047 -Witnessing Your Adopted Child's Birth: The Blessings and Unforeseen Emotions of Adoption (with Allie Bathalon)

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SHOW NOTES:

At 16 years old you're told that you most likely won’t be able to have children. Then by 18 you’re married to your high school sweetheart, and by 19 you’re pregnant with your first child, and soon facing postpartum depression head on-what a huge change in a matter of a few years. Listen in on Allie’s story as she shares with us how God met her through that depression, and put people in her path to help her along the way. Her relationship with Him grew as she went on to have a second child, and then adopt a third. This story has so many highlights I can’t begin to describe them all so you’ll just have to listen for yourself!

Want to connect with us? Have a question?
Shoot us a DM at @surrenderedbirthservices on Instagram, and give us a follow while you're there!

TRANSCRIPT:

Hi, and welcome to another episode of Surrendered Birth Stories.

Birth Stories, Birth Education, and the Pursuit of Surrendering It All to God.

Let's get started.

Hi guys, I hope your week is off to a great start.

Mine is, now that I am not working on my daughter's bedroom, we did a makeover or a redecoration, remodel, I don't know what you want to call it, of her bedroom while she was out of town.

She spent the week with her grandparents in Ohio, her and her younger brother, our oldest son.

They were there together, and she didn't know it, but the whole week we were working on her bedroom, and I thought it would take a lot less time than it did, or I thought maybe I would have a lot more time than I had.

But we realized we really couldn't work on it during the day with the three littles here, and so it was always at night after they were in bed, and I had like four things going on at night that week.

So anyways, we finally got it done, made it happen, and I know last night my husband and I looked at each other and were like, oh, this is so nice that we're not working on her bedroom right now.

She's home, she's in it, she's excited.

We moved it from basically, it was still kind of like a little girl's bedroom, like bubblegum pink walls and nursery decor, and just like, just little.

And she was really growing out of that.

She's very much a tween now.

She's 10 and a half, but I mean, wow.

She's just really growing up, and we wanted A, to just like clean out and reorganize and all that kind of stuff.

But B, also just kind of give her a room that was more fitting for her age and stage and everything.

So if you want to see it, I actually made a little reel about it.

It's on my Instagram, not Surrendered Birth Services Instagram, but my Kayla Heater Instagram, my personal one.

So you can pop on over there to see it, but it was cute.

It was fun.

I enjoyed having a creative outlet.

I painted all these canvases by hand to decorate her walls with, and we painted this really fun rainbow, not like a Roy G.

Biv rainbow, but just kind of like a cool retro color rainbow on her wall.

And it was just good.

It was fun.

I'm glad it's over, but it's done.

It's good, and we're happy about it.

All right.

Now, if you haven't left a review for this show yet, now would be a great time to do that.

I feel like every podcast you listen to, they're like, oh, give us a rating review and all that.

But it's real.

It's because it's real, and it helps.

It really does help the show.

It helps more people see it and listen to it, which is my heart.

I really want people's hearts and lives and minds to be changed by the show for the better, for their faith and for their births and their experiences and everything.

So if you would just take a second and review the show.

And if you're not following the show, go ahead and click follow.

It's just like, I think on Apple, it's just like that little plus sign on the show, and that's all you have to do.

It's really simple.

But we would love, love, love if you could do that.

It would help other people be able to hear it, just like you're listening to it, which would be great.

Now, let's get into this week's episode.

At 16 years old, you're told that you most likely won't be able to have children.

Then by 18, you're married to your high school sweetheart.

And by 19, you're pregnant with your first child.

And soon, facing postpartum depression head on.

What a huge change in a matter of just a few years.

Listen to Allie's story as she shares with us how God met her through that depression and put people in her path to help her along the way.

Her relationship with him grew as she went on to have a second child and then adopt a third.

This story has so many highlights, I can't begin to describe them all, so you'll just have to listen for yourself.

Well, welcome to another episode of Surrendered Birth Stories.

I am your host, Kayla Heater, and I am excited to have Alexandria with me today.

Why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself?

Tell us a little bit about you, your family, and your life, just so we can get to know you a little bit.

Yeah, I would love to.

So, I'm Alexandria, or Allie, whichever is easier.

I am married to my high school sweetheart.

We met when we were 16.

We got married when we were 18, and we've been together almost 10 years now.

We have three kids, ages 7, 3, and 11 months now, which is just one by really fast.

But we live in North Carolina on a couple acres with a little holistic farm in Homestead.

We have dairy goats, we have chickens, we have ducks, pigs, and it's just super fun.

And yeah, that's kind of in the short of what we do.

I'm also a doula and birth photographer, so that's my fun little thing on the side.

I didn't know that.

So where in North Carolina are you?

We live in Walnut Cove, it's in Stokes County.

That's funny, that's where my mom lives, actually.

But cool, I didn't know you were a doula or a photographer.

That's wonderful.

Yeah, it's so fun.

It's awesome to be in the birth space.

Well, that's good to know.

I always like to know the other doulas in town, because especially for backups and stuff like that, too.

Always needed.

Okay, well, let's jump in then to your first story.

So what was it like finding out you were pregnant for the first time?

How did that experience go?

We were honestly completely shocked.

We were told that due to my diagnosis of PCOS, which is polycystic ovarian syndrome, one of the big symptoms I guess you could say is infertility to some extent.

And as a 16-year-old, when I found out, I kind of just listened to whatever my primary care physician was telling me, and she told me that just so you know, it means you probably won't have kids.

And I was just totally distraught because that's all I knew I wanted to do.

