032 - The Importance of Community (with Lauren Thomas)

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SHOW NOTES:

Having a new baby can be overwhelming, exhausting, and just plain hard. But doing it alone can make it that much harder. Today we’re talking about the importance of having a community, in any stage of life really, but especially in motherhood. Finding a tribe of other mothers to support you, while you support them and grow in relationship with one another can be one of the best blessings you’ll ever know.

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TRANSCRIPT:

Hi, and welcome to another episode of Surrendered Birth Stories.

Birth Stories, Birth Education, and the Pursuit of Surrendering It All to God.

Let's get started.

Happy Monday, everyone, or Happy Easter.

Easter was yesterday, and I hope everyone had a wonderful one.

I know we spent the morning at church, and then went out to my mom's for the afternoon doing egg hunts and just fun stuff.

The kids all love it.

They get to do fun things at her house that they wouldn't do at my house.

So I hope everyone has had a great Easter.

I just wanted to remind you, if you haven't already, please take a moment and just go leave a review and a rating for our show.

It would be so, so helpful to other people out there.

They would be able to see it more.

The more reviews that get left, the more people it gets shown to, and the more people who can learn and grow through people's stories of faith and birth.

So please do that if you haven't, and also subscribe.

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That would be super helpful, and I know my husband and I would really, really appreciate it.

And so would the people who are going to find out about the show because of you.

Also, if you listened to our Q&A episode about a month ago or so, one of the questions that was asked was, when are we going to share our fifth child's birth story?

He was born this past October, and we had shared everyone else's birth stories.

So we said on that episode, I said it was going to be around April 30th because that was his sixth month, but that's not his sixth month birthday because I was so tired that night from not sleeping and everyone in the house being sick that that is my fourth son's birthday.

So it's actually going to be next week.

He will be six months old next week somehow.

I don't even understand how that is possible, but nonetheless, we will be sharing Indy's birth story next week.

So make sure you tune in for that.

Okay, now for this week's episode.

I got to sit down and talk with a friend about a topic which is near and dear to our hearts, and that is the importance of community when it comes to becoming a new mother, or a new mother again.

Having a baby can be overwhelming, exhausting, and just plain hard, but doing it alone can make it that much harder.

So today we're talking about the importance of having a community in any stage of life, really, but especially in new motherhood.

Finding a tribe of other mothers to support you while you support them, and grow in relationship with one another can be one of the best blessings you'll ever know.

All right, well, welcome to another episode of Surrendered Birth Stories.

I am your host, Kayla Heater, and I have a returning friend with me here today, Lauren Thomas.

Welcome, Lauren.

She was actually in episode five, way back in the beginning, and she shared all four of her birth stories.

It was a marathon episode.

It was a marathon.

It was really fun, though.

It was good.

I liked hearing them all, especially like back to back like that.

So if you haven't heard those yet, go back and listen to episode five, and then you'll know exactly who's talking in this episode.

But just in case you don't have time to do that in this moment, Lauren, can you tell us a little bit about yourself and who you are and your family?

Sure.

So I'm a mom of four.

I have three boys and a girl, ranging from eight and a half to one and a half.

I live in Winston-Salem, and yeah, I'm a birth photographer and doula, although I'm not really working right now, but I still love the birth community and all of that.

So fun.

But aren't you in the process of trying to move to Raleigh?

Yes, we are trying.

The house market is crazy, if you are unaware.

It is wild.

So we are just praying and trusting that the right house will come along, but mine and my husband's whole family, mostly his, live in Raleigh.

So we have just been feeling like we want to be closer to family, and I was actually going to bring that up while we were talking today, because we are going to be talking about community and the idea of moving and kind of starting over as far as community goes is something that might be in my near future.

So yeah, I'm a little nervous about that, because I have such a sweet community here, but yeah, we're trying.

We'll see what that timeline looks like.

It might not be for another year or so, but we'll see.

Oh, I wouldn't be sad if it wasn't for another year or so.

I know.

I'm going to be really sad to leave this area too.

Okay, well, let's talk about community, because when you become a new mom or you become a new mom again, it is suddenly like you are in a different space, like you're in a different season of life.

It's just different, especially if it's your first time.

And it can be extremely isolating.

And maybe a lot of new moms or pregnant moms right now have just never heard that or haven't anticipated that or think that their life is going to continue on just as normal.

But I will, for one, say that when we had our first, and let me just preface this with, I am an Enneagram 7.

Whether or not you believe in the Enneagram, throw that out the window.

