too.

So, okay.

So then, then what happened next?

So they had me doing a couple of different positions.

They had me on the toilet, then they had me on the bed.

They had like the peanut ball kind of like under my legs.

And it was like things would feel okay for a couple of minutes.

It was probably longer than that.

I remember most of them being several contractions.

And, and then I'd be like, okay, I've got to move it.

So they'd move me somewhere else.

And they knew I was probably close.

I knew I was probably close and my husband was so sweet.

He had like watched all the birth training videos and everything with me.

And he was like, she's in transition.

Good job, honey.

Oh yeah.

And I want to highlight him too.

He was incredible.

My entire labor, he was just like there to support me.

He was like feeding me drinks.

I had this, this drink that I had found that like, I'm trying to think what it was swing with.

It was like stevia or something.

And so I was able to drink it with the gestational diabetes.

And anytime I take a sip of it during my labor, it was just like the best thing I'd ever tasted.

It was like sweet and cold.

And it was just, it was a gift.

So yeah, so my husband was just like wonderful.

And he knew I was in transition.

And the midwife was, my midwife was like, hey, would it be okay if I check to you?

Like, I think you're pretty close.

And I was like, yep, that's fine.

If you check me, just don't tell me.

Like, I don't want to know.

And so she checked me.

And then I didn't know this in the minute, but she and my husband and my doula told me later that she like leaned over to them and was like, she's nine and a half centimeters.

Wait, you had a doula there too?

I did.

I forgot to mention her.

So yeah, she showed up.

So, oh yeah.

And there's other things I forgot.

Well, just tell me now.

Tell us now.

Okay.

So yeah, so I had a doula lined up and in a lactation consultant, they were like a team.

And so she was in my small group at my church, and we had small group that Monday night.

So obviously we weren't there because we were in labor.

But she was there and she had been texting my husband and my midwife and was like, hey, do I need to come?

Do I need to come?

They're like, no, no, you got time, you got time.

And then something happened somewhere in there where like phone service stopped working or something.

And so she didn't end up showing up until transition.

And so yeah, so I forgot to mention that because I don't, I don't even really, I kind of remember when she got there.

I was on the toilet, so it wasn't a good moment.

It wasn't a good moment.

Yeah.

And that, that car ride that I had had from home to the hospital, everyone that was in that community group had prayed for me and had recorded their prayers and sent it to me.

And it was just, yeah, it was a huge gift and like, just like the Lord being so kind to me, because I was so, I was like feeling very scared and was feeling like, okay, this is real now, and I got to push this baby out of my body, and it's really intimidating.

And it was just people, my friends praying for me.

And so I just like cried in the car, knowing that my friends were praying for me and that the Lord loved me and cared about me.

So it was just, yeah, it was really beautiful.

So, yeah.

So now you are at the end of labor, and your doula and your midwife and your husband are all there, and they all know that you're almost there.

Yeah.

So this is where things like went, not how I had hoped, but they were still good.

My, the way that my midwife and my doula explained it to me later was that, like, I was tired and I was, I was pushing because I could tell that he wasn't, like, down far enough.

Like, I don't, I don't, I didn't know what it was supposed to feel like, but I knew that it wasn't what it was, like what it needed to be yet.

So, like, I could tell he was too high in my pelvis.

And so I was trying to push to, like, push him down.

And my midwife was a little concerned about that because I guess if you push too early, like, it can hurt your cervix.

So she was trying to help my cervix open.

And in hindsight, I would not have, I would just ask her not to do that because it, like, made the contractions way worse.

And did she try and push the lip behind his head?

Yes.

Yes.

Been there.

It does not make it feel better, that's for sure.

No, it was pretty horrible.

So, yeah, I know she was trying to help, and that was like her method of trying to help me at the time.

But I probably would ask for her not to do that again.

And yeah, so she was trying to help me.

And then she said that I was like pulling him back into my body, like because of how tired I was too.

There was something with that.

So they had checked me, she was doing that.

