063 - Love, Loss, and Lessons Learned (with Elleah Meyer)

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SHOW NOTES:

Researching and learning all you can about birth years before you’ll be going through it can be extremely beneficial in gaining knowledge and being prepared. Trying to control everything, however, will only bring you stress and anxiety. Elleah shares her three pregnancy stories with us today, her first in the hospital, her second a devastating miscarriage, and her third planned birth center birth, but ended up having that baby….somewhere else! Trusting God must be at the center of our births in order to have peace, and letting go and surrendering to the process is what God was teaching Elleah to do, especially in this last delivery. 

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TRANSCRIPT:

I had like, my hands down there, I could feel her head coming.

And we talked about like, I wanted to catch, if that worked out, if not, then like maybe, if he wanted to catch.

And so my hands were down there, feeling her crown, and then, you know, then she actually is born and you're bracing, and he was not ready to catch.

So she just landed on that nice soft comforter that I had in the van.

And then he just like passed her through my legs.

Hi, I'm Kayla Heater, follower of Jesus, wife and mother of five children, Christian childbirth educator in Doula, and your host of the Surrendered Birth Stories podcast, where we share God-centered birth stories, evidence-based birth education, and our pursuit of surrendering our birth plans to God.

Let's get started.

Hey, everyone.

Hope your week is off to a great start.

I'm recording this a little bit early.

We just had Halloween yesterday, which has always been a really fun, nostalgic, childlike holiday for me.

Let me just say, I know this is a Christian Jesus-centered podcast.

I'm not here to debate whether or not Christians should celebrate Halloween.

I know people feel very strongly on both ends of the spectrum, and I completely understand and respect everyone's opinions and convictions and all of those things.

Personally, for our family, we grew up dressing up and trick-or-treating and doing fun Halloween parties with carnival games and face painting and all the different things.

And it's always just been just really nostalgic for me.

My mamaw, who is my mom's mom, she passed away about 13 years ago, give or take, but she was always a really good potter.

She made all sorts of pottery, and she made super detailed extravagant decorations, which was really cool.

So she made this like haunted house, and this black cat, and like a spooky tree, and all these things where she made them herself, crafted them with her hands, designed the details, painted them.

She made them, multiple copies of them for all of her children.

And then those got passed on to grandchildren.

So I now have these Halloween decorations that my mamaw made like 40 some years ago, that are still in my house, that I just have the best memories of when I was a kid.

You know, they would get brought out, and I'm like, oh my gosh, it's, you know, it's exciting.

It's getting time, you know, there were like lights inside of them that would light up.

And it was just always so fun for me and always so exciting for me.

And I mean, as a kid, I mean, you get to dress up and have fun.

And we grew up in Ohio, so it was colder, but we would go trick or treating in our houses and our neighborhood was super close together.

And it was like every single house participated.

It was not optional.

It was like every house.

You got to stopping at candy.

I mean, we would fill up pillowcases that were so heavy of all this candy and it just was always just such fun for us.

Like it was just like this super lighthearted, fun time carving jack-o'-lanterns and eating pumpkin seeds and all the things.

It's really fun.

And so that's just kind of how we've done it with our kids.

And, you know, we carved jack-o'-lanterns and we eat the pumpkin seeds and we dress up and we decorate.

But we don't do like the gore and the death and the evil and all that kind of stuff.

Like we steer away from all that.

We keep it light and childlike and fun.

And it's really fun just to have my metal decorations up around our house.

That just reminds me of when I was a kid and now they're like my kids favorite decorations too.

But we did go trick or treating last night.

And I just have to say my son Milo, he's my oldest son, my second born.

Him and I, that was my favorite costume maybe we've ever done.

If we saw it, I think my sister sent it to me or something.

We saw it on like maybe a real or a meme or something.

I don't know.

But it was super simple.

We were stick people.

Okay.

So it was so, you know, like how you would draw like a stick person, like if you're not a very good drawer, but you can draw a stick person, right?

Circle and some lines.

Well, we were stick people.

So we dressed in all black so that we would be like dark.

Okay.

So we had like just all black clothes.

And then we got glow sticks from the dollar store.

Okay.

So they're like a dollar.

We got glow sticks and taped them with packing, clear packing tape to our bodies in the shape of a stick person.

And then when we were like walking down the street in the darkness for Halloween, not only were we lit up, but we looked like a stick person glowing like walking in the street.

It looks so cool.

It was really fun.

And we kept trying to take like a really good picture of it.

But you know the iPhones and they'll like naturally lighten it so you can see everything.

We were like, stop, just take like a dark picture.

I know we couldn't figure it out, but we took some videos, some little videos.

So it was, I don't know, I just thought it looks so cool and so funny.

It was, it was really fun.

So we did that.

So however you guys celebrated or didn't celebrate or whatever you do, I hope you had a great time just with your families.

Now it's November.

We're heading into Thanksgiving season, which is super fun.

That's my husband's favorite holiday.

So just excited to continue enjoying this beautiful fall weather and the colors on the leaves as, as long as they'll stay before they all fall off.

Okay, let's do a review.

We haven't read a review in a few weeks.

And so if you are new to the show or if you've never left a review before, I know a lot of you haven't just because I know the number of reviews we have versus the number of listeners we have.

So if you haven't, it really, really, really would mean a lot to me and my husband.

If you would just take the 30 seconds it takes to leave a written review, you just scroll down to the bottom of our podcast show page, and you can click, write a review, and you just type it in real quick and simple and bam, that's it.

But it means a lot to us and it really helps the show get in front of other people so that they can see it too.

Because most people don't know this show exists, so we're just still trying to get the word out.

All right.

This review comes from S Dorothy.

She says, Although I am way past the childbearing years, I have really enjoyed the birth stories of young women and their experiences.

Their strength and faith is revealed in each of their births.

It makes me wish I could go back and put God more in the center of each one of my three births.

I think I was too centered on myself, even though I was immensely grateful to him for each one.

Thank you, Kayla, in sharing your effort and time spent enlightening the birth process to other women who are considering or are in the middle of birthing a child.

Lots of valuable information in your podcasts.

Thank you.

Thank you for leaving that.

And that is so encouraging to me that it's not just women in their childbearing years who are listening to this, that we have other women listening to this, too, who maybe are past that point or are grandmothers at this point.

And that is exciting to me knowing that we're, you know, inspiring and affecting the generations because even though you might be past that point, you could pass this information along or this podcast along to somebody that you know is in that stage of life.

So I'm just grateful for that.

Thank you for leaving that review.

And again, if y'all could leave a review, if you haven't yet, that would be so, so helpful.

Okay, let's get in to this week's episode.

Researching and learning all you can about birth years before you'll be going through it can be extremely beneficial in gaining knowledge and being prepared.

Trying to control everything, however, will only bring you stress and anxiety.

Elleah shares her three pregnancy stories with us today.

Her first in the hospital, her second, a devastating miscarriage, and her third planned birth center birth, but ended up having that baby somewhere else.

Trusting God must be at the center of our births in order to have peace, and letting go and surrendering to the process is what God was teaching Elleah to do, especially in this last delivery.

Welcome to another episode of Surrendered Birth Stories.

I am your host, Kayla Heater, and I have Elleah with me today.

Elleah, why don't you introduce yourself?

Tell us about who you are, what your life looks like.

Just let us get to know you.

Yep.

I live in Small Town, Ohio.

Very small church-oriented town.

Great place to raise kids.

I'm married.

I've been married for about five years.

And we have two daughters and a dog.

I'm a nurse.

I worked as a nurse in a couple of different areas, just like general med search.

I dabbled in labor and delivery, so probably for like six or seven months before it kind of got too much there as far as like I had unmanaged anxiety.

I was working night shifts, and it's a lot of legality.

And so it's very stressful.

And right now I'm just mostly staying at home with the girls.

And I work some just cataract surgery center, super low stress job.

And I went and got doula training back in March, last March, so over a year ago.

That's kind of in the works.

Like once our family kind of gets settled in.

And yeah, we'll be hoping to do some dueling.

Oh, that's really fun.

Okay, let's talk about your journey then, your journey into motherhood and how you came to have your two girls and all of that.

So take us back to your very first pregnancy.

Yeah.

So well, originally, we just decided to like maybe we wanted to be married for about a year, you know, just to get settled into married life and then start trying.

And I knew I had irregular cycles.

I have two sisters who are about eight and ten years older, and they both struggled a lot with fertility.

And one has only one child and only ever one pregnancy, and years and years of trying, and the other one had multiple, multiple miscarriages.

So I was very anxious to make sure everything worked and like what it was going to look like for me.

And I just always did a lot of learning.

I think even fresh out of college, I was like not even dating, but I was looking for, you know, healthcare providers and stuff like that in the area who specialize in natural fertility.

And so just a lot of awareness.

And we did natural family planning.

So I was able to, I did like the symptom thermal method.

I got to see like when I ovulated, my cycles were like usually like 38 to 42 days long.

Just a longer cycle.

Yeah.

Yeah, longer cycle.

I had like just signs of like low progesterone, you know, my own medical diagnosis.

But so we finally like we went ahead to start trying.

I was all over, you know, the charting and all the things that I should be doing.

And I think I did LH strips to like confirm ovulation.

And I was just very entwined with it.

And like I said, I struggle with anxiety.

And so it wasn't like a great, enjoyable time.

Yeah.

And then the nervousness of like what it would look like for me compared to my sisters.

So it was probably like six months, and I didn't have any luck.

And I actually found a NatPro doctor.

They do like a different type of method.

I don't know if you've ever heard of the Creighton method of natural family planning.

It's a more in-depth like method of tracking, like your cervical mucus.

Like it's got a lot more like details to it.

And the idea is like doing that method and getting with a Creighton certified doctor, they're able to look at your chart and diagnose you with your chart and your, you know, and labs and stuff.

So they just have a bigger picture.

No, you know what?

Somebody did.

It's like my mind is going back, and I'm like, wait a second.

In the last like 60 birth stories I've recorded, somebody did talk about that.

And now I can't remember who it was, but somebody did.

Man, and I feel bad for not remembering.

Somebody did tell me about that because it was like they said they were doing that.

And then they found out they were pregnant, like I think maybe like the first month.

I feel bad for not remembering, but whoever you are, I'm sorry.

And it's on the podcast somewhere.

So go back and, so somebody tell me, who was that?

Somebody tell me who that was.

Okay, but yes, now that you say that, I'm like, yes, I do know a little bit about that.

But keep, I mean, you can keep explaining it and talking about it.

Yeah, it's, I mean, it's a, you're supposed to get with the teacher to do it correctly.

And I was just kind of impatient.

And it's not, it's not as easy to find someone in your area, or I think, you know, you could probably do it online.

And I was kind of lucky to find a doctor so close to me who would accept that kind of charting.