But I like to get out, I like to socialize, I like to go places, I like to be with people.

It's really fun for me.

And so after I had my daughter, and I was home alone pretty much every day, I was one of, definitely one of the first of my friends to have a baby.

And like I had a couple friends who were a little bit older than me who had had a baby, but they also were closer with each other, if that makes sense, than they were with me.

But it was just me, myself, and I in my baby at home.

And at first, it was fine, because I was in my pajamas all the time, and nursing constantly and everything.

But the cabin fever set in pretty quickly, and it just felt, I mean, it just felt isolating.

I'll leave it at that.

Yeah, for sure.

Did you work before you had her?

Yeah.

So it's like a whole new world.

Yes.

So I was on a maternity leave with her for three months, and then I went back to work for about seven or eight weeks.

I was a teacher, so I finished out the school year.

And then after that, I was home permanently.

Permanently for a season.

That sounds funny.

For a few more years.

For like four or five years, I stayed home.

Gotcha.

And honestly, it took me like at least three kids to really find what I felt like was a community that we were showing up for each other, and I would see them regularly and like do life with them.

So I feel like I had my first three kids and was just like I had my head down, and I was just doing life at home with the kids.

But I didn't feel like I had support.

I mean, I had my husband, but we moved out here when my oldest was 18 months old.

And you know, we didn't know anybody here.

So no family close by, we didn't know anybody, and it was just, yeah, I mean, isolating is the only word for it.

And I think for me, I guess I'll just go into what I was wanting to talk about.

I think for me, I would see people online who had friends that would show up for them or, you know, they had friends that would bring them coffee when they were having a long day or come help with the kids when they were sick or, you know, things like that.

And it's like social media, so much comparison, all of that stuff.

And so I was seeing these people online that had these communities, and I would just be, like, filled with jealousy.

I would be filled with, like, why do they have these communities?

Where is mine?

Where is my community?

You know, like, you hear this word.

You're like, where is this tribe, this community, who's going to show up for me?

And like I said, it took me until, I think, I may have been pregnant with my fourth, maybe a little bit before that, until I kind of realized, and I think the Lord worked this on my heart, that I needed to be the community that I wanted.

I don't say that in a way that, like, if you, you know, show up for other people, then they're definitely going to show up for you.

Like, it's not as simple as that.

It's not as simple as, like, I brought someone a meal, and then we were best friends, and then she supported me, and we were, like...

Yeah.

But it was just this mindset shift for me, and a perspective shift where I think the Lord just convicted me to, if I want to see that community, like, stop just being, wishing for it, and being jealous of other people who have it, and show up for other people.

And it just sort of came full circle.

When I started showing up for people, it was like people were put in my life, and my community started to grow, and it's become this, like, beautiful thing where we all show up for each other.

But it's a continuous, like, mindset shift of how can I show up for other people when I have the capacity to do so?

Because, of course, we all have seasons where if you just had a baby, like, you're not gonna be a few days postpartum bringing meals to somebody or babysitting their kids, you know?

But we all have different seasons and different capacities in those seasons.

And so as far as, like, a new mom, if you're expecting your first and you're listening to this, that's perfect because you can start to think about building that support system and that community and being intentional about it ahead of this new season of life that you're going into.

Yes.

I agree.

I mean, I think a lot of people get their community from church as well.

And like small groups and or community groups, life groups, whatever you want to call them.

The group that you meet with weekly typically.

And for us, we did.

We had a lot of friends at our church.

We didn't really have much family in town when we had our first.

Okay, let me say we didn't have any grandparents in town.

But we had friends.

But our friends weren't having babies yet.

And so they couldn't necessarily relate to what we were going through or completely understand what we were going through.

You know, they had no idea.

They could sympathize and try to, but it's just a different world.

And so when they're still like, hey, we're all going to this person's party on this Friday night, or hey, we're all going to go out to eat at this restaurant, or we're going to go, you know, or after church on Sunday, we're going to do this and that.

And it's like, well, actually, the baby has to nap, or I have to nurse, or we need to sleep, or, you know, this is her bedtime, and all of that, and you just, it's not that you lose that community completely.

It just, it shifts, and it changes, and your needs for community change.

And I am a great example of, you can have more than one community, you know?

Yeah, for sure.

Oh, I definitely do, yeah.

You can have this group of friends who you've been with for this long time and have long-standing relationships with, and then you can have a new community of people who are going through, you know, what you're going through right now, and can be there to support you, knowing exactly, you know, what your needs are.