I didn't know what career path I wanted.

I had no idea.

I just knew I wanted to be a mom.

So when we got married at 18, we immediately started trying.

We did get pregnant first try, and we did lose that baby at eight weeks.

And that was really hard.

And then immediately after that, we got pregnant and he stuck, and that's our first.

So we really weren't planning on getting pregnant at all, and especially not as fast as we did.

So it was just complete disbelief that it was even happening.

It was just like a roller coaster from there.

Well, I'm sorry your provider ever told you that.

Yeah.

And now that I have experienced more and I know more, I know that's absolutely not true, but that was just the initial explanation.

So you're pregnant.

So that's amazing.

So what was that pregnancy like then?

I mean, you said you had always wanted to be a mom and to have kids.

Had you learned anything about pregnancy or birth or anything before that?

So I had done a lot of research, but of course, Google can only be trusted so much.

I did know right away that I wanted a midwife, and at this time, we did not live in North Carolina.

We lived in Vermont, and so midwives, even CPMs practice in hospitals there.

So I began seeing just a big team of midwives that I knew would deliver at the hospital that we had chose.

I didn't know a ton about what I wanted, and there was this really cool program called Nurse-Family Partnership, and they sent a nurse out every once a month throughout my entire pregnancy to just go through any questions and check on me.

She checked blood pressure and everything, just so that way I had kind of like a closer to home resource.

So whenever anything came up, she was just so helpful.

She actually came every month until my son was two as well.

It was just such a cool resource, and I would say that definitely saved me.

But as far as like how the pregnancy went, it was really hard.

I actually stopped working just about immediately when I found out that I was pregnant.

I get really, really sick, and I'm going to mess up what it's called.

Do you have hyperemesis gravidarum?

That.

Yeah.

You can just say HG, and we understand what you're saying.

Perfect.

So I have HG when I'm pregnant pretty much the entire time, and I was just so sick, and I didn't even know that's what it was at the time.

I lost, I think, almost 35 pounds in the first three months.

I was absolutely so sick.

There's no way I could have worked, and I haven't since in a traditional sense.

And so it was just really hard.

It was very lonely.

A lot of people did not think that I should have even gotten married when we did.

We knew the Lord, but we did not have a relationship with God at that time.

And so it's just a very lonely pregnancy.

My mom was a huge supporter of everything that we've always done, my husband and I.

And so that was amazing.

My husband is...

But it was just definitely a very lonely time to be 18 or 19, pregnant, and just not feeling the greatest.

Yeah, I can imagine.

So your mom was close then, like lived close by?

She was about an hour and a half away.

Okay, it's better than states.

Yeah.

States away.

Were you planning any certain type of birth, or were you just gonna say like, let's go to the hospital and see what happens when we get there?

So I had two sister-in-laws who were pregnant at the same time.

They were also pretty supportive.

One actually lived in the same apartment building right down the hall with her older daughter.

And so that was really fun, a good distraction.

But both of them had previous C-sections, and then the one that gave birth before me, all of us had boys within six months of each other, had another C-section.

And so they were kind of the only people I knew who had given birth that were close to me.

And so I just assumed that all birth ended in C-sections.

Oh, wow.

So I spoke with my nurse that was coming to the house.

Her name was Stacey, and I spoke with her, and I was just like, I don't really want to put any pressure on myself to go, like for it to go any certain way.

I didn't even make a birth plan.

There were certain things I didn't want to happen, specifically like after the baby was born.

But I was like, I'm not making a birth plan.

I don't want anything to do with it, because if it goes wrong, I don't want to be upset.

So we just kind of like went into it, like hopefully this all works out.

I really don't know.

My son was born two weeks late.

It was hot.

It was July.

Even in Vermont, it gets hot and humid.

I was so done.

I was done being sick.

I was done being pregnant.

Just overall done.

And of course, like giving birth in a traditional like hospital setting, as soon as you hit that 42 weeks, they're kind of like, OK, like, let's get this baby out.

And I was like, you know what?

I'm all for that.

Please get this out of me.

Like, I'm done with this.

So I'm surprised, honestly, that they even didn't pressure you before 42 weeks.

Yeah, I did a lot of NSTs, but they did let me go to 42.

And I was the one who called.

They were kind of OK with me going.

I was kind of pushing for me to like just go in naturally.

But I ended up calling when I was 41 and 5.

And I was like, hey, if he doesn't come this weekend, can I come in for an induction on Monday?

Because at this point, I'm not sleeping.

I'm not keeping food down.

I just don't feel good.

And they were like, yeah, absolutely, come in anytime after 7 in the morning.

So we got there.

We opted for servadil first, didn't really do anything, had never felt the brassin hic, like absolutely nothing.

He was in a great position though.

And I was already dilated to 3 centimeters when we got there.

So I was really hopeful, but I didn't want to get my hips up quite yet.

And then around 4 in the afternoon, they gave me a pitocin drip, and things just immediately picked up, got really intense.

And I think I made it about 4 hours with back-to-back contractions, completely naturally.

I had hit about 8 centimeters and I just, I didn't really, I didn't have a doula.

I didn't have someone there who was just like, you can do this, like, let's do this, because that's really what I needed and what I wanted.

But my husband saw how much pain I was in, and I was just like, get me an doula right now.

And he was like, okay.

So he just like immediately like ran out in the hall, asked them, and of course, they kind of do all like the paperwork beforehand.

So it was a pretty fast process.

Immediately got some relief, and I actually like, I felt like I actually slept for the first time in like a month.

Just for like four hours.

It was so nice.