But yeah, it's just, they just have the ability, because it's such an in-depth, I mean, there's so many levels of mucus that it's like you're charting on, and very detailed, and that they can tell you more information about it.

So I met with this doctor when I was like, after like six months-ish of trying.

And, but anyways, she was so lovely.

She was like, you know what?

Like, I need two months of this charting, and like you can come back in two months and bring me that chart, and we'll look at that together.

But until then, you know, we'll get some lab work done.

We'll do an ultrasound, you know, we'll tell insurance that it's been a year of trying.

And because there's that rule.

Cover it.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

And so that was just really nice.

I've heard and have to like, you know, fight for anything.

Or it's just like, yeah, it worked out really well.

And actually, I got to my second month of the charting and I got pregnant.

So I didn't go through meeting with her after both of those.

So maybe it's something about the Creighton method that gets you pregnant.

That gets you pregnant right away.

Yeah.

So that was that.

But I also, so I found out I was pregnant and I always take my pregnancy tests by myself.

You know, Joel was at work.

And my initial reaction was actually like a lot of fear and I'm overwhelmed and I just, I think I felt like a little bit unworthy.

Why?

I think I had like this thought in my head that I was like needing to be like, I needed to eat all the things right.

I needed to like do everything right.

Not drink, you know, alcohol or anything like in your, while you're trying to get, but like everything to give me the best chances of a healthy baby.

And so like I already felt like I failed because I just kind of like, I was emotional roller coaster when we were trying.

So I think actually during that time too, somewhere in there, I was very low point and finally made the decision to get on medication for depression and anxiety.

And that helped immensely with the roller coaster of emotions.

And so my initial feeling, I was just like, yeah, there's crying and I'm not sure what it, you know, it was just-

Where the tears were coming from.

Yeah.

And then I was in shock.

And I have my poor husband.

He's also not the first one to know when I'm pregnant.

It's always my friends or my close friend.

And because I have to wait, you know, a whole day of work for him to come home.

So somebody else finds out first.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got to share that with him.

We were very excited and I was very on top of what, you know, hoping and praying that I wouldn't miscarry.

I got right into the doctor's office and I requested to get my labs drawn, the HCG and progesterone, to see that they were rising and they were totally fine with me doing that.

I've got my progesterone, my second progesterone back, I think Thanksgiving.

It was like the holiday.

So they weren't in the office when I received my results and it was low.

And so I was panicked.

The story of this pregnancy is going to be that I was like trying to control everything.

Yeah, sounds like it.

All the details.

Yes.

Yes.

And I actually had a friend who was on progesterone with her pregnancy.

And so she sent me her leftovers, which is not recommended by any medical professional.

But I was very grateful and I started those.

And then that get like, I mean, it was like four days before I could hear from the office.

And then everything looked good and they prescribed me progesterone.

And I stayed on that for my first trimester.

Was it like injections?

It was vaginal suppositories.

I think basically you could take either or, but studies show that they're more effective.

Effectively.

That was like the build up to my very first pregnancy.

The build up to the second one is not quite as much, but this is all my first like pregnancy learning, and just kind of how I got to be where I am now.

A little bit more relaxed, but not perfect.

Right.

It sounds like you, I mean, had been obviously thinking about it for years and preparing for it for years.

Like, so then once you were pregnant and once you got past, you know, the first trimester of progesterone supplements and stuff, did you feel good?

Did you feel sick?

Did you, like, what was your experience, like, physically?

Yeah, I, in general, love being pregnant.

The first trimester was nausea, fatigue, and then, like, some vomiting with, like, brushing my teeth.

I had to change my toothpaste and stuff like that.

Yeah.

I definitely still felt very nauseous and having to learn how to manage that.

And you just kind of don't want to do anything.

You want to be a couch potato, and then you feel guilty because all you want to do is lay around and eat potato chips, and as learning how to take care of yourself and eat this certain diet and all of that.

So dealing with those anxieties, but overall, like, good.

I felt pretty good.

Second trimester, I remember thinking, like, where is this burst of energy that everyone talks about?

This, like, for whatever reason, I thought, like, I'm going to be energized.

And in general, I'm like, I had to remind myself, I'm not naturally an energized person.

I don't just wake up ready to go or, like, have...

I'm a drowsy person, but...

And so I was, like, for whatever reason, shocked that I wasn't like this energizer bunny in second trimester, but I felt really good.

I was really excited to have a bump.

I probably didn't feel a baby until, like, 22 or 23 weeks.

I got with a birth center.

So in Dayton, it's about 15 minutes away from me.

There's a hospital in Connected.

They have a birth center.

It's labor and delivery ward, and then through two double doors is the birth center.

But they have, like, different protocol, and you still have to meet their criteria to get into that area.

So it's not a freestanding birth center.

It's attached.

But do they have, like, the same medical interventions, or would you have to, like, if you want to say you want to, like, an epidural or something, would you have to then transfer to the labor and delivery ward?

Okay.

Okay.

So, yeah, Connected and, yeah, same, like, staff, but-ish.

Like, you could get floated, I think, to one or the other, but you are, like, you work for natural, family beginnings is what it's called, or you work for labor and delivery, like, as your main spot, too, as far as staffing goes.

Okay.

So I had already found those, it's a doctor, a couple, like, two or three OBs, and then a group of midwives who I met with, and they rotated all through.

I really only had to meet with the OBs for, like, the eight-week ultrasound to confirm, like, viability.

The OB did it right there in the office.

And then maybe, like, after the 20-week ultrasound, just to review, like, any results, I think.

But other than that, if I didn't want to, I didn't have to see the OB.

But these OBs were pretty lovely.

And I felt like, I mean, they chose to work with, like, a large group of midwives, so I felt pretty confident.

One of the OBs, he's since retired, but he's a man of God as well.

And I think he works with, like, lower-income areas as well.

And he reads for, like, the, like, the pregnancy help centers.

Like, he'll read their ultrasounds, and, like, do some of that stuff.

So that was just like an extra sprinkle of reassurance that it was in the right place.

Yeah.

And other than that, like, the closest area, there's, like, a hospital.

That's 20 to 30 minutes from me.

So, sounds like, with wanting to be at the birth center with midwives, and you're going the more natural route, did you have a specific, like, birth plan in mind?

Did you have, like, a vision of how you wanted your birth to go?

Yeah.

I think I had just kind of the gold standard of, like, a natural, like, unmedicated vaginal birth.

A few or no cervical checks.

Like, kind of just every crunchy thing I could do, minus, like, eating the placenta.

Like, I feel like I was, like, interested in most of the things.

So I did have a doula.

My best friend just finished her certification, where she was in the process of getting certified.

She did have, like, three births.

So, like, she is my, like, very best friend, and she's also my confirmation sponsor.

Like, when we were younger, she's a couple, like, she's two, three years older than me, but she's so, she's, we've been close since, like, early high school.

So that was just wonderful to have someone to refer to all my questions.

And she had two kids at the time, and her second one was a home birth.

So she was a little crunchy, and that's probably where I got a lot of my ideas and inspiration from.

So, yeah, birth center.

I came in, like, when I met with the midwives, like, for my very first meeting, I had my whole questionnaire of, like, what you read in the book, and, like, this is all the things you should ask them.

And they were just kind of like, yep, yep, yep, we do that all.

Like, kind of blew me off a little bit, but in the way of, like, this is our standard.

So that was nice.

Yeah.

When I wrote out my birth plan, I did all the research and I wrote out for, like, what I want and, like, labor and what happens if I have to be induced.

Here's the medications I want, and then what it looks like if I have to get a C-section.

So I felt like I had a plan everywhere.

I wasn't closed off to only getting my natural physiological birth.

I imagined it, you know, being spiritual.

I imagined, like, I dreamed of getting to work with my body and my baby, and listening to my body, and getting to, like, move in whatever way that I'm supposed to be moved, and, you know, hoping to, like, just rely on God and bond with my husband and my best friend and do that together.

That was just kind of like the daydream aspect of what I pictured my birth to be like.

Yeah.

It's always good to envision what you want it to look like and go over it in your mind.

And so, I mean, like, just like that positive reinforcement mentally is so important.

Yeah.

And I think, like, having a little bit of time in labor and delivery and in the hospital in general as a nurse, like, I know, like, their hands are tied.

They have to, like, chart.

They have to, you know, follow orders.

And so I did build up some walls of, like, I don't want to be, like, forced into anything.

I was very nervous about, like, you know, getting someone who's kind of pushing me into, like, an epidural or, like, a c-section, listening to lots of birth stories.

I hear a lot about, like, doctors doing things without consent, nurses doing things without consent.

So I was just very, like, I was very ready, on guard for that, I guess.

Yeah.

My sister had some of those experiences with her birth as well.

So I was, yeah, I was, like, ready.

I put my shield, my wall up a little bit, and I felt like I wanted to just build my birth team the best I could in case, you know, my nurse was having a bad day, my doctor was having her midwife or whoever.

So, yeah, built it up as best I could.

Well, take us to labor.

How did labor start?

How far along were you?

What did all that look like?

So, my first was born at 38 and four.

Whoa.

Yeah, I have early babies, but I mentally prepared for a 42-weeker, so.

And that's the way to do it.

You prepare for a 42-weeker.

Yep, I'm gonna be pregnant forever.

She was born end of July, so it was very hot, but I loved summer.

I just felt good, other than like some swelling.

Overall, I was like ready to be pregnant forever.

I think we had a set of like 90-degree weather coming up, and I was like excited.

It was gonna be sunny every day.

I was gonna go to the pool like every day.

Like I was just very happy being pregnant, but it did.

I, middle of the night, naturally, went up to go to the bathroom, and my water broke when I was on the toilet, which was very nice, not having a nest.

Nice and convenient to catch.

Yes, very convenient.

But I had meconium in my waters, and so I was very like stressed right away.

Your anxiety started immediately.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And my husband was very excited.

I called him in, woke him up, and he's just like peppy and ready to go.

And I was like, nope, this end.

I'm already out of the birth center.

Like I risked out.

Oh, they won't let you birth there with meconium in the water?

Whoa.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, I was bummed.

But in hindsight, maybe a good thing to just have it right away.

Like you're not going to the birth center.

Like that's that versus like getting there and like maybe even getting into the birth center and having them being moved.

Yeah.

So, oh, we called midwife and my doula.

We were advised to go right away.

It was actually, it was pretty thick meconium like dark green and went into triage.

They checked me and it was a very painful check.

I didn't have any cervical checks.

I never had like any questions.

They never asked me about induction or about any cervical exams the whole time with my care.

The baby was like breech for up until like 37 weeks.

Oh, so she flipped right before.

Yeah.

And I actually had an appointment with the OB who owned the practice or ran the practice because he would do like an in-office version to flip the baby.