Yeah, for sure.

I mean, obviously we are multifaceted human beings, and we can have our mom friends, and then have our maybe friends who aren't moms, and still relate to them.

So, yeah, that's so true.

Can you share with us some different ways of how to build a mom community?

Okay, yes.

I told you earlier, I don't feel like I am fully equipped to speak to this, because I don't feel like I'm an expert on it.

But I will say some ways that have helped me, because like I said, we moved to this area, didn't know anybody, and I do feel like I have found a really sweet community, or actually more than one, like you mentioned.

I have kind of different pockets of friends.

So like practical ways, as much as I can complain about social media, and I'm actually not even on social media these days, but it actually can be a really great way to find people, especially Facebook.

You know, if you're moving to a new area, there's generally mom groups for that area.

You can find them on Facebook.

Here we even have like a crunchy mom group that you can join.

And you can also join like play groups that meet up like once a month or once a week.

There's homeschool groups.

There's, you know, different interest groups.

I'm a photographer, so when I first moved here, I kind of reached out to different photographers, and I started a group for that.

So it might sound lame, but that has been for me a really great way to meet people.

And then you'll like meet people through those people, and maybe they're better friends than the people you actually met through Facebook.

You know, you don't know exactly how to work out, but that to me has been a great way.

Another one that if you're a new mom, you can seek out a Loleche League.

I went to one of those back when I lived in the Raleigh area when I was a new mom.

That's all new moms, they're all in a similar season to you, so that's a great way to meet people.

Right, and a Loleche League is like a breastfeeding support group.

Right, it is, yes.

I think it's kind of open to any, like wherever you are in your breastfeeding journey, so it's not necessarily like brand new mom, and it's not necessarily first time mom, so I think it's pretty open, but that is the main focus.

But when I went, I did find that it was like, if you have a breastfeeding question, you can ask it, but if not, we're kind of just hanging out with our babies.

So, don't be afraid to go if you aren't having breastfeeding issues or something like that.

That's funny.

I did a little group similar to that after I had my daughter, like a few months later, and it was just with some women at our church who all had nursing babies, and so it wasn't through like Leleche, but we used to call it boob group.

Oh, I love it.

My husband is going to want to cut that out, but don't cut it out, babe.

We called it boob group.

We didn't advertise.

We didn't advertise like that, but that's what we called it with each other into our husbands.

Hey, I'm going to boob group.

That's amazing.

One other way that I actually met some people that I still am pretty good friends with, I was out at a coffee shop when I first moved here doing some work, and I saw a group of moms sitting on a couch with their babies, and they were all nursing, and they were chatting, and the older kids were running around.

And I was just like, oh my gosh, I want that.

I want friends like that.

I want to have someone to meet up with and do play dates with.

And one of the moms walked past my table to go to the trash can, and I worked up the courage to stop her and basically say, hi, I'm new here.

Can I be your friend?

It was really sweet.

And we ended up exchanging numbers, and she invited me next time, and then it just kind of went from there.

A couple people have moved away and stuff, but I still talk to a few of those moms.

So if you can work up the courage just to approach another mom, because honestly, we're all wanting this.

So if you see a mom at the park, and your kids are similar ages, or you just want to compliment them on their clothes or whatever, and just start a conversation, I think that can go a long way.

The old school meeting a friend in person.

Right, like when we were in school as kids.

How else are you gonna meet?

You walk up and you say hi.

Yeah, we should learn something from our kids actually, because my kids make a new friend at the park every single time we go somewhere.

So like, and they just are instant best friends, like begging me to go over to their house.

So we should just, you know, find that bravery and just talk to people.

We were at a, actually went to Raleigh a few weeks ago to visit some friends, went to a playground, and yes, the kids dragged us together, the parents, and they were like, can you guys exchange numbers?

We want to have play dates.

And I'm like, where do you live?

They're like, oh, right here in Raleigh.

I'm like, yeah, we live in Greensboro.

We don't live here.

This probably is not going to happen.

Not going to work, yeah.

Okay, so we've talked about Facebook groups and, you know, the Le Leche League and finding moms in person, just like when you see them out and about in public.

What are some things you can do to foster that community, like once you have established those relationships, like once you've met those people, what can you do to like keep that going?

Yeah, so one way that I met how I met you and how I met lots of other moms is through what's called a birth circle.

Our midwife started a birth circle, and it started out as moms getting together and telling their birth stories.