And I think I said to her, I can tell he's not down far enough.

And then she said, let's try to get you, like I was like, I think I need more gravity, like helping me.

And so they had like pulled the like things on the side of the bed.

Yes.

Yeah.

And I like, I was on the bed and I looked up at it and I was like, I don't think I can do that.

Like just physically, I was so tired.

And she's like, okay.

She's like, let's get on the toilet.

And I was like, I don't think I can do that either.

And so she said, hey, you're getting kind of tired and your contractions aren't as strong as I'd like them to be able to push him out.

And I was like, okay.

And then she was like, I'd like to start some pitocin to get the contractions stronger.

And I was like, yeah, I'm not doing that without an epidural.

So again, in hindsight, I think I would have tried to wait.

It's interesting when I talk to my doula now, because her and I are friends, she's like, you probably still would have had another three hours of labor based on what they were telling with the signs of my body.

I don't know.

I think in hindsight, I would have said, let's wait 15 minutes, or maybe in my mind, I would have said five minutes and then I would have asked for another five.

I don't know.

But I was desperate at that point.

The contractions were very painful.

I was tired of moving.

I was tired, but the Lord was still kind.

I still felt so much peace in this whole process.

I felt peace having that epidural.

I felt peace getting pitocin.

My husband was in support of it because he could tell I was in a lot of pain and was like, yep, let's just do it.

So it was crazy.

As soon as I said that, things moved so fast.

They were bringing all these people in.

I was like, the contractions between the epidural and when I said I wanted the epidural, were like the worst ones I had had because I knew relief was coming.

And so yeah, they're like, hey, you got to stay as still as possible.

And there was this nurse in front of me.

They had me sit on the bed and they had my doula.

And my husband leave and there's this nurse that was sitting in front of me.

And I never looked at her in the face.

I don't know what she looked like.

I just remember feeling her hands like maybe on my knees.

And I just breathed in her face just over and over again.

There's these huge heavy breaths.

And was like, I have, I just am at my wits end here.

And then just had a lot of pain and I can't look at you in the eyes.

So they like walked me through everything with hip withdrawal.

Everything was super quick.

They're like, you're going to feel a little pain here.

And I was like, this is, I'm not worried about it at all.

So they did the spray and then the needle and everything.

And then relief.

Like I remember that neck contraction being really bad.

I remember kind of like whimpering and being like, is this going to be over soon?

My midwife was like, super soon.

Like it's going to set in really quick.

And by that next contraction, things had already slowed down.

And then by that third one, it had kicked in.

So yeah, the sense of relief was huge.

I almost wish that the relief hadn't been as much because I couldn't feel the bottom half of my body at all.

I had had friends that had had like walking epidurals.

And I had that in my birth plan, but I don't, I don't know if it got missed or maybe I didn't advocate for it.

It was just how my body responded, but I could not feel the bottom half of my body at all.

And I didn't, I didn't like that.

That was really unnerving to me.

I guess that's like the best way to describe it.

Like feeling like I could feel the top half, but not the bottom half.

Yeah.

But my husband came back in.

He was very relieved to see that I was not in excruciating pain.

And they said, you're going to, we're going to have you labor down for like maybe an hour.

And then we'll come back and see, you know, if he's moved down farther, if you've progressed and then, you know, we'll think we'll start pushing and he'll be out.

So in this process, another thing that I would have done differently, I asked to not have a catheter put in when I had the epidural, because I have had troubles with UTIs.

And so I was like, I'm going to try to avoid that if I can.

And my midwife was like, it'll be a couple of hours, you'll be totally fine.

And in hindsight, if I got an epidural, I would just get a catheter because of what my pushing experience was like.

And yeah.

So then were you able to rest then once you had the epidural?

Did you just take a nap?

Somewhat.

I had a really hard time sleeping.

I felt very jittery and kind of shaky and kind of hard to breathe, which I'm assuming with either the epidural or the pitocin.