And so that day I went in for an appointment and he said she was head down, so I didn't have to do that.

And so I went into triage.

They went to check me.

It was super painful.

She was taken forever.

And she finally stopped and she said I was a centimeter and a half, and she couldn't feel any sutures on the baby to verify that it was the head.

So we were thinking that the baby was breech, because that doctor just told me that he felt with his hands that she was head down.

And I was like, I should have had him do an ultrasound.

I would have confirmed.

Yeah, to confirm that he was feeling correctly.

But anyways, in the time she went to get an OB on call to come scan and make sure head down, but I was a little nervous that I was automatically going to a C-section or something.

I knew that they would deliver vaginal breech, but I wasn't well-prepared.

I didn't know that I would really choose that in such a short amount of time.

Right.

So she was head down.

But these are just like little stressors.

Anyways, they got me to my room.

They got us like settled on the continuous monitors because of the meconium.

And had you had any contractions yet?

I had mild cramping.

I had very, very, very mild cramping on the way.

And I think it picked up some contractions on the monitor, but yeah, super mild.

Yeah.

And my water broke probably about 1 a.m.

in the morning.

And then jumping forward, I started Pitocin like after lunch.

So like 12 hours.

So they gave me 12 hours to try and get things going on my own.

I walked around the halls.

I pumped.

Luckily, my dula is my best friend, and she let me use her pump, because I didn't have mine with me.

So she had hers, because she's nursing still.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

And so trying to pump, trying to do the mild circuit, all the things, nothing was really happening.

I don't even know if I continued to have mild cramps.

So you were doing all that in the 12 hours leading up to when they put you on Pitocin.

Got you.

Yeah, yeah.

And my midwife came in, I think, in the beginning of her shift, maybe around 9 a.m.

And she said, So I hear you don't want Pitocin.

And I was kind of confused at first because nobody like talked to me, like nobody brought it up, which I knew it was going to be coming.

But they read my birth plan, which was really nice because it said, you know, the nurse said, yeah, she's like, she doesn't, she's not interested in Pitocin.

So it was nice.

So she came in and we had a discussion about Pitocin.

I asked about cervical ripeners in my mind, in my research, I wanted cervical over so prostate and whatnot.

But this is an experience that I've talked about.

She just didn't like them.

She, I think she said they make everything dry and like more uncomfortable.

I don't know.

That's like the first I've heard of that.

And I don't know if she meant like for the birth process or what that meant if I didn't.

I feel like they do the opposite, but I don't know.

Anyways, she wasn't a big fan of them.

She said, with pitocin, we can do low and slow.

We might go up to four and just eventually get up to four and stay there.

And that was like, okay, that's already like much better than I would have imagined.

I just didn't want to hop on the pitocin train of like, I have to be bumped up every 30 minutes.

Right.

You know, and so that was all like her idea and recommendation, and I was okay with that.

And that's what we did.

I probably started like they said, you know, order lunch.

I was adamant that I was like going to eat.

And I ordered lunch.

They, we started the pitocin after I ate.

And then I just kind of, I made sure I was eating, throughout and nobody ever really said anything.

And I also didn't ask.

So you just kept eating.

Just kept eating.

This is also like the perfect time in the midst of COVID, because they weren't testing or asking you to be tested.

They weren't having laboring women wear masks.

They wanted visitors to wear masks, but they didn't really enforce it.

And then like we had, I think you could have two people in the laboring room with you, and then like three or four in postpartum.

So it was pretty relaxed, closer to normal.

And I'm pretty sure like two weeks after we gave birth, it was like tightened back up again, like a lot more strict, a lot of like testing.

I think there was a rise.

So I started Pitocin low and slow, kept walking, kept doing all the things I was advised to rest.

And I also think like some of the staff kind of gave us some funny looks, like when we're walking through the halls so much, like had my tennis shoes on.

And I was like all about like getting everything going.

But I was too nervous to relax.

Like I was just needed.

I wanted things to start.

You know, I really at the end of the day, I specialize the first time mom, I wanted to avoid a C-section.

And I think I started getting uncomfortable around close to shift change, probably like 6 p.m.

I had like really good nurse to start off with.

And then my nurses switched like halfway through the day.

And I got a nurse who's actually a family beginnings, like birth center nurse that got floated.

The patient she was with, I think was having like getting ready for a C-section.

So they needed like an actual L&D nurse over there.

So I had to say goodbye to my really, really great nurse.

And then I got this nurse who was like, okay, a family beginnings nurse, you're here for a reason.

They know I want an unmedicated delivery.

And that's very nice of them to send her over.

But she was a nervous Nellie.

She was so nervous, cause that's not her area.

And so that was really hard.

She, I mean, she was, every time I walked in the halls, she was like beckoning me back to the room because like my monitor would jump off some.

Whereas like the previous nurse, like she would routinely put me, like straighten up my monitors.

But like she'd let me walk.

And like she'd catch me on a couple, like a lap, you know, where this one was like, every time it like slightly like started not picking up or jumping or something.

She was like right there.

And like I wanted to do a shower unmonitored for like a break.

And so she let me do that.

But then she was like upset because I was in there for too long.

She was like, you can't do hydrotherapy.

Like she was just very like, oh man.

And I have a lot of understanding for her that like that's not that's not her area of like induction.

She's with the natural women, you know.

Yeah.

But yeah, she was she was pretty like difficult to be with.

She just brought a lot of anxiety to it.

I know like I was sitting on the ball and she came in like hurried and like baby's heart rate is dropping.

Like she was frantic and I was like, I already knew like, no, it's not like I'm on the ball.

Like, it's my heartbeat.

And yeah, it's shifted.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I did end up like, you know, crying because she was just taking away from like this environment that we were trying to build.

Yeah.

And this experience.

And she was just kind of negative.

She was like, you know, taking too long with like the podocin or I don't know how she said, she's like, you don't want your uterus or your baby to get lazy.

And like just some of her language was kind of funny.

Like she was not ill intent.

That's just how she came across sometimes.

But my lovely little doula came over and she's like, your uterus is not lazy.

Your baby's not lazy.

Like she's just reassuring me.

But six o'clock rolled around when things started to get uncomfortable and I was like having to stand up and try and do some work.

And that nurse's lovely birth center skills finally came in right at the end of her shift or she was doing some really awesome like hip movements with me.

And she just like she shone through, you know, those last 45 minutes trying to help me cope.

And I was like, you would have probably been great over there.

But yeah, yeah, I got a new nurse for night shift and she was perfect.

She reassured me.

She's like, so I was kind of like starting to breathe and just not love birth, birth or laboring.

She's like, you know, Oh yeah, my name is so-and-so.

Like, I've read your birth plan.

Everything sounds good.

And it was just so nice, like for her to just be like, I read your birth plan.

I feel like I've listened to so many people talk about them.

Not everyone.

Not doing that, yeah.

And she was with me most of the night.

She did so good.

Like anytime I was in the shower, she was like on her hands and knees, just like holding the probe for the heartbeat.

Instead of like asking me to get up or move my position, she was just doing all the things and to, you know, monitor me while not bothering me, essentially.

Yeah.

Um, jumping forward probably, I mean, I can, like I said, I continued to do all the things for laboring.

I had a birth playlist.

I had like Lauren Daigle on.

I had like a little sanctuary built with like a special purple blanket that my like deceased grandma got me.

I had like crucifix that we got for our wedding that was blessed, like a rosary that was made from our wedding petal, our wedding flowers.

Oh, that's cool.

Just like, yeah, some cute things to like look at and hopefully keep me centered.

And some like fake candles for lighting and stuff like that.

And I spent a lot of time in the shower just trying to breathe through it.

I will say, like looking back at this time with laboring, I was so worried about what everyone else was doing.

And how everyone else felt.

I was worried about, like we were in this tiny little bathroom.

It was hot.

You know, I was worried about my husband's back hurting or, you know, like people were shoved in spots to like spray the hose on my back.

And I just like felt like I couldn't relax.

Yeah, I couldn't relax.

Yeah, I was just very like trying to pay attention to all the things.

I finally, like I was on backwards on the toilet.

I was puking.

I was pooping.

It was a very wonderful time.

It's a very humbling time that sounds like transition.

Yeah, and that's what my my friend is like, Elleah, like, you know what this is?

Like, she's reminding me, like, you know that what is happening, you know, like, you're most likely transitioning.

I think somebody offered me anti-nausea medication, and I was like, no, like, that's the one time I don't want to be sleeping.

Well, yeah, I was having a lot of back pain, lots of back labor.

I think that's all I was having.

I don't remember any other sensations other than my back ripping apart.

But I was like, the only time I don't feel my back labor is when I'm puking.

So I don't want the medicine.

So I would like to throw up, please.

It passed.

But even on labor and delivery side, they had the option of birthing in the water.

Oh, well, that's good.

Yeah.

Were you allowed to with the meconium?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's cool.

Yeah, because sometimes that risks you out like at hospitals and stuff.

All together.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I mean, as far as I know, at least I was able to labor in it.

And I think from my memory serves me right, that I would have been able to birth in it too.

But they told me beforehand, we'll blow up the pool.

It's inflatable, we'll blow it up, and then we'll roll it into your room and fill it up.

And so I finally requested the pool, and they came in and they blew it up inside the room.

So it's like the loudest vacuum.

It's very loud.

Cleaner noise, and you're in the throes of labor, was terrible.

That was a core memory.

And that was very, I mean, I was just screaming to block it out.

I was out of my mind, just frustrated, over-stimulated with that extra noise.

Yeah.

And they required, wanted you to be checked before you got in the pool.

I think I was only four centimeters.

And I think part of my birth like preferences was to not be told what you are, what I was.

But and in hindsight, like I'm on pitocin, my labor is not stopping.

Like, why do I have to be checked in the water?

I know that's the concern.

It's like labor slowing down.

Like if you get in the water, but it's like, I'm on pitocin, you're just going to turn it up more.

But yeah, got in the water.

Pool was not fully inflated.

I think probably because I was not tolerating them blowing it up.

So it's like water is like spilling out the side when I'm like leaning on it.

And yeah, I was like too far gone.

I was like just kind of all over the place in the pool.

And I just remember looking in my husband's eyes, like because my friend was like, look at Joel.

She's trying to get me to focus because I was like I was losing it.

And I look at his eyes and he looked so scared.

And I was like, okay.

No, I just didn't want to look in his eyes anymore.

You're not the person I want right now.

Yeah.

All to go to like, I finally requested the epidural.

And my midwife or my duel is like, do you want to go over the risks and benefits?

And I was like, no, like, not right now.

Don't want to hear it.

Like I probably like what happens when you have your like close friend as your duel is like, you're not scared to like tell them no or whatever.

Yeah.

And I think I requested it or I mentioned epidural a couple of times.

And they were doing their job trying to like keep me going.