And we do still do that, but it's sort of like morphed into just talking about motherhood and getting together.

But it's like the best.

We all love it so much.

So starting a birth circle, that's a great way to do it.

Find other moms who just had babies, or even if you didn't just have a baby, even if it's been a year or so or longer.

I know I love telling my birth story.

I love hearing other birth stories.

Obviously, you do too, or you wouldn't have started this podcast.

Right.

So I think that's a fun way to get together and kind of relate.

And it also kind of opens you up to being a little bit more vulnerable with each other, talking about postpartum and things like that, and not just having that small talk.

Because sometimes if you're just doing play dates, you just do the small talk, you check in on each other, and then it's like, oh, we got to go home, we got to get the baby down for a nap or whatever it is.

So Birth Circle can be a nice way to kind of get into deeper conversations, I think.

Right.

We don't bring our older kids to Birth Circle, just the nursing ones.

Yes.

Nursing babies, and we talk about everything and anything, and it's the best.

But any kind of group where you're getting together like that, like I had written down a few ideas, like a potluck or a recipe swap.

I did a clothing swap once that was really fun.

So everybody just brought clothing that they're getting rid of or want to donate.

And we all just like shopped through each other's clothes, and it was super fun.

And then everyone goes home with some new clothes, and then we donate what wasn't taken.

So, I mean, just being creative and thinking of things like that, that you want to do, even if you just want to go out for dinner, go get a drink, like whatever it is.

But being the person who starts the group or invites people over, or if you don't want to host to your house, or maybe you can't host to your house because your kids are sleeping or whatever it is, just be the one who sends the invitation.

Because I know for me, and hopefully I'm not alone in this, there was such a long time where I would be like, why isn't anyone inviting me to go do XYZ?

And then it was like I said, the Lord just laid it on my heart to be like, are you inviting people?

Are you opening up your home?

Are you doing these things that you want to be invited to?

And it just sort of shifted my perspective on that.

So I think just anytime you can be the one to start a group, whether it's a monthly group or a one time thing, I think that's a great way to kind of grow that community.

And there's, don't feel like if you do that and the first time goes horribly, that you don't ever want to do it again.

I would say after something like that, if it doesn't go well, step back, reflect, see maybe what went wrong or what you would change and try again.

Because sometimes it does take a few or even more different times to figure out like what's going to work and what's not going to work, and whether it's time of day or meeting location or kids or no kids or whatnot, it's definitely something that you can get better at and don't give up just because it doesn't go great the first time.

Or honestly, you know, we all vibe with people differently, and I think God created us uniquely in that way.

There are some people who we can really mesh with and really just get along well with and can talk very easily with, and then there are others where it doesn't feel as right, just like when we're looking for a spouse, right?

God was very clear to us who it was and who it wasn't.

And so don't be afraid to try another friendship.

I know that Chris and I sometimes, and I will say this was earlier in our marriage now, we're almost 13 years in, and it looks different now.

But back in the beginning, before we had kids, we would try going on double dates with other couples and see like...

Yeah, because that's the dream, right?

To have another couple that your husband likes, the guy, and you like the girl, and you can all hang out.

Yes, you both like each other, yes.

And so we would try out other couples as a couple and see like, oh, was this fun?

Did we mesh with this couple or did it not go so well?

Are we ever going to do that again?

Like, you know, same thing with these groups and these friends.

Like, just keep trying until, you know, you find something that works for you.

And another, depending on the area that you live in, there are also usually postpartum groups out there that maybe not necessarily through Le Leche, but like just a postpartum support group in general.

I've had one through my birth business, like the Surrendered Birth Services, that has gone, like it'll meet for a while and then it stopped because I had a baby.

But then we'll start meeting again.

And I usually just offer it to my clients, but I offer it to, you know, other women too, who I know who just had baby in the area.

But you can search for those groups in your area as well.

And I'll say just as a new mom, those groups always made me feel super understood and related to and not alone.

And you can really, you know, build a friendship off of that and kind of take that and launch it to the next level because as much as we hate it, we're not going to have babies forever.

Yeah, yeah, that's another good idea for sure.

There's lots of doulas that do stuff like that.

Or like lactation consultants that do that.

And sometimes like a birth center, like if you have a local birth center, they'll do something like that too.

So lots of good options there.

Yes.

Okay, we're in these, we've met these friends and we have these groups and we do these get togethers.

What are some ways that you feel like you could offer support?

So instead of just necessarily getting together and talking, which by the way, is sometimes all I need as a mom.