I'm not sure which, but I honestly didn't sleep that well.

That would have been great if I could have done that.

My husband and my doula and my midwife, they all slept.

So I was very thankful that they got to sleep, but I was kind of bummed that I didn't get to.

And then they kept coming in to check, and he just wasn't moving down as fast as they had anticipated.

So I was awake.

One of my nurses came to check on me, and I was like, hey, I'm totally awake.

And my husband and my doula had woken back up at that point.

And the nurse was like, hey, do you want to start pushing?

See if we can get down farther before the midwife comes.

And I was like, yeah, sure.

Were you Kimpley?

Yeah, I was.

I was 10 centimeters at that point.

Again, in hindsight, yeah, I wouldn't probably have started pushing because I think I pushed for like an hour before the midwife got here, and just it was not like productive pushing.

They were having problems getting the monitor that monitors your contractions.

They were having a hard time keeping it in place.

And so I think that my pushing just wasn't as productive.

So midwife came in and she was incredible.

Like the energy in the room just totally changed.

Like when I was pushing with the nurse, I could tell like people were getting discouraged that I wasn't like able to get him down.

And then I was getting discouraged and it was like 3 a.m.

I was just exhausted and discouraged.

And my midwife came in, it was like the air in the room just totally changed.

She was like energy, like, hey, let's go.

And I felt more empowered.

And I forgot to mention this in the beginning too, but I'm into homeopathy.

So I was using remedies throughout my labor.

And I don't really remember up until this point, like asking for them.

I know that my husband had given me a couple.

I had like written out this, I had like this whole handbook of like, give me this remedy.

If I do like this, then if we're having this trouble, give me this remedy because I knew I wasn't going to be able to handle it.

And so I remember asking for a remedy to for contractions or like pushing not being productive and positioning not being right or something like that.

So he found me a couple of remedies and I had pushed for, it was at least another half an hour, maybe 45 minutes and he still wasn't down far enough.

I was feeling very discouraged.

I was like, I really don't want to have a c-section after laboring all this way.

And yeah, I just had really been had hoping not to have to do that.

And so I just asked my husband, I was like, please pray that I can get him out.

I asked my doula for that too.

And I felt very alone in that moment because it was 4 a.m.

And I had my community group that was praying for me.

And I had another text group that we were updating, and that was praying for me.

And those were ladies kind of all over the country, people that I've connected with at different churches.

And I just knew I couldn't text any of them.

And so I was really discouraged.

I was like, who's going to pray for me?

But I was praying and yeah, I was just like, Lord, please, please help me be able to push him out.

And they're having me push in all these different positions, like my legs in different ways, using the peanut ball and like bedsheets and a couple of different things.

So eventually, I had this thought, because I remember hearing that if your bladder is full, it can prevent your baby from being able to come out.

And that was why they wanted me to have a catheter in the first place.

So I was like, hey, do you think that I can't get him out because my bladder is full?

And my midwife is like, oh, yeah, yeah, that's probably it.

And so they drained my bladder.

They said it was a lot of pee, which I heard later, I guess, like two years supposed to get a catheter because I guess your bladder can burst.

Anyways, could have been a nightmare, but it wasn't.

They drained my bladder and then I pushed him on less than 10 minutes.

And so he moved right down after that.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

So my midwife said something like, she kind of made a comment to her nurse team.

She was like, well, I'm glad the patient was thinking.

That was the Lord.

Yeah.

So yeah, anyways, it's just so interesting even to verbalize it again and just see where like, I don't know, we're just like flawed people.

Your medical team is not perfect.

They're like humans that are doing the best they can.

And but like, God was just so good.

And yeah, so then he came out and he didn't cry a lot.

And I was kind of nervous because I didn't hear him cry.

And I was like, is he OK?

And they were like rubbing him and patting him.

And he kind of like gave like a little cry.

And they're like, oh, yeah, he's great.

He's just super chill.

And that is my son.

He is just very chill.

He is still like that.