I wish I hadn't done it, but also at the same time, I was so grateful for it.

It was a tool in that moment that I really needed.

And so we all kind of just rested.

And then around 2.30 in the morning, I just kind of like felt like my epidural was kind of wearing off.

You know, I had like the button I could push if I wanted more.

It was kind of wearing off, and I just kind of felt like that.

I don't know, I felt like a feeling.

And like now knowing what I know, it was transition.

It was time.

Well, they came and checked and like his head was like right there.

So I think I only pushed like maybe four times, and he came out eight pounds, seven and a half ounces, super healthy, all considering he did have a five-day NICU stay for fluid in his lungs.

So that was also kind of a little bit scary as like a first-time parent.

It was just like one minute he was there and the next minute they were like, he looks really blue and like just kind of took him.

And that was really traumatic for my husband because he was sleeping through the whole thing when they came and got him.

And I was just like, my poor husband, because he...

Wait, sleeping through what whole thing?

We were kind of like, we were in our recovery room already.

And then they noticed a couple hours later that our son was looking a little blue and purple.

So my husband was getting some rest, and I just really didn't want to wake him up.

I would say he also had a traumatic birth in some way.

He didn't handle it quite as well as we had hoped, had his own nurse for it.

And so I was like, I'll just let him sleep.

I bet they're just going to take him to the nursery and check on him, make sure everything's good.

And then they came back and they were admitting him to the NICU.

And I was like, oh, so that kind of leads into our second birth in a little bit, but just the trauma of that NICU stay, it really stuck with us more than we thought it did.

So were you able to go up and visit him like right away, like your son?

Yes, we were in there pretty much the whole time.

We did a lot of skin to skin, and we did start, we were able to start nursing, which is really great.

And I had pumped to try and get where we're going.

So I had some colostrums saved at home, which someone was able to go back and grab for me.

We were able to give that to him when he wasn't able to nurse in the beginning.

So overall, it was like a really calm and good NICU experience.

It just, again, wasn't what we were expecting at all.

It wasn't even like a possibility in our minds because I thought only small babies went to the NICU.

It was a giant compared to the rest of them.

Yeah, but then once they got the fluid out, once he was breathing fine, you guys were all able to go home.

And then what was that postpartum like then as a 19-year-old mom who doesn't know a lot of people who have babies and probably a lot of your friends, I'm guessing, didn't have babies yet.

So what was that like, that first postpartum?

So the first postpartum was really terrible.

I kind of knew but did not want to admit that I had postpartum depression really, really badly.

It got to the point where I just did not want to exist.

I didn't want to be his mom.

And he was a great baby.

Such a good baby, not that any baby is a bad baby, but just so easygoing.

Nursing was a little rough once we got home, but it went so well.

And so I just felt like I had no right to have postpartum depression.

And so I just really kind of like stuffed that down.

And that's kind of where like God met me, was like at the absolute lowest of lows that I've ever felt.

The beginning of motherhood, wanting to just die is where God was like, let's get up and let's do this.

We got to do this together.

And it really affected our marriage because my husband had no idea how to deal with it.

He had a really unhealthy view on mental health.

His mom suffers from bipolar, and his dad just like ignored it.

So it just really affected our marriage.

The first outing I ever, other than a lactation appointment or something like that with our son Lucas, the first time I ever got out of the house, just the two of us, was a friend invited me to go to Mops, which is Moms of Preschoolers.

And it was 45 minutes away.

Vermont's a very unchurched state, so that was kind of like the closest church that we were willing or comfortable to go to of our denomination.

And I went, and I just like, I lost it.

It was just like the breaking point.

I didn't think I was ever going to recover.

Here's this like 19-year-old mom, like I was so worried about what everyone was thinking of me in that moment, but I also at the same time felt really held.

And so that just continued.

I went every week, and that's kind of like where my relationship started with God, was just learning how to be like a godly mom.

And around, I think my son was almost two, is when I was feeling better personally, and like my mental health was getting better, but also my husband and I hadn't really recovered from just the trauma and stress of like what postpartum depression did to our family.

You know, it's kind of hard to like, ignore the fact like your wife didn't want to live.

And so we just hit like this really rough patch.

We didn't think we were going to last.

The divorce word was there now.

Like it was just, it was a really bad place.

And then I was at Mops again, and we were talking about like letting our husbands lead our home.

And I was like, absolutely not.

I'm not doing that.

Like that's ridiculous because I grew up in a household where men were not nice.

They were really abusive.

And so I was like, I'm not giving my husband any more control than I have to.

This is absurd.

And he texted me and said, hey, I got approved to work from home.

We can move.

And I was like, what?

No, we're not moving.

Like, absolutely not.

And he was like, just hear me out.

So he got home from work, and we talked about it.

And I was like, OK, we're doing it.

We're moving.

And so within three months, we were in North Carolina.

Why did you want to move?

Vermont's just very...

I mean, it was the lack of the Christian community.

So we only had that one place that was really far away.

There's not a lot of young people in Vermont.

And some of our family relationships are just really toxic, and it was really, really expensive to live there.

So this was something y'all have previously talked about, like, one day we'll move out of Vermont.

More or less in a joking sense, I didn't actually think it was ever going to be taken seriously.

You know, when you're struggling financially, you're like, oh my gosh, I wish I could do this.

Like, just pick up and move somewhere cheaper.

And he just...

He did.

He rolled with it.

He did.

So why North Carolina?

One of my older brothers had moved down here, but also the big thing was just the cheaper cost of living.

A single income of, I think at that time, it was like $25,000 a year in Vermont.