Yes, 100%.

It's just to get away and talk and have some conversations with some other moms.

But we all go, like you mentioned earlier, we all go through harder seasons.

So what are some ways we could offer some real practical support that which hopefully, you know, you said not always, but hopefully in turn, when you're going through a hard season, people could offer you that same support.

Yeah, and I think the first part of my answer to this question is you have to be in touch with people.

You have to know what's going on in their life in order to be able to support them.

So ask real questions like dig deeper, try to really see how they're doing.

Like if you're meeting them for a play date, try not to just talk about the weather or your kids.

See how they're doing and try to...

I think when you decide that you're going to look for ways to support people, you can find them easily.

If you're specifically trying to figure out, like, okay, how can I help this person?

I can tell that they're struggling.

They just had a baby.

Let me talk to them.

Sometimes it's just come right out and ask, like, what do you need?

But sometimes, if you're specifically looking, even without coming right out and asking, you can find ways to help.

And so a lot of times for me, I do a lot of, like, bringing meals to people because it's sort of a universal way to support somebody.

We all have to make dinner every night, and then again the next day, and then again the next day, and sometimes just taking that one task off of someone's plate can be really helpful.

I know it is for me, especially when someone has a baby.

We were so blessed with a meal train after we had a couple of our babies, so I always try to do that, sign up for meal trains when I can.

But also if you know somebody is sick, if you know somebody is just having a hard week, maybe their husband is out of town, that's another one I like to, if someone is like, yeah, my husband is out of town for work this week, I'll see if I can work it into my schedule to bring a meal.

I have a couple friends that, and obviously you have to be pretty close with someone to do this, but we swap babysitting nights so that we can do date nights.

That's not going to be like the first thing that you're going to do when you meet somebody, but people I've known for a few years and I trust, we'll swap babysitting.

And then just praying for each other too, I think goes such a long way.

And not just saying I'm praying for you, but like specifically, really like, I like to keep a list because my memory is basically non-existent.

So I keep a prayer list on my phone, and if I tell someone I'm going to pray for them, I put them on it, and really pray for them and tell them that you prayed for them.

Like I thought about you tonight, I prayed for you tonight.

And then ask for prayer from them as well, because again, then you're just kind of building that relationship and then they know what's going on in your life, you know what's going on in their life, and you can support each other better.

Yeah, I love that.

I actually, you know, it's really easy to say it.

Yeah, I'm praying for you, or I'll pray for you, or whatnot.

Especially like in a group text message or something, that's really easy to say.

But it hits a different way when I have a friend, one of my very best friends actually, who whenever someone needs prayer, or whenever I reach out to her and ask her for prayer, she doesn't say, yeah, I'll be praying for you.

She sends me back either a text message or a voice message praying over me.

And it's like word for word, every word she's speaking to the Lord and interceding for me.

And it's like that.

I'm like, yes, thank you.

It's like evidence right there.

I can see her prayer.

I can hear her prayer.

And it's super powerful.

So when I feel close enough with somebody, I'm not going to freak them out by doing that.

Because stranger on the street sometimes get freaked out by that.

But when you know someone well enough, and even if it's just like, it doesn't have to be this super long ornate prayer, but something specific, instead of I'm praying for you, you can say like, Lord, we pray tonight for Lauren and her children as they're so sick.

Please comfort them, bring them healing, bring them peace, and help them get through the night, and your mercies are new every morning.

Just going the extra mile there can be super helpful.

Yeah, the thoughtfulness is the big part of it.

And as far as when people are sick, or when they just had a baby or something, actually remember, this is so funny.

I'll just tell this story real quick.

This is how my husband knows when I'm talking about you.

When I say Lauren.

Because I have more than one Lauren in my life.

And I say, it's bone broth Lauren.

Oh my gosh, that might be one of the best compliments ever.

Because, okay, so I had met you at a birth circle.

And I mean, very briefly, the first time I came to birth circle, there was like 25 people there.

Maybe even 30.

And so it was like, I met you very briefly.

I just remember that you were very pregnant.

Like you were about to have Jolee.

Yeah.

Then the next birth circle I came to, you were there with your brand new little baby.

And you told the birth story.

And then I think that's it.

Like those are the only two times I had met you.

Well, then the next month, I was in a wedding.

Yes, and it was like we had the rehearsal dinner on a Thursday night, but the wedding wasn't until Sunday.

And Thursday night, I was fine.