He's incredibly chill and flexible and just like a happy baby generally, so much so that like when he has like a day where he's kind of like whiny or he cries more, it's like very out of character for him.

So what a blessing.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

He's a huge gift.

He's a gift, especially like the contrast of like my pregnancy with me just being like so anxious and so fearful and just like, yeah, just like doubting the Lord a lot through that whole pregnancy and then just having him be so faithful through that labor and then having him.

And he's just, yeah, he's just such a gift.

I just can't even, I can't imagine life without him.

And yeah, so many of the fears that I had, I was really afraid during my pregnancy too, that I was going to be like, have like a really, really hard postpartum, that I would have like a lot of anxiety and depression because of my mental health history and was afraid that I wouldn't want to take care of him or like was going to be neglectful.

And I know that's like related to postpartum depression.

And I just was so afraid of that.

And yeah, he was just like, I just loved him.

Like, I'm just like, I just want to nurse you and snuggle you.

And I was so thankful.

So, so then nursing and postpartum went well.

Yeah, they went well.

They were they were hard to in their own ways.

But I was just so thankful that he was here and he was healthy.

And I loved getting to nurse him and snuggle him and like the little baby sounds.

Oh, my goodness.

I had no idea they would melt my heart.

No idea.

Because when you hear someone else's baby, you're like, I mean, it's cute, but it's like kind of weird, you know, when it's when it's your baby, it's just, oh my goodness, so special.

So yeah, so that part of it was wonderful.

He's not a great sleeper.

He has not been a great sleeper up until the last couple of weeks.

So we didn't sleep really great for like a good year.

But that was like, especially I mean, it's kind of normal for the postpartum phase, like those first handful of weeks.

But sleep was pretty rough.

And then I weirdly had an oversupply of milk.

I know that that's not as common.

I Googled it, I guess it's like 8% of people or something like that.

And so I got mastitis several times because he couldn't drain to empty.

And then you have the inflammation cycle.

And yeah, but I'm super thankful.

I worked with my lactation consultant and kind of got me through some of those rough breastfeeding times.

I had a lot of nipple pain, kind of weird, like shooting side pains.

I don't even know.

It was interesting.

But yeah.

Did the mastitis go away after like, like you got everything regulated and figured out?

Yeah, like you don't still struggle with mastitis.

No, I'll still have like engorgement, which is, I mean, crazy.

Like I, I don't even like know when I've talked to his had engorgement a year later.

So yeah, so I still have that.

My, my breasts do not like being pumped at all.

So that was, that's kind of been an interesting thing to manage being back at work.

I just made it work.

So it, thankfully, yeah, I pumped in and he had enough.

But yeah, there's just been some hiccups that have been kind of, kind of funky.

So I just stay on top of like, I just kind of know like how to nurse him or how to pump in a way that.

And that fixes it.

Yeah.

Well, good.

That's good that you're able to do that.

Yeah.

I know some other people, a few, not, not many with an oversupply, but I think they do respond pretty well to a pump.

So they end up just giving away all their extra milk.

Yes.

I would have loved that.

I think that I maybe will next time try to use the Hakka.

To catch.

Yeah.

To catch extra because I ended up having to stop pumping.

Like normally people will like pump early to like start because the supplies heavier at the beginning.

And so they'll pump to like start stacking up milk.

And I had to stop pumping because I needed to tell my body to not produce any more milk.

So it was like any more stimulation was like a no.

So I think I'll try to use the Hakka next time to collect.

And yeah, I'm kind of hoping that my son will still be nursing.

That's like my secret hope is that he'll still be nursing when I have my next kid.

So that if I have that issue, like because now he can like empty me no problem because his mouth is bigger.

And it's just when they're so little.

Well, you have one in the next few years.

I'm sure he could still help out.

Yeah, that's my hope.

So what do you feel like the Lord taught you through this experience?

What do you feel like he showed you or told you through it all?

Yeah, I feel like he definitely showed me just like how good he is and how kind he is.