It's just we were struggling.

Yeah.

So we ended up in North Carolina, and now we've been here for five years.

Oh, so you moved when your son was two?

Yes.

Now, it sounds like that Mops community was really like your support during that time.

So what was that like leaving your support?

Were you able to immediately plug in and find like a new supportive community down here?

Or was that transition difficult for you at all?

The transition was really hard.

All of my family lives in Vermont still.

We weren't super close with my husband's family, but the church community, like leaving them was really hard.

At Mops, we kind of, at least to ours, we kind of broke out into smaller groups, and there was an older, experienced mom or maybe even grandmother who kind of just facilitated those small groups.

And so leaving my mentor mom was really hard because I knew no matter what, she was like, she was there and she was praying for me 24-7, like whenever I needed her, she was there.

So leaving her was really hard, and leaving my mom was also really hard, but it was just this, it was like my flesh did not want to leave.

There was nothing about me that wanted to leave Vermont.

That was like my comfort zone, but something.

And like now I know like it was, it was all God, like just was like, just let your husband take over, like just let this happen, try it, see how it goes.

And so we ended up here and we did, we immediately started searching for churches, which was so cool because there's literally like 50 on every street.

Yes, welcome to the Bible Belt.

It was so cool to see how many churches there were.

And we just kind of checked them out.

And we found one based off of my, I put it out there, I think on a Facebook group, like, hey, looking for a Mops group, because I really wanted to get plugged back in.

And someone said, we don't do Mops, we do Moms, which is like Moms of many seasons.

Oh, that's cute.

And I was like, I am there.

So I started going to that every week, and that ended up being the church that we started out at here in North Carolina.

And again, it just started with a really great community of moms who had experienced many things and were willing to just lift each other up in prayer and support whenever.

That's great.

So now you're in North Carolina, and you have your toddler, Lucas.

Were you guys planning on having your second?

Or how did that all go down?

I was planning on having our second for a long time.

But my husband wasn't so sure.

I think it was, had a lot to do with just how pregnancy goes for me.

He was really worried about that.

So we just kind of, I kind of waited for him to initiate the, hey, maybe we should start trying again.

And so it was right in the middle, right when COVID started.

And something in his brain was like, let's do this.

And I was like, you're nuts.

Are you sure now is the time?

And so again, we were kind of expecting it to take a long time for us to get pregnant, and it happened first try.

And that was our daughter, Aurora.

That pregnancy, my HG did not last the whole time.

I still lost a lot of weight in the first two trimesters, but by the third, I actually felt a lot better.

I also again decided that I wanted to see midwives.

I really wanted a home birth, but that's where the NICU trauma kind of came in for my husband.

He was like, absolutely not, we need to be close by just in case something happens again.

So we just were like, we're going to try and do everything as naturally as possible.

We know a lot more about birth.

We know a lot more about the rights that I have, and we're just going to try and do this in a hospital setting during COVID.

And so I was also so sure, I was like, I'm going to have to be induced again.

Little did I know that second babies come usually earlier.

I was like, they can, not necessarily.

Sometimes.

And she was breech, another just like complete god thing.

We had to fully rely on him.

When I was 38 weeks, I went in, or sorry, 36 weeks, I went in for an appointment with her.

And she was still head up, feet down, like completely breech.

And so they immediately were like, okay, we're gonna have to schedule a C-section, because if she doesn't turn at this point, she's not, like statistically, she's not going to.

And I was like, you know what, I don't really know if I believe you.

So I started doing my own research, and statistically, that is accurate.

Most babies, once you're past like 36, 37 weeks, they don't typically turn.

So I just like went in for my next appointment.

When I was like crying, I was like, I don't want a c-section.

Like, I do not want that.

And they were like, okay, well, they gave me the number for a chiropractor who we still go to.

And it was the first time I ever had prenatal chiropractic.

It was absolutely amazing.

I started doing that.

I was doing spinning babies.

I was doing the mild circuit.

I did acupressure, acupuncture.

I did everything possible to get this baby to turn.

And on the day I turned 39 weeks, I felt this crazy movement.

As I was doing the last step in the mild circuit, which is just laying on your side, and I was just sobbing.

I was like, I'm hot, I'm tired.

I'm chasing a toddler around.

I don't want to do this.

Am I just supposed to have a C-section?

Because we're kind of pushing it now.

I'm 39 weeks.

And they're not going to deliver a breech baby in a hospital.

And I felt this crazy movement.

I immediately called my midwife.

And I was like, I think the baby turned.

And so I got in later that afternoon.

And she was like, you're right.

She turned.

And I was like, praise Jesus.

And they were like, if she's had enough room in there to move today to the correct position, she could move back to breech.

And I was like, you're really killing my vibe here.

I was really excited.

And so then at that point, it was like, get this baby out.

I was like, absolutely every measure I could to just get her out and start labor naturally before she turned again.

So I kept doing all the things that I didn't want to keep doing.

And I was 39 and two.

So it's two days later.

And I just started like, I was puking.

I was in the bathroom all day.

And I called my in-laws.

I was like, you have to come get Lucas because I can't be this sick.

Wait, is your in-laws, were they close by?

Yes, sorry.

They moved halfway through my pregnancy with my daughter down here.

Well, that's good.

So we finally had some family around, which was really cool.

So we did have like a really supportive church community, too.

I felt pretty good about it.

But again, we were, I mean, a pregnancy alone again, it felt kind of lonely.

In the middle of COVID stuff, too.

Yeah.

And so 39 and 2, it hit, and I posted in our local Crunchy Moms group, and I was like, remedies, like, throw them at me right now, because I cannot stop thinking.