And then Friday morning, I woke up, and I had like a cold, like I had like a sore throat, and I was coughing, and I was congested, and I felt awful.

And I was like, no, I'm in a wedding this weekend.

What am I going to do?

And I was newer to like kind of more holistic remedies, like not just reaching for the, you know, what's it called?

Dayquil or whatever.

And so I reached out to you guys and I said, hey, I'm in this wedding.

What can I do to feel better fast?

Like, and you lived like 40 minutes from me, and you drove to my house and brought me this bone broth that you had just made, and you were like, drink this.

And I think you guys told me to put like apple cider vinegar in it and all that stuff.

And I was like, I will, even though I had prosmya, which is a whole other story.

And so I put like a nose plug in and just kicked it back.

I think I didn't put garlic in it because I knew that you didn't like garlic, right?

Well, yes.

I think I was like, I have a batch that doesn't have garlic.

Garlic, yes, yes.

Which is, I know garlic is one of the things that's super helpful for healing, but I cannot currently have it in my current state.

And so, yes, you brought that.

And I just, first time I ever drank bone broth, and I just sat there.

And between the moment you brought it to me, and literally I was finishing up my last cup on my way to the wedding, like that morning to get hair and makeup done and stuff.

And I will say, I felt so much better.

I was able, I felt good that whole day at the wedding, and I was so grateful for you.

And so, which that was like over a year ago now, like a year, a few months ago.

But you, yeah, so now whenever I talk about you with my husband, I'll be like, yeah, bone broth Lauren.

Remember, that's the first time we met her.

She brought me bone broth when I was sick.

You know, it's actually funny, little backstory on me.

I was not a cook for like the first seven years of my marriage.

My husband literally cooked all of our meals.

It was like such a chore to me.

And he loved it.

And so we just let it be that way.

And I think it was in 2021, maybe.

I was like really pulling back from work.

And it was like I stopped working so much.

And it was like this space in my brain opened up and allowed me to like actually enjoy cooking and baking.

And I started making bread and all this stuff.

And now it's become like my love language.

Like I love bringing a meal to somebody.

And like if someone tells me their kids liked the meal I brought, it's like the best compliment ever.

That's true.

So it's yeah, it's definitely become my like go to support people, I guess.

And yeah, anyway, I love it.

Well, I personally love receiving meals, especially after.

Me too.

And something y'all did for me this time is whenever I was newly pregnant with Indy, so I guess it would have been like a year ago, and I was so, so sick, like couldn't move without throwing up, like completely just in bed, not mobile, couldn't do anything for my family.

And one of the girls from the Birth Circle started a meal train, and you guys started bringing meals to my family, because my poor husband is trying to like take care of all the kids, take care of the house, make food, do dishes.

I mean, he's up to like 11 or 12 every night, doing all the things, and then up again at like 5 or 6 the next morning, doing all the things.

And honestly for us, don't get me wrong, we absolutely love having meals postpartum as well, like right after the baby comes.

But it's almost like even more impactful for us at the beginning of a pregnancy for me.

Because even though I'm not eating the meals that are being brought, I'm the cook in our family.

And so when I'm not cooking, the kids are honestly like just going to the fridge and pantry and getting whatever they can find, cheese sticks, apples, chips, whatever.

So it's so helpful to know that they're going to actually eat a meal that night.

And not that my husband doesn't cook.

He totally will and does actually enjoy cooking.

It's just that he gets home from work and then the kids are already starving.

So yes, meals.

And they don't have to be hard.

Some people are like, oh, but that's so hard.

If you have the money, you can do takeout.

You can get, you know, order pizzas to their house even if you can't even make it there or get them.

Someone got me from Birth Circle a DoorDash gift card.

And, you know, it's like, well, they didn't have the time to make or bring a meal or they lived far away, but they got us that.

And that was super helpful.

And or and I like to sometimes someone did this for me after I had my second.

So they brought us a meal like a home cooked meal, which is amazing.

But then they also brought us a couple of frozen pizzas and some paper plates and some like plastic ware and some like real like easy snacks.

I could eat with one hand and just things that, you know, maybe would just kind of go the extra mile.

And because they're like, Oh, we know you have a toddler, so we brought her coloring book too.

That's so sweet.

Things, you know, when you're having your second baby or something.

So just like little things.

It doesn't have to be hard, but I know when someone's done that for me, it's been so, so, so helpful.

Yeah.

And like you said, like even if you aren't a cook, bringing snacks to a new mom is great.