I feel like he, I'm trying to think how to word this.

My doubts aren't bigger than his goodness and his kindness to me.

I think in seasons, I've had a harder time thinking like, oh, if I'm doubting or if I'm fearful, like that he's going to withhold good gifts from me, like more conditional love.

And just seeing that, like that whole, my whole pregnancy of being so fearful and doubting, and thinking that like, oh, this has to be the end result because of like, you know, my kid will be, I don't know, colicky or, you know, like I was just like trying to like project and like think of like what the future is going to be like because of how afraid I am right now.

And yeah, he was just like, nope, he's bigger than that.

And so he was just so so faithful and so kind and yeah, just so much bigger than than my doubts.

I love that.

Do you have any advice for moms, first time moms or moms who already have one?

What would you tell them?

Yeah, I think that I would encourage anyone to just kind of take things as they come.

It can be really easy to try to figure out the future, probably like good parts of the future or bad parts if you're anxiety prone like I can be.

And just know that like pregnancy can be really scary.

I know not everyone has that experience, but if you are experiencing that or have experienced that, just know that that's normal, that it's like a very vulnerable time.

And just to have like a lot of grace for yourself, I think when we like heap shame on ourselves for how we're feeling, it can just make things even worse.

So yeah, just have a lot of grace on yourself and take care, take care of yourself and your body.

And if you need to go to counseling, go to counseling and talk to your friends, that community group that prayed for me during my labor.

They were supporting me through my whole pregnancy.

Most weeks I was coming in and just talking about how scared I was, and they just encouraged me and prayed for me.

And yeah, so if it's possible for you to find a good community that can support you, I think that's life-changing.

Yeah, just a reminder that your body's doing a lot of work too.

For me, the word build, like my body builds a baby.

That's incredible.

It's just our bodies are just amazing.

But it's a lot of work even though mentally I wasn't thinking about it, just like I could feel how exhausting it was in being tired.

And yeah, just mentally I like cried like, probably on average, like three times a week when I was pregnant.

I had this giant tissue box at work that my coworkers, my one coworker was like, where did you get that box?

That has to be from costco, right?

Well, if it makes you feel any better.

And it's like you said a couple of things that I was like, oh yeah, me too, me too.

The only times I've been to counseling have been during pregnancy.

And I cry when I'm pregnant.

Like, I mean, it takes almost nothing to make me cry when I'm pregnant.

When I'm not pregnant, I'm like super even keeled.

But like when I'm pregnant, I'm like, you'll know I'm pregnant if I'm crying.

It's so true.

And of course, you know, super early postpartum, I'm like that too.

But once everything balances out, I'm kind of like back to my normal non-crying self.

Yes.

Yeah.

I remember, I don't know if you had this, but I had intense brain fog.

Well, I had a lot of brain fog during my pregnancy.

But then like postpartum, I was in this weird brain fog until like 10 weeks.

And it was like weird.

I remember the day that it lifted.

And it was just like all of a sudden, I felt like I like this cloud had lifted.

It was so strange.

So well, I usually do.

I just call the first three months the fog.

Yeah, because I think between nursing and not sleeping and your body healing and things trying to like re situate and figure out life now, it's like it is, I call it the fog and it's good.

Yeah.

The first three months for sure.

Definitely.

Yeah.

They were like better than I could have imagined.

And yet looking back in some ways, I think they were harder than I can even really remember.

Oh, yeah.

It's the most bittersweet time.

It's like the most precious, bleeding, like they're changing so quickly and they're growing so fast.

And but at the same time, it's like you're more tired than you've ever been.

And your body is hurting and healing and it's just, yeah, it's a very bittersweet time.

It is, yeah.

Well, thank you so much for sharing your story today.

Yeah, thank you so much for having me and asking me questions and allowing me to share.

Yeah, of course.

Thanks again for joining us today.

You can reach me at Surrendered Birth Services on Instagram or email me at contact at surrenderedbirthservices.com.

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