And everyone was like, I guarantee you're going to come back here in 24 hours and tell us that you had a baby.

I'm just like, you guys are ridiculous.

I am not.

Like, I am not in labor.

I don't feel anything.

I just have a stomach bug.

And I need you to actually tell me what I can do about it.

And lo and behold, two in the morning, I like woke up and I went pee.

And then I was like, oh, okay.

And I had never experienced labor because my first was induced.

So I had an experience like going into labor naturally.

It gives me chills.

It was just such a cool experience.

And within like 20 minutes, I woke my husband.

I was like, I'm in labor.

Call the midwife.

Because you were having contractions?

Yeah.

And so he called.

I was like, we left a message.

I was like, go shower, because I know you're going to be grumpy if you don't get a shower and you have to go to the hospital.

So you go shower and then check on me.

I'm going to try and lay down.

And I mean, like five minutes later, they were like every two minutes, really intense.

We left.

I like barely walked.

It was more like a walk bear crawl type slumped against the wall, like the hospital.

And they were like, Are you in labor?

And I was like, Yes, I am.

Is it not obvious?

And so they got me into labor and delivery triage.

And they were like, Oh, my gosh, you're eight and a half centimeters.

I was like, Okay, cool.

And we're like, Yeah, you're definitely doing this.

Let's get you into a room.

And so at that point, it's only 330.

So it's been an hour and a half since contraction started.

Wow, that's fast.

Everything was just really chaotic.

And then she was born at 345.

Oh, wow.

So you're only even there for like 15 minutes.

So labor in itself was like less than two hours.

It was crazy.

We barely made it there.

It was such a cool experience.

And it was where like my love for birth like really started, because I had never experienced like that power.

Even that high after giving birth was just like nothing else.

I was like, If you could bottle this stuff up, imagine.

And she was totally healthy.

We requested to leave the hospital at 24 hours.

Nothing was wrong.

It was just flawless.

It was so redemptive.

And had we not just trusted God was going to have a plan with this, we would have had a C-section three weeks prior.

Yeah.

And so it was just so cool to like see that because we trusted that God had a plan and really just tried to stay as quiet as we could throughout all of it.

Got that amazing experience at the end.

And then postpartum with her, same thing, really bad postpartum depression, but we really, we knew more about it.

We were on top of it.

I started counseling, I think, when she was two weeks old and my husband knew how to support me through it.

He also got 12 weeks off from work.

She was just incredible and so helpful.

And so the postpartum experience was just, it was still really hard, but it was different knowing how to support myself and how to ask for help.

Anytime anyone was like, Hey, what do you need?

I was like, I just need you to make me dinner.

I do not have the mental capacity to make myself a good meal.

And my body needs something, which is something I never would have done with my first.

So I encourage all moms now to just really be unashamed and just ask for help in whatever way you need.

And also be okay saying like, Hey, I don't need you to hold the baby.

I'm actually bonding with this baby.

Don't hold my baby right now.

Please go hold my laundry.

Because it's ridiculous that, I mean, as a first time mom, I was just like, Oh, sure, that's helpful.

Hold my baby.

It wasn't helpful at all.

Yeah.

Like no way was that helpful to me.

I wanted to hold my baby.

I wanted to be near him.

And I just think it's so important to be able to ask for help.

And so that having that first experience really set me up for greater success in the postpartum with my second.

I agree.

And I teach childbirth classes.

And when we talk about postpartum, I always tell them in part of like, you know, helping with postpartum depression or like preventing it and whatever you can do to stay on top of it, I tell them to charge admittance to see your baby.

And by that, I mean, they can't just come over and see the baby.

They need to bring food, or they need to do your laundry, or do your dishes, or, you know, sweet vacuum, or hang out with your toddler or your other kids.

Like, come to support you and your family and not just hold the baby.

And I'm like, holding the baby is the very last thing I need you to do.

Literally the easiest thing.

And I tell people this, like, my client's the same thing.

Like, make sure you have maybe, like, a laminated list of the things that you know are important to you and your mental health to get done every single day.

So, like, maybe it's a load of laundry, emptying the dishwasher, refilling the dishwasher, prepping breakfast for the morning, your toddler taking a bath.

Like, whatever those things are, have that laminated somewhere, or even just, like, multiple sheets of it just printed off, stick it on the front door if you have to.

And, like, if those things are not done, like, no one gets to hold your baby.

That is, you need help with those things.

You know, you just birthed a baby.

You know how to hold that baby.

You've been holding that baby for nine months.

Well, and especially right after, you know, you need to be resting and laying and nursing and skin to skin, not, you know, up doing laundry and dishes and sweeping and stuff.

Yes.

And I also think it's really important to, especially if you don't have a spouse at home, you know, I was, like, very lucky that my husband was able to stay home for that long period of time.

And he also works from home now.

But if you don't have someone who's doing that, those things are just, they can make the world of difference.

Like, just, you know, if you do get out of bed, like going out and seeing that, like, there's not dishes all over the counter.

It can really just, it actually brings, like, a weird piece.

Oh, girl, I completely understand.

And I understand that when I'm not pregnant, right?

And when I'm not postpartum, I know the piece that comes with looking at a clean and tidy environment and a clean toddler as well.

Yes, absolutely.

So now you have two kids and you are in North Carolina.

You found your new church community.

What happens next?

So, well, I'm going to be honest.

It all started with sourdough.

My daughter had some allergies, and we felt this really strong calling that we needed to be closer to God in a new way.

And for us, that ended up being homesteading.