And I think I finally, and my nurse was in the room and I like, like avoided looking at my doula.

And I was like, I want the epidural.

And what time was this like, cause your water broken at 1 a.m.

the night before.

So what time is it now when you're getting the epidural?

It was a little after midnight.

Okay, so we're almost at 24 hours.

Okay, gotcha.

Yep, yeah.

And they're like, okay, like we'll get the epidural, got me out of the water.

And like, let's try and empty your bladder.

I like hovered over the toilet seat and immediately popped up.

I'm like, nope, like I can't do it.

Like, am I always needing to know what was going on?

I told my nurse and it's like, or maybe this was after the fact, but it was like, please, like I don't want a resident like doing my epidural.

Like, can I have a CRNA?

Please get me the real guy.

Yeah, like, or-

Poor girl.

In my labor and delivery experience, I was like, for whatever reason, the CRNA, the nurse anesthetists were like the best.

Yeah.

So I was like, can I have a CRNA?

And she's like, oh yeah, I would not get you.

Like, she was so sweet.

She's like, you're gonna get someone good.

And they were in there so fast.

And she like did it so quickly.

And I mean, I was like nervous about not holding still, but they had me like rolling my feet like in circles.

And that like helped a lot.

I was like preventing me from like moving.

And I could just hold still with that.

Yeah.

And I got to like, I was just laying, hugging my nurse and like, she was just so sweet.

So it was like so nice.

She was just a very good comfort.

Got the epidural in and I laid back.

I had like the shakes and everything pretty bad, but I kind of knew all of that.

And they were putting me all these warm blankets on me.

I could feel like a big bulge in my lower back, my tailbone area.

And I was like, in my mind, I was like, I think the head's like, I think she's like there.

I think she's pretty low.

I don't think I said anything, though.

And then I got all set up and we were, we all took a nap for like two hours.

And then I was completely naturally.

I just needed to relax.

And one thing was like, once I got my epidural, the midwife was in the room and she's like, looked at the screen and she's like, turn her pitocin down or something.

Because my contractions were like on top of each other.

Like I was contracting too much.

I was like, that would have been nice.

Like, to know.

To turn it down earlier.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I had a really good epidural.

I could move my legs really well.

I was able to like turn, like squat on the back of the bed.

Nice.

When it was time to push.

And so I started off like that.

Just I wanted to do the breathe my baby down motions.

And so I kind of did that squatting and just trying to like relax everything and find my pelvic floor, which I did a lot of during pregnancy, like working about my pelvic floor.

I did a lot of deep squats and figuring out how to like relax.

And she like, you could see her head like pretty quickly with that.

And then the midwife came in and I started pushing more with her because I didn't have like a great, it wasn't great for me.

I didn't feel like I have a lot of power in the squat, like squatting in the back of the bed, a little too soft or something.

But I ended up turning around and they had the squat bar up.

So I was able to use that and squat and push with the squat bar.

And then we did that for a while.

And they actually had me alternate between doing the squat bar and then laying back, like kind of the regular semi-inclined position.

Yeah.

So it was like every other squat.

And then my husband and the nurse would help lay me back in the bed.

And it was like, just pushed like that for a while.

I ended up pushing for about two hours, which was super surprising because her head like came pretty much within like the first few minutes of starting.

And they were like, we're going to be done in 20 minutes or something.

I was like, never tell me times.

I said to him for it.

Yeah.

And so I was getting really tired at this point.

Yeah, after two hours, I was losing steam.

I was looking, I looked back at some of my pictures and I remember like purple pushing.

You know, I gave up on the calm pushing.

I was kind of getting stressed that it was taking too long.

And I also felt like after so long, I wasn't sure where I was pushing.

So just giving it my all, even using my face.

But she crowned for a while and all in hindsight, like I had no tearing.

So it was all for like a good reason.

But she took her time coming out.

And at the end of pushing, like I noticed either it was because she was so low in my pelvis or the heartbeat was dropping.

So I do remember hearing that or noticing that.

But other than that, like her heartbeat was perfect the entire time.

And she had thicc meconium the entire time during labor.

And I know when she was starting to crown, that they lowered my bed all the way flat and started moving my legs back.

So getting me in position for a shoulder dystocia.

So I think it's like the Robert's maneuver or something like that.

It's pretty much like lay you flat, flat, and then bringing her...

Push her legs back as far as they'll go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It wasn't aggressive, but they were starting to do that.

And then she came out.

But I do remember seeing the midwife grab scissors.

And I was like...

What do you have those for?

Yeah.

I was like, she had a shoulder, her heart...

In my mind, I was like, I think her heart rate was low.

They were putting me back, preparing me for shoulder dystocia.

She grabbed the scissors.

I got an episiotomy.

Like, I had all these thoughts.

And I was like, did I get an episiotomy?

And she's like, oh, no.

She's like, I've maybe done five of those in my entire career.

And she's like older midwife.

I was like, oh, good.

Yeah.

She grabbed the scissors for the cord to, you know, eventually like cut the cord or whatever.

Oh, yeah.

She had me reach down and help pull the baby out, which I don't think I was much help.

But she went right on my tummy.

They actually, one thing that surprised me, like they did not stimulate, like the midwife, like I think, like moved the nurse's hands away.

Oh, nice.

They didn't want to stimulate because I don't think they wanted her to inhale meconium.

So like she gave her some time.

I don't think I don't, I definitely did not get two minutes of delayed cord clamping.

But they did have Joel cut the cord, and they took her to the warmer to section her, which I think they prepared me all.

I knew that the NICU team would be in there.

Took her to the warmer and like got me all set up.

And oh, I forgot I was a NICU nurse at this time.

I have mine in my career.

So I had like a lot of newborn skills and like awareness at that time.

So I was like, even before giving birth, I was like teaching my husband, like, I think with a teddy bear or something like that.

You put your hands on them like this, like if make them feel comfortable or, you know, if she's like taken from me or something.

So he went over to the warmer with the NICU team, and they were really good about getting him in there and just like putting his hands on her and being with her.

And they deep suctioned her and monitored her a little.

It was about 10 minutes of her being over there, which I don't remember feeling quite that long.

But I did ask, you know, at one point, I noticed that they were just looking at her.

They weren't doing anything.

And I was like, can you, can you look better over here?

Like, yeah, can you monitor on her on my chest?

And so they, yeah, they brought her over and just, like, continued to monitor her there.

And she worked up fluid for a long time.

But, like, I think her apgars and everything were good.

They just wanted that meconium out.

And yeah, that was, I mean, they put me together, like, a nice, cleaned me up, gave me a nice ice pack.

I was, like, tucked in and ready.

She nursed right away.

I let her, like, do what she wanted to on the breast for, like, the whole two hours, which, in hindsight, led to a lot of damage to start with.

Let her do what she went.

Like, maybe it wasn't the most deep, proper lich.

Yeah.

And I think, yeah, you kind of read some things, like the breast crawl and letting them find it and letting them figure it out.

And I was like, okay, yeah.

And then, yeah, then I had scabs.

And yeah, it was not a great start, but they pretty much left us alone to do that.

Golden hour or whatever for the first two hours.

And they did her initial other checks, listen to her while she was on me and stuff.

And they actually have a pediatric, a separate nurse come in at the two-hour mark.

Like after your two hours are done, not two hours are done, but after you've had your two hours of time with your baby, she came in with a cart and did all the prenatal, the footprints or the wavy and all of that stuff.

And yeah, I was able to get up pretty quickly and go to the bathroom.

Like I just, yeah, my experience with epidural was really good.

Postpartum initially was like pretty good.

I utilized being in the NICU.

We had lactation consultants on the floor.

We were in intensive NICU, but we also had well babies that were just feeding and growing.

So I got to see a lot of nursing.

And I would like, if I could and had time, I would just hang out in there.

And if the mom was okay with it, and watch the lactation go over all those things.

I had a really good idea of breastfeeding.

But yeah, I called in the lactation consultants multiple times a day just to check.

I ended up using a nipple shield because I had scabbed.

And I know a lot of people have had really negative experiences, or have a hard time getting off of them.

It worked really well for me.

I used it until I healed enough that I could tolerate her latch better.

Then I would just, it just on and off depended how I was feeling, and as long as she wasn't creating more damage.

And after the first couple of days, I was able to stop using the nipple shields pretty easily.

She did have a tongue tie, which I feel like now is kind of an, I'm hearing more now that it's being overdiagnosed, but her dad had a severe tongue tie as a baby as well.

So I was game for getting that fixed.

Yeah, it went well like breastfeeding wise.

And early postpartum was all pretty good.

Physically, I healed really good.

Emotionally, I had like the baby blues, or the early, just tearfulness.

My husband owns a business with his dad, a small business, and so he didn't have paternity leave.

He just, whatever he would take off is like putting more work on his dad or putting him behind more.

So he was home some, and then there were days where he'd go in for a couple of hours and come back.

And he was very adamant, like if I needed him home, he would come back.

That's good.

Yeah, and his parents lived very close as well.

So you don't feel like you had any postpartum depression.

Were you still on depression medication?

Like more, okay.

Yeah, I was still on medication.

I had like tearfulness, but I think I was able to like, I feel like, oh, yeah, like hormones.

Like after like looking back, like a couple months out, looking back, I was like, it took me a solid like month or two to like leave our bedroom.

Like I had like set up in our bedroom and I had the, like we had a small TV in there and I just, like my way of coping was to like just have like shows playing and only focusing on like nursing and stuff, which is good.

The initial time, I just had a hard time coming out of that.

Coming out of that, yeah.

I had a hard time like taking on, like starting to do things that you need to do, like laundry or like some dishes and stuff.

And like, we had a lot of help too, but just like it was very overwhelming.

Our first born is Maria is her name, and she is from the get-go, just a very, I guess a Sour Patch kid sometimes, but she's super sweet, like super fun, loving, like passionate little girl, but she has been so hard for me.

And I think it's because like she's sensitive too, like emotionally sensitive, has really big emotions.

I have really big emotions.

We're figuring it out together.

I remember like her first night out of the really, like that first night is the worst or maybe it's the second, whichever they say.

And like being a NICU nurse, I've worked with like drug withdrawal babies.

This is terrible to say, but they have a hard time.

You know, they're really sad.

They're inconsolable.

And I was shocked with like how mad she was that first night.

Like I could not calm her.

I didn't know what to do with her.

I was like convinced that maybe the medication I was on, which is it was Zoloft, it's super common medication in pregnancy.

I was like convinced that she was withdrawal.

Like I just thought something had to be wrong with her.

And she was just, she was just angry.

And she was kind of like that.

She was like that for a long time.

She was a colicky baby.

She's still like, she just turned three.

She's just got some big emotions.

And so looking back, it's like, yeah, it was her first night, but that was also like, that's just kind of how she is, yeah.