Or a mom who's in her first trimester, like if you know that she can stomach a certain kind of cracker or a loaf of bread, like simple food, bringing over something like that or bringing over.

I've done before, like you bring dinner and then also something for breakfast, even if it's like muffins.

Store bought is fine.

Like we don't have to make it this big.

I mean, if you have the capacity and you want to make a homemade meal, that's lovely.

But if you don't, I would say, find a way to simplify it rather than not do it.

Right.

I know for me, I try to like just do a double batch.

If I'm bringing a meal to someone, I do a double.

And I that's whatever you're making that night.

Yeah.

So especially if you're doing like, you know, pasta or a stew or something like that, it's easy to just kind of double it.

Maybe you have two pots.

You just cut up all the veggies at the same time.

It really doesn't take that much more time.

And then you bring the meal over and your dinner is already ready too.

And so that's a good way to make it a little bit easier sometimes.

But yeah.

And another thing I love about this that has been like a side effect that I never thought about was showing your kids what community can look like.

And so they're seeing you bringing meals, seeing people bring meals when you have a baby or you're sick, and they can see that you're showing up and people are showing up for you.

And just for that to be more normal for them.

I know growing up, I don't remember my mom really having, my mom was a working single mom, so she didn't have a whole lot of time, you know, after she was working all day and then home with us.

But I didn't ever really see my mom with friends or community or having people show up and support her.

She didn't have family nearby or anything either.

So I think it's kind of sweet for hopefully my kids.

And, you know, all of our kids will grow up seeing that and it being a little bit more normal to them.

And then maybe they will know how to support someone even before they have babies.

You know, hopefully they will grow up and be like, OK, I don't have kids yet, but I can see that this new mom could use this or that or a meal or some help in this way.

Yes, my kids definitely know what a meal train is at this point.

Whether one is coming to us or we are taking it to somebody else, they're like, oh, yes, I know what a meal train is.

Yep, I've thrown them all in the car and turned on a movie so many times.

They're like, where are we going?

Oh, we're just dropping off a meal.

We're just in the car for a little while.

Yes, exactly.

And you know, if you have, I meant to say this earlier on in the episode, but if you have super supportive family around, like, that's amazing.

That's great.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

That's incredible.

Like, I have some friends who, they all live on the same block as each other.

They're sisters and they all live, like, super close, and they all can just, like, get together all the time, and their kids play every day, and they make food for each other, and they watch each other's kids.

Like, it's all, it's awesome, it's amazing.

But the reality of 2023 is, as much as that's the dream for a lot of us, it is not the reality for most of us to have, you know, such a super supportive family and so close by.

So that is something that we do now have to create for ourselves.

And if you don't, like, if it's because you're feeling shy or because you're feeling like no one else wants it, everybody wants it.

And everybody needs it, more importantly.

And somebody just has to be the one to start it.

Yeah, and I mean, yeah, it's not easy.

It was so scary, like I said, talking to that mom in the coffee shop and all of that, and showing up to your first birth circle, and it's overwhelming, and all those people are there.

But you'll be so happy you did it.

Yeah, when I showed up to my first birth circle, the only person I knew was my midwife.

And so, and then there was, you know, 20 other strangers in the room, but I kept going, I went back, and now it's like, I cannot miss birth circle.

I have to be there.

Like even right after I had my baby, I was like, oh, I can't go to birth circle.

I'm healing.

I know, I was actually so happy that the timing worked out so well with birth circle.

It's so funny that I like cared so much, but I went when I was like 39 weeks, and then it's a once a month thing.

So I went like 39, maybe 40 weeks, and then my babies come late.

So a couple weeks later, I had her, and then a couple weeks later was the next birth circle, and it was like just right at that time where I was like ready to get out of the house for something like that, something simple.

I'm sitting, I wore my pajamas.

And so I didn't actually have to miss a birth circle, and I was like, yes, I don't have to miss one.

That's right.

I think y'all had birth circle like the day after I had my baby.

So I definitely wasn't there.

But it's so worth it.

And yeah, as far as meeting up with your community goes, I mean, it can be once a month.

Like it doesn't have to be every week or multiple times a week or anything like that.

It can definitely be like a once a month thing for sure.

Or even every other month.

But you'll get closer sooner, and those relationships will go deeper the more often you do get together.

But some is definitely better than none.

Sometimes weekly commitments are a lot for me too.

I get kind of overwhelmed if every single week we have something on the calendar.

And I know our play group that we meet up with, it's sort of, I love that it's just so open.