And so we moved homes, properties, and that's when we started homesteading.

My daughter had just turned one, and we jumped right into it.

We got goats, chickens, ducks, all the things.

And I felt like for the first time in our lives, things were kind of going really smoothly.

And we felt like a lot of peace doing what we were doing, you know, sharing anything extra that we had with our community and just really encouraging people to like embrace God through nature and our roots and the things that we've been doing for generations.

Then it was, you know, when we were kind of getting that feeling of, you know, this is really good, we started getting that feeling of we should adopt, we should adopt a baby.

And my husband and I had talked about it previously, you know, when we told, when we knew or were told that we could not have children, we were like, if this doesn't work out, you know, we've been trying for years and years, we don't really want to go the IVF route, we would rather adopt.

And so it's kind of been in the back of our minds for a really long time.

And then we just kind of felt like, hey, maybe, maybe now is the time, because we're kind of, we're kind of feeling like good, we could have another child now.

So let's just start this.

Let's see where it goes.

And so it was August of 2022, we decided to just start the process.

We decided on domestic infant adoption.

And I thought that God met me at my lowest when I had postpartum depression.

But like, I don't know that I've ever needed or felt.

I mean, I always need God without a doubt in every situation, good and bad.

But I felt like this just I like I literally could not get through another day without God, because adoption is just so I mean, there's so much turbulence, it's up and down and all around.

And you don't know what's coming next ever.

Every single day, you're like, will I get a phone call?

Will we connect with the mom?

And once you get connected with mom, is she going to keep is she going to move forward with us?

Is she going to have the baby and then decide to keep it even though we've already had it?

Like, there's just so many what ifs, and there's no straightforward answers.

And so we were connected, I think, to three different moms that had reached out and were interested in our profile.

So you went through like an agency and then created, like they created a profile for you for like pregnant mothers to look through?

Yes, correct.

Yeah.

So our profile is out there.

We get connected with three different moms over a couple of months, and they decide to go with someone else or they fall off the face of the earth.

I don't really know, and I'll never know.

But again, it was like I had to trust that God had a plan, but also, why are you leading me into this place where you called me to adopt?

And it's not happening.

And it can take years.

And I was feeling all those emotions in a matter of months.

And so my heart is with all of the people who have been called to adopt and are waiting, because that waiting is so hard.

And I think that is true in every season of our life.

The waiting is the hardest.

Letting God do his thing, that's the hardest.

And so I told my husband, I was like, what if we've spent all this money and I just can't do it emotionally?

I don't feel like I can keep going through the, oh, you've been chosen.

Just kidding, you haven't.

Because even though you haven't even seen that ultrasound, or you haven't even met with the mom, it's like a bond starts to form.

And so I was like, I don't know if I can do this.

Would it be wasting this money?

And she was just so level headed.

Like it was annoying.

And then in March of 2023, so a little over a year ago, it was like 9.30 at night, and I get a phone call from some random number.

My husband's not home.

He's at a men's conference in Virginia with our church.

I was like, I'm just gonna let this go to voicemail.

I'm all alone in the house.

I don't like being alone, so we'll just see what this is.

And I listened to it, and she was like, hey, I just want to let you know that a mom has reached out.

I'm the on-call birth mom coordinator for the weekend, and I just wanted to get you guys connected as fast as we can.

And I was like, oh my gosh.

So I called my husband, and I was like, hey, do you want me to wait until you're home to connect further, or do you want me to go ahead and see where this goes?

And he was like, no, no, definitely do that now.

And then the next three months was just a blur.

The birth mom was just like, I mean, of course, there's the doubts like, is she going to change her mind?

Is she using us?

Because they do get some money out of it.

Just all the questions and the what ifs.

And three months later, we got to go and be there for the birth of our son.

It's just not common to be able to go to the birth of the child you're adopting.

That is so cool.

Okay, can you tell us that birth story?

That's amazing.

Okay, so Mother's Day last year, I was like, wouldn't it be just so cool if, oh wait, sorry, back up.

Birth mom had absolutely no creative care.

Okay.

In order to continue to receive support from us, the agency did require that she had some proof of pregnancy.

And so she did go, I mean, they did meet with her, saw she was visibly pregnant, but they had her go to just the emergency room, confirm pregnancy.

And so that's the only thing she had ever done during her entire pregnancy.

And so she was given, based off of when she found out she was pregnant and believed to have conceived, she was due May 1st of 2023.

But based off of the ultrasound, it was June 1st.

And so with just the lack of prenatal care, and once you get into later stage ultrasounds, they're just not as accurate as earlier ones.

And so you're like, sometime between May 1st and June 1st, hopefully.

Birth mom was located in Florida, so we were going to have to make the trip at any given time.

And it was Mother's Day, I think it was like May, I would say like 14th last year.

And I was like, how cool would it be if, like, I was really just hoping I could be a mom of three by now.

Like, that would be in the world to me.

That's what I want for Mother's Day.

We did one last kind of like little bake sale fundraiser at our church right after service, and then went home, and I was just feeling all the emotions.

I was like, I don't know if this can happen.

This could be a great Mother's Day.

It could be, you know, a really hard one to remember.

And then the next day, I got a phone call from her boyfriend, not the birth dad, and he was like, hey, are we going into the emergency room?

Because she hadn't felt any movement, and she's being transported to the birthing hospital locally because they think she's going to have to have a c-section, the baby's not moving.

And so my husband and I, we kind of had bags packed, kind of had a diaper bag ready.

I called my in-laws and I was like, hey, we need to leave in 20 minutes, can you get here?