She lets you know how she feels.

Yeah, so that made for like late postpartum.

And now I can say this because I've had two, but like I do great early postpartum.

Like I think I can manage that.

But when it's like coming later, you know, a couple months out, when you're kind of supposed to be getting back to life and doing things is when I really struggle.

You're still lack of sleep.

Like you're still not sleeping.

Your babies still need you all the time.

But now, like, you have to do things.

And people expect you to kind of get back by then.

Yeah.

So that's always been like the hard part, harder part for me, like postpartum wise.

Oh, yeah, I get that.

I say like around four months for me usually is like, because I might feel like the babies regress with sleeping and stuff.

And so then it's like, I'm getting less sleep than when you were born.

And yet I have to be up earlier and be active and doing more things than I was when you were born.

Yeah.

So I get that for sure.

So then take us to your next pregnancy.

How, what was the spacing between when Maria was born and when y'all got pregnant again?

Yeah.

So Maria, Maria was about a year and a half when we got pregnant for the second time.

And that was a, like we were ready to start having another baby, or like considering that process, but we weren't like trying.

So, and I was also adamant, I was like, I do not want to be, I don't want to be aggressively charting.

Yeah.

I just, I wanted it, I wanted to give it time to like happen on its own.

Yeah.

If it could, I wasn't ready in the mental space to like even be able to do that anyways.

So we, we got pregnant, I would say like surprisingly easy for that one.

And we, I did the same thing.

I called, I told my friend first, my husband second, and got my levels checked.

My progesterone was low.

I got on progesterone pills, the suppositories again.

And my, I think this time, my progesterone was like really low.

I think it was like a nine or something.

And it's, it's just, that's like one of the lower ones before, like that I could find before you kind of miscarry.

But I also knew like there's some doctors, I don't know if you've heard the terminology of like nat pro doctors.

I think they're Christian or maybe just like Catholic based doctors that have like a lot more strict criteria on progesterone levels.

A lot more like if your progesterone is this low, and you know, a general doctor might say like, either you're fine or you do the suppositories.

Whereas like a nat pro doctor would be like, you are doing like, I am injections, you're doing like, they're just a lot more strict on like.

A lot quicker to take action with the progesterone.

Yeah, so I had a hard time with that because my doctor just wanted to do the suppositories and I was looking at some nat pro charts online and like wanting to get a nat pro doctor, but I think I would have had to go like online out of state, like it would have been a lot of effort to find some and ended up all in all, like being like at peace with, you know, my levels were coming up and the gesturing was doing what it was supposed to do.

We had ultrasound at eight weeks and got to see the little heartbeat and like told our family that we were pregnant, I think right around Christmas time, beginning of the new year.

And we went on a vacation with our friends on a cruise with our friends and our kids, both our kids.

And I remember feeling pretty decent during the cruise.

I was like, oh, maybe this one's a boy.

My nausea is going away a little quicker, a little worried, but also just hoping it was a boy or something was different.

Yeah.

But we did come back from the cruise and I was probably, I think maybe 10 or 11 weeks and I had some cramping.

And I don't think I had any spotting.

And I called the office and talked to one of the nurses and I told her, like, you know, my symptoms have kind of been slowly fading out and I'm having some cramping.

And she reassured me, you know, like that can be normal.

But at the end, like she was like, if you feel more comfortable, let's get you in for ultrasound.

Like, you know, they were super helpful.

And so we had an ultrasound the next day and they put the probe on.

I could like tell right away that the baby looked the same as it did a couple of weeks prior.

And so she did the measurement and I saw that it measured eight weeks and four days.

And so baby had passed like a couple of days after our first ultrasound.

And I was supposed to be like 11-ish weeks.

So a missed miscarriage, I guess, is how that's called.

So very like devastated.

Yeah, they sent me right over back to my doctor's office and they like get you right in.

They don't make you sit out in the lobby with the pregnant people, which is really nice.

You know, our OB sat down and talked to us and like kind of went through options.

My best friend and Dula had also had miscarriage, two miscarriages in the past.

And I called her because I just kind of wanted to know what her experience was with like naturally miscarrying and a DNC.

I just wanted to hear from my friend how her experience was with a DNC versus just naturally miscarrying.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer in that like previous fall time.

And so it was originally he was diagnosed with cancer.

It was regular bladder, like bladder cancer.

And then we recently found out it was metastasized.

And like even at Christmas when we announced our pregnancy, like I just remember at Christmas, like it was very obvious that it was not, he was not going to be around long.

So I had like a lot of pain like already, sorry.

It's okay.

I was going through a lot of like struggles and like pain already.

And I had Maria at home, who was like a year and a half, and she's like hardcore mama's girl.

So I just couldn't imagine like going through the natural route of having the baby at home.

Knowing that like my daughter would be around and need me.

And like I just kind of think I was like, I don't want to add any more like trauma.

Because I know it can be really hard and really like, just like really, I mean, you're giving birth like a painful birthing process at home.

So in all, I decided to do a DNC, and I actually just decided to go ahead and get it done that evening because he was available.

And I was just like, I just felt more peace with that because I didn't want to deliver.

I didn't want to go through it at home.

Yeah.

And kind of like lessen my pain.

So we chose to have a DNC and we went in that evening, just Joel and I, and the staff was all super sweet.

It was actually like a really, like for lack of better terms, like nice time with my husband.

We just got to sit together more.

We, I think we put on friends while we were waiting, just to distract ourselves.

And my daughter went to her grandparents that night.

So when we came home, we just sat in our sorrow together, but like, yeah, together, and not like angry and separated.

And so that made it just like a really beautiful time.

And I think I was surprised with having anxiety and depression.

I was expecting like, I just knew in my mind, I'm like, I'm at risk for like going off the, you know, just going down.

Yeah.

And I was very grateful and very blessed.

I felt very at peace with it.

And we we had named the baby Ezra.

And I think it also means like God's helper.

And I just like knew Ezra was, that was Ezra's purpose.

And Ezra was never going to be like Earth side.

And that was like okay.

And I felt like okay with that.

And so it was nice to go through that experience and just knowing that like it was all for like a purpose.

And yeah, that was Ezra's story.

That was in February.

That was February 10th that we found out.

And then my dad had passed away in May.

So we did like, you know, I had those few months of like getting to be with him and like my siblings and just like getting to take care of him.

And so he passed away middle of May.

And then I found out I was pregnant with Ruby in end of June, I think, end of June.

So like bummed that I couldn't tell my dad, but I also felt like he already met her.

So yeah, Ruby came around at end of June.

And that's kind of where her story starts.

And like, you know, just really hoping and praying she was a rainbow.

And that I think I had anxiety over another miscarriage, but I was also very much like, I'm not overly worried.

I think it was just still like a normal amount of anxiety.

I still want my levels checked, but I'm also like just mindful of it.

And with Ruby now, I have a toddler.

I have a toddler running around.

It's different.

Yeah, it is different.

And I was working.

I actually went back full time for no, I'm sorry.

I went after Maria had four months maternity leave, and then I went back PRN, and then I went back full time at this office, easier job.

And so like, yeah, full time job with the toddler and being nauseous, all the kind of the same things.

I just felt nauseous and fatigued, very overwhelmed.

Maria was still breastfeeding.

And she was just very, like she was very attached to me and like very angry when it wasn't me.

And so trying to get like her dad involved more and caring for her, like with nighttime stuff, it was so hard to like lay.

I never, she never slept in her crib.

She ended up on the floor bed nursing to sleep.

And then I would roll away.

And so she was still doing that when she was almost two.

Or when we nursed until she was a little after two.

But like laying down and nursing her and being nauseous was like, it was just so hard.

I did not feel great.

And I just felt like, yeah, it was just trying time with like this toddler and being sick and wondering, how am I going to be able to do this?

Like kind of all those concerns and worries.

My prep with Ruby was a lot more laid back.

I had my doula training in between like Ezra, losing Ezra, and then I had my doula training, which is a week weekend long thing.

So that was like my birth, my birth prep.

I decided to do, actually with Ezra, I had bought in the Christian Hypno birthing app.

And so I had that with Ruby, that was like my main source, I think.

And then I listened to podcasts and birth podcasts.

I have come a long way.

I think I used to be like, I think a lot of people are thinking about home birth, like, what?

Like kind of confused by it.

When it first represented, like as something that would happen.

And then, you know, I've come a long.

And I'm kind of glad with Ruby that it just wasn't an option because we were moving house.

We bought a new house in.

We were in the midst of moving when I was probably like 30 weeks.

And so just it wasn't going to be ready.

Like I didn't feel comfortable.

I did not feel like a drive, but I still really wanted.

I wanted home birth care like from my midwives.

I wanted that with Maria as well.

And I think talking with my friend because she had her home birth.

I got to hear about her.

Meeting midwives.

Yeah, the hour long meetings.

And like she gave me so much education, like with nutrition and like she had made me a loose leaf tea, the Nora tea.

And just like a lot of like what her midwives taught her and how they supported her and prepped her for a home birth, like how they taught her to build her blood supply.

And like it was during like COVID.

So they taught her how to, in case she wasn't able to come to an appointment, like how to check her fundal height and like just like really, you know, give you so much leverage in your care.

And yeah, I really wanted that.

But my appointments were still like the typical like in and out 10 minute.

Yeah.

Do you have any questions?

No, but I kind of like just want you to tell me some things.

Yeah.

Give me something, some sort of education or what not.

But I still chose the same practice with Ruby.

Gosh, I got to 38 and two with her.

With Ruby, we also had like, I was convinced even though I had a 38 week with Maria.

Maria was eight pounds, 13 ounces.

She was a big girl for being like-

For 38 weeks, yeah.

For 38 weeks.

So in my mind, I was like, she was probably like, her dates were probably off or something.

I don't know.

Yeah.

So Ruby, as like we were moving house, and then we actually got like, we got a nice house that was not outdated or anything.

Pretty much like move in ready if we wanted to paint it.

We could.

We had so much like issues.

We had like some water damage through all of our faucet.

Like our whole house was a mess.

We had damage in the main floor because I over flooded a sink.

So they were going to have to tear out our main floor that was like living room and kitchen and all that.

And then we had like all of our faucets.

Like we had this gunk in it from like our water softener going bad and like clogging all of our faucets.

So like we were drinking water or running water or whatever, like when I was like 37, 38 weeks.

I mean, we came home with a baby, and we had running water in some of the faucets.

Oh, boy.

And it was, yeah, it was a mess.

So I was like, I'm going to be pregnant till like 42 weeks because I'm not going to be able to relax enough.

Relax enough to go into labor.

To go into labor, yeah.

But no, I had woke up, I was still, Maria would still get up like once a night and just come into our room and get me, and I'd come lay with her for 10 minutes until she fell off to sleep.