Come when you can, don't come when you can't.

It's totally fine if you're late.

It's totally fine if you can't make it last minute.

And I feel like when you find your mom group and your quote unquote people, there is an understanding there.

We're all moms.

If you thought you were going to be able to get out of the house on time and then you couldn't, we all understand.

Or if it's just been a tough week and you just want to stay at home in your pajamas, we all understand that too.

And I also think having the text group is a helpful way in the in-between.

Even if you can't make it a few weeks in a row, we're still kind of chatting and we're still there and you can ask for prayer and you can ask questions or brainstorm, like, oh, my kid has this rash, like, what do you think it is?

Like, all that kind of stuff.

I did that tonight.

Did you see that?

Oh, no, I didn't, on Instagram.

Yeah, we have a...

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, we have another like birth circle chat on Instagram, and I literally sent that question.

I'm like, my kid has this rash, I don't know what it is, I can't get rid of it.

It's happened to the best of us.

Yes.

And of course, everyone chimes in, you know, with all of their...

They're like, oh, try this.

Oh, have you tried this?

Like, have you done that?

And it's so helpful.

Yep, because we've all been through it.

Especially when you have groups with moms who have three, four, five plus kids, one of them is bound to have had a similar rash on one of their kids at some point.

Right, exactly.

Well, is there anything else you...

These are all like really great ideas and really great things, especially for someone brand new out there who is going, like you said, establishing community maybe for the first time.

Maybe, you know, it's so set up for us in childhood and just with like our childhood innocence, like you said, like our kids just run up to other kids at the playground and they're like, hey, you're my new best friend.

Let's play tag, you're it.

And like run, like it's so easy for them.

And then like, you know, if they're in school, like it's just sort of like automatically, these are your friends, because you're going to be with them all day every day for years and years.

But then you get out into adulthood, and unless you're maybe very intentional about what you're doing maybe outside of your job, or maybe you are really good friends with people at your job, but it's hard when you enter this new season of life.

And like you said, if you're moving, moving to a new area and kind of starting over, do you want to speak to that anymore?

I know we mentioned it earlier, but...

Yeah, I mean, I feel like I've kind of mentioned everything I did, and I definitely feel like I lucked out a little bit with my midwife starting, with our midwife starting that birth circle.

That has been such a blessing.

But yeah, I mean, especially stay-at-home moms and then moving to a new area.

Because like you said, there can be, if you do go to work or even work from home, but have coworkers, like there's a potential for some friendships there.

But as a stay-at-home mom, unless you're putting yourself out there, it's you and your kids, and you're just at home.

And so I would say really just like put on your brave pants and walk up to that mom at the park that has the cute top on or like whose kid is talking to your kid about Pokemon or like whatever it is, and find some commonality and just say hi and you know, see if they want to do that.

I mean, the easiest way is to do another play date, right?

Like having kids can actually be like an easy way to start a conversation with another mom and like set up that next time to hang out if you want to.

Or ask them like, you know, what are the local groups here?

Like is there a mom's group?

Like are you from this area?

Do you know other moms?

I straight up ask that woman in the coffee shop, can I be your friend?

Like, will you invite me to your play date?

And like you said, like we're all looking for it.

So it might feel really scary to say that to somebody, but we're all, we all want that.

We all want friends.

We all want that mom community specifically.

So I think it would be more well received than you might think.

Right.

Well, thank you.

Thank you so much for being on here.

Thank you for all of your ideas and thoughts and talking points.

Community is forever important, and isolation is forever dangerous, honestly.

And it's funny you said earlier, you said Find Your People.

That's actually the title of a book that is on my list of books to read this year.

It's called Find Your People.

It's by Jenny Allen.

So I'm looking forward to it.

I have the basic premise of the book in my head, but it's a lot of what we talked about tonight, a lot of that, but kind of goes deeper in a lot of areas.

But I'm looking forward to it.

I mean, I have community, and I have super best friends, and I'm actually a part of...

I feel like I've got my church friends, and then I've got my birth circle friends, and I've got my community group, and then I have my family, and it's kind of like all these different sectors.

But I'm still fascinated by that book and can't wait to read it.

I might have to look into it.

I'll let you borrow it if you still live here.

Yeah, yes, okay, sounds good.

All right, thanks, Lauren.

Thank you.

Thanks again for joining us today.

You can reach me at Surrendered Birth Services on Instagram or email me at contact at surrenderedbirthservices.com.

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