And they came and grabbed our older two to stay with them, and we left.

And by midnight, we were in Florida.

Halfway there, she called me and said, hey, the baby is okay, so I'm not going to have a C-section.

I was like, okay, well, that's great.

But at this point, we're so close to the baby being born.

I just didn't feel comfortable going back home, which was a really hard decision to make.

We're in the middle of milking and kitting season with our goats.

Farm stuff is in full swing, garden is in full swing.

My two older kids, it was just a lot to leave behind.

And so we just decided to stay.

My mom does now live in Florida, and at that time she did as well.

And so we stayed with her for a couple days, and then the birth mom reached out to me and was like, hey, could you take me to a prenatal appointment?

And I was like, I would love to.

And so I took her to a couple prenatal appointments, and we just collectively all sat down and talked and decided it was best, due to her circumstances, if she was induced while we were there.

Some of those circumstances just included that she had no support system whatsoever.

Nobody, no family, no friends, nothing.

Just the boyfriend.

Just the boyfriend.

And neither of them have licenses, neither of them could drive, neither of them had transportation.

And the closest birthing hospital is 45 minutes away from them.

And so she involved me in every decision and asked me to come to every appointment.

She, we took her to be induced.

I drove her there.

I was there for the whole thing.

I started to finish.

Was your husband with you or were you just you and her?

He was in the hospital, but not in the room.

Okay.

It was one of the best experiences that I've ever had, getting to watch someone else give my child life.

It was really, really cool.

She did amazing.

She, despite judgment from nurses and discrimination because she was choosing adoption, she just pushed through all of it, and we worked together, and it was just so cool.

I really don't have words for the experience.

And within a couple of minutes, once he was out, she said that my husband Brandon could come in, and it was just incredible.

What a tremendous blessing.

I mean, it sounds essentially like you were able to be her doula throughout the process.

It was the first time that I had attended a birth or supported someone through birth, and that was kind of another sign from God that being a doula is really what I wanted to do.

And the birth itself was pretty traumatic, and there was a lot of interventions that just didn't need to happen.

But again, she didn't really know any different, and she didn't really have any preferences for anything.

She just wanted the baby out.

And so I just tried to really respect whatever she was okay with, even if it wasn't what I would have advocated for necessarily.

She previously, in the adoption, the agency kind of sits down with them and asks what they want it to look like right after birth.

And she had asked that she spends time with him, which was totally fine with my husband and I.

We do have an open adoption, and I literally cannot stop crying.

Watching when she left, she left, I think, she wasn't even 24 hours, like postpartum, but she really wanted to leave.

I thought, how selfish, like how awful of a person, like how awful of a person do you have to be to give up your baby?

Like that was my thought.

Like going into adoption, you mean?

Yeah, going into adoption, that was my thought.

And then watching her like sit there with him and just like love him.

Like she loves him more than I ever would.

Like having that much love for a child, knowing that the circumstances that you are in is not good enough for him, and being brave enough to admit that and let someone else raise your baby is beyond.

I don't, my husband and I have talked about like, I don't think I could do that.

Even if I was like homeless, I don't know that I'm brave enough to do that.

And so it was just in that moment, and we got a picture together, and you can just like, you can just see like how much she loves him.

And she handed them to me, and it was just like this like unspoken, like beautiful exchange.

She left, and that rocked my world.

I was not expecting that to be like a sad emotion.

I was expecting to be like relieved.

She's gone.

I'm finally holding my baby.

We were in the clear, like this is our baby.

We're taking him home.

But I did not feel that way at all.

I felt just like complete grief for her.

And we still have such a cool relationship.

We're not the same people, obviously, but it was just like this level of motherhood and love for a child that I have never seen.

And I don't know that I ever will again, because I think that's the, like our children, it's the ultimate sacrifice.

I mean, that's what God did for us.

He sacrificed his son.

And I just felt like I was witnessing that, like firsthand.

And so we got discharged at 48 hours just because they didn't have any health history on him, so we had to stay a little bit longer.

And then we decided just to stop by and say goodbye when we left the hospital.

So we drove 45 minutes to her, and she held him again.

And she just like, she hugged me, and she was like, you're the best person for him.

And again, just a mess of emotions.

We traveled five hours down the coast of Florida to where my mom is, and we had to stay with her until we got ICPC clearing, which is like an interstate clearance saying that we're not stealing him because adoptions aren't finalized for six months.

And so we stayed with my mom for almost two weeks.

My sister was visiting my mom Quincinelli at the time and drove up and got our older two for us and then brought them back home so that we could be together because it had been almost a month.

And it was just, it was an experience like no other.

And I don't ever want to do it again.

It was really hard, and the bonding was really hard.

There are still days where it's really hard.

You know, he didn't smell like my baby, he didn't sound like my baby, he didn't look like my baby, you know, that I would have birthed.

And so, and I tried nursing, but I think the him being with his birth mom for that first 24 hours, kind of like there's this disconnect in nursing.

And so there was just a lot of things that really affected the bonding.

And then especially the biggest thing was people coming in and wanting to hold my baby.

Yeah.

And someone told me, they were like, you have the right to tell them, I'm bonding with my baby.

Do not touch him.

Like I may not be recovering, and I may not be in bed nursing, but like don't touch my baby.

Like I need, like we need this.

And I wish I had stood up for myself a lot more in that.

But now he's almost 11 months old.

I cannot believe that a year ago, we were like just about on our way to Florida to experience all that.

And it's just been the coolest thing and the hardest thing all at the same time.

I love hearing that perspective.