Like our nightly routine.

So she did that, I think February 21st, so like 4 a.m.

and I remember laying with her and just feeling like some cramping, but sleeping.

I went back to sleep.

And then that day, I was like, noted like it was still going on.

I was like, oh, I'm having some contractions.

Or like, I guess, mild cramps.

But I also was like, blessed in getting, I had some bloody show and I had like loose bowel movements, too, like all these like, all the signs.

Yeah.

So that was really nice being a birth nerd and not getting that with my first birth.

I was like really excited to be getting like, to experience.

The signs.

Yeah.

The signs.

But looking back, it was still like, I don't know.

Always question yourself.

Like how obvious do you need to be before you give birth?

But I had my 38-week appointment scheduled for that day.

So I like actually it was supposed to be in the morning and I just moved it back because I was like, it's a 50-minute drive.

I don't want to have to make it twice.

So I'm hoping like maybe I'll just go into labor before then.

Oh, yeah.

And so I won't have to like, yeah, drive back and forth so much.

But I didn't.

It stayed mild, consistent contractions.

I had my appointment with my midwife and she asked if I wanted to be checked.

And I said no, and that was fine.

She said it could be today.

It could be a couple of days, you know?

Yeah, it could be days.

Yeah.

And I did show her my pad, because I was unsure about my...

I knew I was losing my mucus plug, but sometimes it seemed more watery.

And I was a little uncertain if there was a small leak or something.

Yeah.

She did the pH strip, and that tested positive.

But then she did the slide for ferning, and that was negative.

So she was fine.

Like, we agreed my water didn't break.

I went home.

Kind of kept at, like, I think I was uncomfortable enough.

Like, I just didn't...

I couldn't be around my daughter.

I couldn't be, like, somebody telling me their constant needs and, you know, crying.

But that wasn't tolerating that very well.

So she was at her grandparents' and then came home for bedtime because nothing was really happening.

And then the next day, I went to the babysitter, and I just kind of had the whole day to myself.

And I was...

I even, like...

I mean, I texted my boss.

He's like, I might call off tomorrow, but we'll see.

I don't know.

Like, I'm not really a neighbor, but I kind of am.

I had mild contractions all night, but I was able to sleep through them.

I think I took some breaths with them.

It was just, like, really peaceful.

And, oh, I get, like, on the 21st...

When my labor started, I had also, like...

I had a chiropractor appointment scheduled that day, or a massage scheduled that day, and I, like, called my chiropractor to see if I could get in last-minute as well, because, like, I just hear those, like, rare dreamy birth stories where they're like, yeah, I went for a massage, and I got to see my chiropractor while I was in labor, and, like, it just all sounded really nice, and I was lucky enough to get that.

And, you know, it was, like, a super sunny day, and it's February, and it was...

Which is not common in Ohio.

Yeah, the sun, and, yeah, in the winter is not everything.

And so, and I could, like, walk around in a sweatshirt.

Like, it was just such a nice day.

So I got, like, my massage.

I had my chiropractor appointment.

I took a walk around, like, the park.

Just kind of had that dream, early labor.

And the next day, I continued on that.

It was rainy the next day, but it was like, I was trying to watch a movie.

I was kind of, like, loosely doing the mile circuits, which was, for me, like, and talking about Maria's birth, and, like, I just kind of, like, had to be so, like, perfect at all the things and, like, do all the things.

And then doing this, like, ah, that position's not very comfortable for me, so I'm not going to do it the whole...

I guess it's just a little more laid back.

Yeah.

I just kind of played, and my mind is, like, I played around.

In my early labor, I was not strict.

I did a little bit of curb walking here and there.

I walked down the street, and we have, like, a big hill at the end of our street, and I thought of...

I read Ina May's book in my first pregnancy, and she talked about sending one of the laboring mothers out to, like, stomp through the forest during labor or something like that.

And so I was just picturing that in my...

on stomping on my hill.

So yeah, it was a lot of fun.

My husband was still at work.

I didn't really want him to come home.

Like, I was just pretty content by myself.

I kept in touch with my doula, Chelsea.

She actually had a small infant or a four-month-old, and so I wasn't sure if she was going to be able to actually like come there.

Yeah, which is totally understandable.

And I was also very lucky because she had a home birth midwife student who needed births.

And so she was like in our text chain.

So she was hoping to come as well.

And I just got to like keep them in the loop and kind of updating everybody continuously.

All my text messages were like, nothing's changing and it's been 24 plus hours.

Just these mild crampings.

Yeah.

I tell people early labor can last for days.

Get ready.

Yeah.

And yeah, it was a whole new ball game for me.

I think around lunchtime, I remember like my husband went like a half hour away and got this food that I really wanted.

And then like I was starting to get nervous that he wasn't home yet.

And I was also starting to get like scared.

And I told my child, I told Chelsea that I like texted her, I'm feeling scared.

And she like sent me a really beautiful message of like, you know, just voice message.

You know, this is like, this is what you want.

You have been through a lot of hard things, like you can do hard things.

And like, she just, she's like such a close friend that I also feel like God speaks to me through her a lot.

Like, there's so many times I like reach out to her, and like, she just says, you know, exactly what I needed to hear.

And so I remember like hearing her message and then crying and like looking back now, I was like, oh, that was like kind of that emotional release you get before labor takes off.

Yeah.

I had like my setup in my room.

Like I had my birth ball.

I had like we have like a small walking closet, and I had bought like a birth sling.

I don't know.

I feel like those had just started coming out.

But I saw on Instagram, like these birth slings that you use.

You can hang them over like a door hinge.

And hang on them, and wrap like around all different positions.

And I was so excited about that because I do like to squat a lot in like pregnancy and preparing.

And for whatever reason, I was like obsessed with the idea of my closet.

And because I imagine going into labor in the middle of the night, I'm like, I'll go in my closet, that way Jill can sleep fresh, leave me alone.

I'll be in this dark little spot.

I got twinkle lights.

I have my Christian Hypno birthing on in my headphones.

And yeah, so I did that for a while.

And then I talked to her.

I had my cry.

He came home with like this lunch that I was really craving and I did not want it.

Like it was all of a sudden sounded terrible.

And then I kind of, yeah.

Yeah.

And I was like, he kind of drove like an hour, like total to get this food.

I kind of felt like I'll eat it.

And I did.

I ate it.

And I'm really grateful I did.

But yeah, so he was finally home with me.

And like things were starting to get, like pick up a little bit more, starting to get a little uncomfortable.

When I told her I was scared, like I was just nervous that like, like this had been so mild for so long.

And I was like kind of getting irritated now.

Like how, like I didn't know how I was going to handle it, getting any harder though at the same time.

And anyways, Joel was home with me.

We, I was like breathing through my contractions.

I kind of put him on timer task, like reluctantly, I guess.

Eventually got on timer task, timing my contractions, because I think I kind of kept telling him, like, if there's no point in timing them, they're too mild, mild.

And, or even like, I'm like, it is like two deep breaths.

And then it's like, you're fine.

Yeah.

So I just had a hard time, but he did finally kind of, he started timing them.

Okay.

So was your goal to stay at home as long as possible before going to the hospital, or were you wanting to go to the hospital sooner?

Like, what were you guys planning to do?

Yeah.

I was, I wanted to use the birth center.

Same birth center.

Yeah.

Same birth center.

And, you know, it's like, got the big king bed, got the big, like, bath jacuzzi, luxury, like set up there.

So I was like, I want to get there and like utilize it.

And use it, right?

Yeah.

I don't want to come in like, like having the baby.

Ready to go.

Yeah.

If I wanted to just come in and like have the baby, I would have just like went to the hospital.

But so I wanted to go, but I didn't want to drive 50 minutes and then not be far enough and get sent home.

Right.

Right.

And yeah, looking back, it's like, I don't know what my thought process was, because that was the original plan.

But when I was in labor, I don't know what I was expecting, like when I was expecting to leave.

But it just seemed like too manageable.

And I was scared to go and like, get not be.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I kind of thought like maybe get a hotel or something if that would happen, but that also didn't sound very comfortable.

Anyways, we, I was laboring on the ball and then as long as I could stand up and like lean over my bed and breathe like a few deep breaths, like it was super like I could get through that contraction.

And one of like my favorite small memories of this labor was like, we eventually like laid on our bed and like just held hands.

And I'd kind of fall asleep in between.

And then as long as I didn't let myself fall too deep asleep, that I was like, knew when my contraction was coming, got up on my hands and knees, did my deep breaths and laid right back down.

But it was just a really nice moment like together with Joel, just like peaceful.

I remember feeling like I started to kind of feel pressure in my hips.

And I had him like go ahead and like push on my hip a little bit.

And I was like, no, you can like dig in, dig into my hip.

Squeeze those things.

Yeah.

Get in there, dig in there.

And he did.

And he did that once.

And then I felt the pop.

There it was.

Yeah, there it was.

There.

That's why I was feeling pressure for my hips.

I got up, I went to the bathroom, and there was meconium in my water.

It's just how your labors go.

I know.

I'm like, are my baby stressed?

Like, do I stress my babies out?

Why am I having meconium?

They're just ready to come out.

I've had meconium in multiple of mine.

They're just ready to come out.

Yeah, they are.

Yeah.

But it was like a light green.

Like it wasn't like, like a tinge.

Yeah, it was a tinge.

And but I immediately was like, I just kind of immediately kind of went into like, like a little bit of panic.

Like, okay, things get more intense when your water breaks.

And now I have to go 50 minutes in the car, and I'm getting risked out of the birth center.

Like all of that was kind of hitting at one time.

So they risk you out for any meconium at all?

From my understanding, yeah.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

Which is funny, because the NICU team can actually come to the birth center.

To the birth center.

So that seems weird to me, but the NICU team can come.

Well, just because babies are born all the time, vaginally fine, completely naturally with meconium.

Like, it happens all the time.

Okay.

Well, anyway, so what did you guys decide to do?

Did you decide to go ahead and get in the car, or did you labor at home a little longer?

No, it was good time then.

I rinsed off in the shower and got dressed, but I was like, Joel ran downstairs to, I think, get everything in the car and call the birth center.

And I was starting to panic in the shower.

It was right after my water broke.

And then I got dressed, and I put on his sweatpants, because one and one fit.

You're staying fit anymore.

Yeah, exactly.

And I don't want meconium on mine.

All right, stay in his pants, not yours.

Yeah.

I started going downstairs, and I was crawling backwards down the stairs.

I was drenched in sweat.

I was like, I can't do this.

I can't do this.

So things got intense pretty quickly.

Immediately.

Yeah.

Immediately.

Water broke, I sat in the toilet, and then I was gone.

I was just kind of out of my mind.

I was just very, and I don't, looking back, I don't remember pain ever being.

It's probably a lot of pressure.

Maybe, yeah, pressure.