I know people who have adopted, you know, babies, but I know very, very few people who have been there for their birth and have been with them since birth.

It's incredible.

And to be able to speak to the fact that even though you didn't birth that baby, that you needed that, essentially that postpartum time with him to bond with him.

I've learned so much, you know, in the last few years about infant development during that time and just how crucial that time is for them and how it affects them like for the rest of their lives.

So that is amazing and wonderful that you had that opportunity.

So what do you feel like through all of this?

What do you feel like God taught you the most?

Like, what's the biggest lesson that the Lord showed you through this?

Through adoption specifically or just motherhood and birth?

Either or both, all.

I know, I feel like it sounds so cliche, but in every hard season of like motherhood or pregnancy or postpartum, or the adoption and the bonding period, I've just had to like lay everything down.

All my expectations and just trust that God has a plan.

That's far greater than mine.

A verse that I've held on to since forever is Ephesians 3.20.

Like, now to him who's able to do more, like immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine.

Like, we just have to daily remember that God can do the absolute unthinkable.

He can take away the depression.

He can put people in your path that will help you with the postpartum depression.

He can, you know, just give you the resources.

And it was so interesting.

I had never met people who have adopted.

I genuinely had never really met anyone.

I've met people who have fostered but never adopted.

And we would do little bake sale fundraisers for our adoption, and tons of people would come through sharing their adoption stories.

And it was just like little glimpses of like God saying like, I was in their story.

Now I'm putting them in your story.

And like I'm here, and I'm going to go through all of it with you.

Just trust me.

And it's so hard to trust God in those waiting times and when you feel like you have no control.

Because, I mean, while you're growing a baby in your belly, it may seem like you have all the control in the world, but you really don't.

And so I guess the biggest thing that I've learned throughout birthing and adopting all of my children is just trusting God and like what that actually looks like.

Not just like, hey, God, I trust you.

Here you go.

It's like letting him sit in the pilot seat, not the co-pilot seat, not the passenger seat, not down in the storage and take him out when you get there to your destination or when you need him.

He's not like a passenger, like, hey, just checking in on you.

What do you think about this?

And he's not the co-pilot, like, hey, this is what I'm doing.

Do you agree?

He needs to be the pilot, and in order for him to be the pilot in my life, in every circumstance, I have to trust that he knows where he's going.

Just like when we get on a plane, we trust that God, or that, like, the pilot knows what he's doing.

Like, Lord, I hope he knows what he's doing.

You know, and so when we don't trust in God, we kind of just discredit, like, who he is and what he's capable of.

You know, I had to trust in that I was going to get through postpartum and that my marriage was going to work with my first, and I had to trust that that baby was going to be born safe and healthy the second time, you know, and not breach.

And I had to trust him daily during the adoption and every day since, you know.

And so, yeah, I would just say that the biggest thing I've learned is what actual trust in God looks like.

So would that be your advice for moms, then, to trust God?

Or would you speak to other moms out there, moms who are pregnant for the first time or moms who are even thinking about adoption?

What would your advice be for them?

My biggest advice to moms who are pregnant would be, like, don't be afraid to stand up for yourself, and, like, don't be afraid to advocate for you during pregnancy and birth, for sure, but especially postpartum.

I think the world expects us, friends, family, moms, dads, they just expect us to bounce back.

We're kind of given that, like, six-week time period.

Like, you should be fine after that, but it's just not how it works.

Hormones are still raging.

There's just so much going on.

And so just stand up for, like, what you need.

Like, speak out.

What do you need?

What do you want?

How are you feeling?

And, like, don't be afraid to share those things, because the more we talk about it, the less hard it is for other moms who are feeling those same things.

Postpartum depression is not something to be ashamed of.

Like, needing help postpartum is not something to be ashamed of.

So just advocating for yourself, like I said, during pregnancy and birth, but really that postpartum period.

And adopted moms, I could go on all day about advice, but just, yeah, trusting that God has a plan that's much bigger than we could ever even possibly think.

We can't even begin to grasp it.

I agree.

I mean, I have to remind myself of that daily as well.

And I'm not adopting right now.

But man, just life in general and raising children, it's a lot of surrendering to the Lord.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for sharing.

This was super special for me.

I remember when we were talking about this leading up to this, you said, you know, do you want me to share about the adoption?

I'm like, yes, absolutely.

I want you to share about the adoption.

Because birth looks, you know, in many different ways.

I know most of the time we are sharing the story of how we biologically birth our babies, but it's, I think, always wonderful to have, you know, the other perspectives, because it does happen in other ways, and it makes it that much more special.

I mean, I was holding back tears when you were talking about the birth mom leaving the hospital.

I was like, oh, my God, like just like the gut wrenching feeling of putting myself in her shoes and how incredibly difficult that would be, and how strong of a woman she has to be to do that.

Yes, I mean, it's just like you can't really grasp that idea of how brave, like you have to be to be able to do that.

Even just the other day, she texted me and said, you know, hey, are you guys coming down to Florida?

And I was like, I would love to, but it's really hot down there.

And I was like, you know, can we video call for Mother's Day?

And she was like, that would make me really happy.

And I was like, you deserve that.

You deserve that feeling of joy and seeing your son, you know, in whatever way we can make that possible.

And it just turned into a really beautiful relationship.

That's wonderful.

That's so great.

Well, thank you.

Thank you so much for coming.

I really appreciate this.

Of course.

Thank you so much for having me on, Karen.

Thanks again for joining us today.

You can reach me at Surrendered Birth Services on Instagram or email me at contact at surrenderedbirthservices.com.

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