I just felt overwhelmed.

I didn't know, I just kept saying I couldn't do this, but I remember looking at my living room when I was on the steps.

I was like, I'm gonna go right there.

That's where I'm gonna give birth, like, I don't know.

We're having a baby in the living room.

Yeah.

And Joel's trying to call.

They didn't answer.

They're not answering the phone at the birth center.

And so I was like, well, whatever.

We're still going.

We're coming, yeah.

It's in the hospital.

They'll be there.

Somebody will be there.

Yeah.

It's not the freestanding where somebody has to come unlock the door, but yeah.

So I actually was like, once again, I think at least I do when I'm pregnant, especially I like fixate on something weird.

And I think having the back of my van all like cozy and comfy was something I like felt like fixated on.

Yeah.

Not that it was really all that cozy and comfy, but I was getting rid of like one of our big, like a big comforter that was really fluffy.

And I like had it, I put it on top of the trashcan to throw it away.

And then I was like, I'll keep that.

I'll put it in the back of the van.

And so I did that.

And I had, I don't know, probably like the MSS bags and stuff like that.

I was like the back of my van prepped.

Because I imagined laying, laboring there.

Yeah.

In the back.

Because I was like, there's no way.

Like, I don't know how people sit in their seat and labor in the car.

The back of the van laying, it would be, you know, so comfy and peaceful, which is not the case.

But in my mind, it was going to be like that.

So he got me in the back of the van, and he was on the phone with Chelsea, and which I think she was starting to like poke little red flags up beforehand when I was saying, like, they're too, you know, they're in two minutes apart.

Well, they're too short.

The peak or the intensity is like really short.

She's like, it doesn't matter.

It just matters if it's getting more intense.

Is it like, you know, it's not mild anymore.

It's so she was kind of, I think, trying to encourage like us to go anyways.

But I hopped in the back of the van.

I said I was going to puke.

He grabbed like one of those big Home Depot paint buckets.

Buckets.

Yeah.

And then we took off and I was yelling, you know, I was just still out of my mind a little bit.

And I can hear him on the phone with Chelsea, like, or he just told me.

He told me, he's like, come on, Chelsea's on speakerphone.

And I was like, I don't want to talk to Chelsea.

Like she was going to tell me I'm doing fine.

Or, you know, she was going to tell me all these things that she's supposed to tell me.

And I don't want to hear it.

But we started driving down the road.

We live in a rural, rural area.

And we get down the road.

And he's like, actually just down our road.

He's like, are we going to like the hospital?

Fifteen minutes.

Where are we going to go to the one that's closer?

And I finally just said, like, go to the one that's closer.

Like, I can't make a 15 minute drive.

Like, yeah, I think I was so panicked because I thought I had a long time to go.

I thought, like, I had been...

You were going to be feeling like that for hours.

Yes, because that's how it was with the pitocin.

Like, it was intense for a lot longer.

And so he started to head in the direction of the closer hospital.

He also like told his parents, you know, because they had our daughter.

We're heading to the hospital.

And then he like texted them, we're at Meyer's garage.

And they like, they said, they thought, like, how stupid, you didn't fill up on gas.

Like, find your friends too.

And they could see that we were at Meyer's garage.

And he's like, baby, I guess, like all these little text messages.

Because when we were in, I was in the back of the van and I never threw up.

But it was like, I was like, I heaved a couple of times, like felt like I was going to throw up.

But then that just kind of changed to the other end.

You know, yeah, the fetal ejection reflex.

And I was like, oh, I'm not throwing up.

Like, and it was like, I'm pushing.

And I was starting to like get a relief from those panicky like feelings.

I was like, felt like I could see a little bit clearer.

I had like moments of like a break.

And I was like, am I pushing?

I think I'm pushing.

And he just kept driving.

And then I like finally touched, like put my hand down on my perineum.

And I was like, oh, yeah, it's bulging.

Like I'm pushing Joel.

Like I don't want to pull over and like call the squad.

And so he pulls over at a garage station, a gas station in a car garage.

But it's on like the corner of two state routes.

And so and it is like five o'clock in the afternoon, early evening.

So everybody's getting off the shower.

Yeah.

And everybody's passing this garage station and people like there's like the workers and we're like, we're in an area that everybody knows everyone.

So we know like he knows these two people are coming up to the car.

And like, he's like, we're she's in labor.

Like, we're having the baby, we're having the baby.

But like, I knew he was in the back seat in the middle seat now.

And I knew he rolled down that window.

And I thought, like, my whole body was exposed, even though he rolled down like this much and he just took him away.

I was like, go away, like yelling at them, because I thought, like, my whole body was the trunk closed.

So you're like, enclosed in the car and enclosed.

But yeah, he rolled down the window to talk to someone and they were like offering a thing.

He had help and I was like, just go away.

Like, leave us be.

And at that point, he was on the phone with the squad or the 911.

911.

So they were like asking, they, I could hear, you know, can you ask her to get on your back?

And I was like, no.

He's like, yeah, that's, that's not going to happen.

Like she's not going to go on her back, goes on her hands and knees.

And I think they asked if he could see a head.

And he was like trying to like, I didn't realize, like my back half was in like a corner.

So he like couldn't see anything.

And so he was like trying to see, but he touched my butt.

And I was like, get off me.

You know, I was just like, it was like, why were you touching me?

I was just very frantic.

And you know, like, I think they're trying to prepare.

I'm like, okay, well, like first the head's going to come out and then the body.

And like, so he was, I had like my hands down there, I could feel her head coming.

And we talked about like, I wanted to catch if that worked out.

If not, then like maybe if he wanted to catch.

And so my hands are down there feeling her crown.

And then, you know, then she actually is born and you're bracing and he was not ready to catch.

So she just landed on that nice, soft comforter that I had in the van.

And then he just like passed her through my legs.

And yeah, she was just like that startled, newborn, wide-eyed, like looking at me.

Yeah, immediate relief.

So that was so cool.

And like, it was so cool to not push, like, this way for two hours.

Yeah, yeah, for two hours.

And like not know how to push.

It was just happening.

Like those are all things I like dreamt of.

Yeah.

And I dreamt of not having any cervical exams.

You know, those are all things that like were in my heart of like a dream birth.

And to pretty much not be bothered.

Like, I wasn't worried about anyone with this birth, you know, what people were doing, how everyone was feeling, if they were comfortable.

Yeah.

So, yeah, it was just really, really nice, minus the car.

So does then the ambulance like show up?

When did you deliver the placenta?

Like, what did all that look like?

Yeah.

First, I will say, like, Ruby was born in my arms.

I was concerned about the meconium, and I think they were like, 911 is asking if we had a bulb's fringe.

I had watched, like, birth videos in preparation to slash my obsession, but I remember seeing a birth video of a mom, like, doing the mouth to nose, like, putting her mouth over the baby and sucking, suctioning.

And so I just kind of started doing that, and then, like, yeah, she, I mean, she was breathing just fine.

She looked good, I guess, in my...

Yeah...

.

in what I thought.

And then that the EMTs came, like, probably a minute after she was born, so very shortly.

And they were pretty good.

They opened the back trunk, and, like, one of them, the late, it was a young lady, they sent her in, and she came in and just, like, sat in the back with me.

So I was, like, happy that they didn't just leave the back open, you know, like...

I was worried about being exposed and just, like...

Yeah...

.

getting really chaotic.

Um, and she was, like, okay, like, yep, I'm gonna clamp the cord, and it's like, I don't want to clamp the cord.

I don't want to cut the cord.

Like, I think I heard stories of, like, mom and baby getting separate ambulances.

As, like, they would have a, since there's two people, they had to have two ambulances.

And I said, we're riding in one, and I don't want you to cut the cord.

And she's like, yeah, no, you guys will ride in one.

Like, these are just things I was like, I guess in my brain, I'm also prepared for this.

Yes.

So they, Joel's parents, actually, were, like, arrived right at the same time as the squad, because they live right down the road.

And he was, like, told them that we were giving birth at the...

At the gas station.

Yeah.

And so the squad or the workers, whoever, they were able to hold, they held sheets up, like, white sheets, and got me, like, I got on the stretcher with Ruby on my chest.

Like, she's just hidden under my bundle of blankets.

It's, like, February.

And, yeah, we got in the car, or the squad, and I, like, asked Joel to, like, I told him, like, I wanted Joel to come, and they kind of were, like, they just didn't know, you know, it's, a lot of things were like, okay, like, but they were very, like, happy to oblige.

So Joel came.

But, you know, AMTs are there to help with, like, critical situations and save lives, and this was a very, like, natural birth, and everybody was healthy, and realistically, if I was a little bit slower, I could have just stayed home, and then I had to have the squad come or, you know, whatever.

But the EMT was, like, checking our vital signs.

She put, like, the oxygen probe on Ruby's foot, and I think she saw, like, her feet were blue, which is normal, blue or purple or whatever.

But, you know, them not, like, doing births, I think.

Yeah, I'm not familiar.

Like, she was blue.

Like, she kind of, like, got nervous.

She grabbed an oxygen mask, like, and I just kind of, like, I was a little confused, and, like, maybe she's seeing something I don't.

Like, maybe she heard something in her lungs or whatever.

But, like, I just kind of held the oxygen mask by Ruby's mouth.

And then eventually, like, the older EMT was, like, I think the baby's okay, because she was kind of getting, like, rigorous, like, with her, like, she was just a little panicked.

So that was, like, I'm glad I, in theory, knew things were okay.

Otherwise, it would have been pretty stressful, like, thinking something was wrong.

She also massaged my uterus for, like, 15 minutes, like, nonstop.

And I was, like, I couldn't, like, talk, and I finally, like, mustered up, like, enough to, like, say, can you please, like, take a break?

And she's like, yeah, you have no bleeding.

I was like, okay.

Oh, my gosh.

She just, they just didn't know, you know.

She's like, not on my watch.

You're not going to bleed on my watch.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

And we got to the hospital, and this is the hospital that I wasn't, like, registered at.

That was closest.

Yeah.

So Chelsea had ended up, like, she called the hospital, gave them all my information that she knew, like, as far as, like, my health and birth and all of that.

And she met us there, and so did the home birth midwife student.

And actually, the squad didn't know where the labor and delivery was, and they, like, pulled into, like, the wrong area.

So Chelsea, like, runs over and, like, waves them down, like, you know, do it in so many ways that you're just, like, yeah, you got them in the right spot.

And yeah, postpartum, I mean, immediate postpartum was just kind of chaotic.

I did, I had an OB that I didn't know, and she's like, you know, my first birth was with an epidural, so I didn't feel the placenta or all these, like, I was numb, so it was just a lot more comfortable.

And I was like, my tailbone hurt really bad, like, sitting.

She was kind of tugging on my placenta, and I was nervous that she was, like, going to rush things and, like, you know, the cork was going to snap or something.

Like, it just didn't have a lot of faith, like, trust, because I didn't know them.

Yeah.

And I also chose not to go to that hospital, like, for multiple reasons.

But I was very proud of her because a nurse came up and she was like, I have, like, pitocin.

Like, I have this shot, I'm going to put it in your leg.

And that was something I thought about, but I just never made up my mind officially, like, if I wanted to get pitocin injection after.

And so that was like, OK.

And then the doctor stopped her and she's like, she has, like, no bleeding.

She doesn't need that.

I was like, oh, I'm so proud, like, thank you.

Not giving an intervention when one's not needed.

And yeah, but it was like a little bit chaotic.

I remember, like, kind of laying there and, like, after the placenta was delivered, I didn't have any tearing.

And I was kind of like, where's my ice pack?

Like, my first experience with Maria was like, they washed me down, they, like, put an ice pack on and, like, tucked me in and got me all prepped and ready.

And then I got my baby.

It kind of worked out.

Like, yes, immediate skin to skin is great, but, like, it just, like, it was okay.

Because, like, I got cleaned up, I got sat up, and I felt like I could hold my baby.

Where now I'm like, my butt hurts.

Like, I feel like you didn't clean me off.

Like, I just felt, like, kind of left.

And so I was, like, telling my husband and Chelsea and the midwife.

And so they were asking for an ice pack.

But these people were just like, I showed up.

You know, they don't have my information.

They were scattered.

I can't fault them.

But sort of, like, the little things.

I'm like, I kind of want to go to the bathroom.

I miss my ice pack.

I want my ice pack.

I love that thing with my first postpartum.

Yeah, I was obsessed with the ice pack.

I want to, yeah, I want to clean up a little so that I can, like, enjoy my baby because I just feel like...

So, and that's, like, something else I felt.

Like, I listened in stories, like, hearing people talk about feeling kind of guilty for not wanting, like, the full golden hour or whatever.

And I guess, like, yeah, it just says, like, no.

Like, I also, like, in so many ways that you advocate for yourself at your birth, like, it's okay to also, like, okay, now, I need, like, I just need a minute, like, that was a lot.

I need to, like, clean up really fast and I need to get comfortable.

And, like, and I can enjoy my baby, like, right up on me.

So, yeah, they did get, I think she went to Joel really quick.

And then I was much better, like, after I got situated.

But, yeah, and immediate postpartum again was, like, really good.

I heal really well.

Like, I don't have tearing.

I don't have excessive bleeding or clots.

I have, like, a lot of tailbone pain.

And I always end up with back problems because I have no abs and, you know, you just kind of, like, after you have the baby.

I think I try and whatever.

But early postpartum was pretty good again.

A little bit of crying, but, like...

Normal.

Yeah.

Normal.

And I actually, my friend had set up, like, a nesting party when I was, like, 35 weeks.

Oh, that's sweet.

Yeah, that was really nice of her, and it was perfect because I don't like cooking.

I don't like planning meals.

It's something that stresses me out.

So that's pretty much all we did.

We made a lot of food, and I was really set up for that.

And we spent a lot of time at Joel's parents because, you know, within those six weeks, early postpartum, they were tearing up our floor, and it was very chaotic in a lot of ways.

But also, God just allowed us to still be able to be calm and to find a place that was comfortable.

And when things weren't necessarily ideal, it was still just all very manageable.

And she's a chiller baby, so that's kind of nice.

Well, that's good.

Different from your first daughter, then?

Yeah.

Yeah.

My first daughter loves her little sister.

It was a really hard adjustment because she's attached to mom.

Right.

But, yeah, she's accepting of dad.

So what do you feel like God taught you through all of those experiences, through your first and then your miscarriage and then your second daughter?

Like, what do you feel like he was speaking to you and teaching you through those experiences?

I had, like I said, so much I needed to control so much.

I like, you know, with my first.

And I think there was just so much that was out of my control with my second.

And also a lot more just like kind of surrendering, which I think that was one thing that drove me to your podcast.

Like, I think I listened to one.

And I'm like, and it's it's a Christian podcast.

Like we talk about God.

And I just loved that word.

And I think I held that word at the end of my pregnancy with Ruby and like surrendering.

And because I also felt once again, like I had been through so much that year that I wasn't sure if like emotionally, I could handle a natural birth and I was going to be OK with that.

Like, you know, I guess like, I just thought maybe I would be like not emotionally ready with like loss of a baby.

Ezra and my dad, and actually my dad's very close brother right before Ruby was born.

So there was like just a lot of loss and a lot of emotions.

And so I did really like, I think I found your podcast at the end of, towards the end of Ruby's pregnancy.

And so I just like kind of clung to that word, surrender and letting it, accepting it and letting, like knowing that he has his hands in it all.

You know, I like know, I struggle with my relationship with him, like talking with him and just spending more time with him.

But I think like I look back through my experiences and I can see like in hindsight, like I can see like he is there.

And he's just waiting for me, you know, to like invite him in.

And so I love listening to your podcast too, and just listening to other people's stories.

I love hearing other people's experiences because it helps me like, okay, like I'm like bring my focus back.

Yeah, I think instead of worrying that like I'm not praying enough and I'm not doing enough, like I'm trying to rest and like what he's giving me.

Like, I think I used to like really just, yeah, just get down that I'm like not verbalizing my prayers or sitting in quiet time enough.

But quiet time is really hard for me.

My brain is pretty busy.

And so I've started to recognize like, hey, I get like really good things out of like just having conversations with people.

And like maybe God just talks to me more through through others.

And like recognizing that, that's all kind of a new thing for me.

And so like, I like listening to stories with him getting like the recognition.

I have like my close friend who like I just like started recognizing like, I just really think like he speaks to me a lot through her.

And like, yeah, looking for him more.

Instead of trying to like do what I think I'm supposed to be doing, I guess, if that makes sense.

Yeah, I mean, I can relate.

I get like, definitely, I mean, as moms, right?

We always have like a thousand things running through our minds, and we're always thinking about like ten things at once.

And it's very easy to get distracted or, you know, whatever when we're praying, especially if we're trying to have like this focused time of prayer.

I find that if I'm not like audibly speaking out loud my prayers, even sometimes when I am, or if I'm not writing, like journaling my prayers, then I get like very quickly, I'll be like, oh, sorry, God, sorry, God, back on track, back on track.

So for me, like, cause I'll pray a lot while I'm walking with my kids or like, you know, pushing the baby in the stroller or whatever.

And if I'm not saying it out loud, then I'm like, oh, oh, that's right.

That's right.

We were talking, Lord.

You and I were talking.

That's what we were doing.

I was not thinking about the 10,000 things I need to do today.

So for me, I find like journaling my prayers helps me stay like the most focused for sure.

Like is just when I'm journaling those prayers, like in terms of like me speaking to the Lord, in terms of him speaking to me, gosh, there's like, if we listen, like if we're super intentional about listening, like he's always speaking, is speaking through other people, speaking through worship music, speaking through his word, like getting into his word.

And I know like as busy, exhausted moms who nurse all night and work and do different things during the day, it's like, how am I gonna have this time to sit down and listen?

But whenever I do, just being very intentional about opening his word and saying like, Lord, show me, speak to me.

Whatever I read today, like talk to me.

Like get through to me what you're trying to say to me through your word.

Cause like his word is alive.

I did like this giveaway for the one year anniversary of last month.

And one of the things I gave away was the busy mom's Bible because I feel like I don't know very many moms who aren't, you know, who don't have like a thousand things on their plate all the time between their kids and their home and their husbands.

And if they're working or running businesses or whatever, it's just, it is so much.

But yeah, sorry that I tangented there for just a second.

Advice.

Do you have any advice for any moms?

Any pregnant mamas?

Any moms wanting to get pregnant?

Like anybody, really?

Is there anything you'd want to say or anything?

Any final thoughts?

What would you say?

Yeah, I think exposing yourself.

Like I think, well, having like a few friends that kind of just like go with the flow, like, you know, I'm going to do what my doctor says.

And having respect for your doctors and everything is really wonderful.

But also, like, it's just a minimal exposure, like getting a story and just hearing like what birth can be like natural, you know, just like a broad picture, just getting some sort of knowledge on your own, like a little bit of research, anything to kind of if they're hesitant.

I'm assuming if they're listening to your podcast, maybe they're already on that road, which would be good.

But I really liked, I guess, advice.

Like, I really enjoyed the Christian Hypno-Breathing app for the reasons like it just kept giving you the Bible verses and like speaking his word.

And even if I was like kind of struggling to like, I can't hear the whole thing.

I'm not getting it.

I'm not retaining.

But like, if it's just a word, you know, listen to that word for whatever reason, that's your word.

That's what he's telling you.

Yeah, I've learned a lot.

I think what I've learned is about my mom gut.

And that's really neat.

And that starts, you know, before you become a mom, it starts with like your fertility journey.

You know, like God gave you this like intuition to, you know, you can speak through that as well.

And like, you stick up for yourself with like, wanting to get the proper care in your health and your fertility and like your pregnancy, you know, asking all the questions.

And if something doesn't agree with you, like searching elsewhere, getting other opinions.

You know, I had like, you know, all the things in my first labor and nothing traumatic happened, of course, which I'm so blessed.

But I was like really nice to also be able to advocate for myself in that first birth.

And like, I just felt like I was taking care of my baby, you know, already, like asking for more time, you know, just to consider like whatever options they're bringing to the table.

And yeah, I don't know, listening to that intuition and mom gut is, and you know, postpartum, it's scary, you know, like trying to care for a newborn and not knowing like anything, if you don't know anything about newborns, but you're still given that gut, if something doesn't feel right.

And learning to listen to that, because it's really easy to like see what social media is telling you.

And, you know, I fought that battle.

To be a good enough mom.

And my dear friend Chelsea reminded me, like, you know, God gave you these, this is your baby, and he chose you as the mother, and he chose you for a reason.

And that has, like, I was like, okay.

Like, any of my mess-ups, like, he knows, like, he knows everything, and he still shows me to be this child's mom, and I'm gonna accept that.

And that is, like, good enough.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, thank you.

Thank you for coming on.

Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for your stories and your heart.

And I really, I really appreciate this very much.

So I'm very thankful for you guys and all your time, all the work you're doing.

Thank you so much for listening to today's episode.

You can reach me at Surrendered Birth Services on Instagram or email me at contact at surrenderedbirthservices.com.

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So, please continue to see your personal care provider as needs arise.

We hope you have a great week.

And remember, learn all that you can, make the best plans, and then leave it in God's hands.

He did finally kind of, he started timing them.

Was your goal to stay at home?

Was that your dog?

Yeah.

Sorry.

Sorry, dog.

You must have seen something outside.

Yeah.